A letter from August 29th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hi! It's me/you, I guess. I found out about this website, that sends you e-mails at a certain time in the future because I watched some video on youtube. Which is something I do quite a lot of these days. I feel like I'm wasting my time, but at the same time, I can't stop it. It's like I got no self-discipline. I am quitting Netflix though. There's only a few days left of my subscription. I hope this will finally help me with choosing to spend my time more wisely. You tell me if that happened. I'm interested in so many things right now. I am not quite sure who I am though. I like historic fashion. Mainly European. I want to learn Korean now. I have become obsessed with BTS over the course of a few weeks. I want to find my sense of style, but it changes so quickly based on my interests. I want to be sure of who I am but I just can't figure it out. And if I don't, will anybody else be able to? I am so unsure of my life choices right now. I am moving to another city by the end of this month to go to university and study biochemistry. Some days I am so certain of it. I am so sure that this is perfect for me. And on some other days I am so unsure again. I feel like a small child. I need someone to make the choices for me, but I also want to be an adult. And that means making choices for yourself. I think I just have to learn to back them. Fake it till you make it, right? Which also applies to my self-confidence. I am more confident than I have ever been. But I am still struggling. I want to present myself as this happy person. But I am not. (I am actually starting to cry now.) I dream of a perfect life in the future. If I am .. (insert word) then my life will be finally what I want it to be like. But if I don't start to accept that life is right now this moment won't ever come. I am always waiting for a certain point from which it'll start. Next Monday, next month, next year. Why not now? Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have I feel like pushing away to often. I should reach out more often. Why is it so easy for other people? So easy to just be present and do things? I feel stuck but I want to move on and though I wouldn't admit I need someone to pull me out of it. To take my hand and lead. Why do I want to live my life for someone else? For (insert name) I'll try to be more healthy so (person) will find me more likeable. I have thoughts like these almost every day. This letter is so random. I am not always this depressed. I am actually quite happy but I am always waiting for the next moment where I will be even happier. I have to actively try to be present to be happy. Truly happy. I think. Right? (so uncertain of everything) I think I like being single. It's other people that don't like it. Not that it's anyones business, but I don't think I have met but only person who I think truly understood what it's all about for me. Who gets it. Why is love so hard for me. My friends make it seem so easy. Just let yourself fall. Don't think too much. What's the worst that can happen? But I have already gotten a taste of the worst and I didn't like it. It still haunts me. I'm 20 for gods sake. And broken sometimes. And nobodys there to help. Or understand. (crying really hard now) I can't let myself fall because I can see the ground. It's easier if you can't see it. I am C., I am 20 and I have never had a boyfriend before so I'm not really someone to talk. Why do I have to validate myself like that? Last paragraph, because I'm in tears and I want it to stop. I'm happy most days, because I've learnt not to see the ground if I don't want to. I hovering, but I want to fly, sky-high. And I don't care if it'll take someone to take my hand to do that or me to grow wings but I'll do it. Because I deserve that. Love, C.