A letter from August 28th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, At this time in my life, I am feeling pretty unsure. We are in the midst of corona, the economy unstable, the fabric of the country very thin. This leaves no permission to really plan for the future for any of us. The world is somewhat on pause and personally, it has given me time to reflect but no opportunity to take action and move on. Maybe it's what everyone needs, time to reflect, and I hope in years to come that proves true. That this time was beneficial to humanity as a whole to stop and think about the trajectory of our fate and this planet. But personally, I just feel lost and unsure and honestly pretty frustrated. Stagnant. I'm still on O'ahu, still strings attached to dylan while in love triangles with other people. I hope that cycle has figured itself out (lol hope I figured it out) on good terms! by the time the future me is reading this. I don't want to hold on so tightly to things that have been running in my head for years. I just saved my friends life, while he was drowning and I realize I want so much more out of this life. It's not about money necessarily, or having a life that's easy and fun. traveling, raging, are not the center of my being. I want the fire ignited within me that has the ability to burn through old realities and create new story lines for my life, on my own terms. Not just surviving but consciously making my future for myself. I really hope I'm not still living at home with my parents. At this moment I'm extremely motivated to get out on my own. I just got so heated over every single person in my family, which drove me to write this letter but I'm not screaming, crying, blaming them. I shouldn't even be here at this point, they owe me nothing and I owe it all to myself. So I need to take that responsibility, but it's extremely hard to make a life change in the middle of this pandemic. I believe I need to be patient but motivated to get off my *** and figure something out. I don't really care what it is at this point, I just want to be on my way to becoming a woman who is taking care of herself and doesn't need the physical or emotional safety net from anyone. Not to say I don't want the people I love in my life, I don't want to be holding on for dear life dragging them down. I want my relationships to be better, I want my parents to be proud, I want to be close with my brother, I want to give to my friends and lead by example. I am at a breaking point, 23 years old, where I feel so disgusted (thats kind of harsh but you know what I mean) with the same old same old story I've been living in reality and inside my head that I'm finally ready to ******* leave it all behind and change. I hope that I've broken through my habits of procrastination and avoiding, letting my potential go to waste because I cant decide what I want to do nor am I confident enough to do it. I love my friends and I hope they've found what they're looking for too, or at least on the path to discovering it. I hope gabby has found love, and traveled, and learned what she wants to create permanently in her life. I hope nicole finds a way to express her talents that are so worthy of being seen by the world. And I really hope she unleashes her *********. I hope brittany has discovered the conscious being within herself, and realized she is the driver of her life and its up to her. I hope madi has been repaid all the good karma she deserves, in love and opportunities. I hope kayla is happy, truly. No matter what the outside of her life looks like. I hope we're all still close, maybe have lived together with madi nicole and gabby, maybe all have lived on our own to explore our own souls and talents deeply to make the most of them. I hope evan is successful and has a wonderful kind woman and still in my life. I hope dylan is crushing it in the movie industry and we are still good friends. I love my family, I hope we've grown and evolved individually to get along better and not take so much from each other but give instead. I hope boomer has grown or been put through a life change to force him to grow. I hope I've held onto and discovered more about the passion and connections in my life. The **** that gives me meaning and soul. I feel right now, like literally this week (virgo season) that I'm learning how to discipline myself. How to take situations in my life that trigger me and react to them in a way that positively benefits me. Like fighting with my family in the kitchen but instead of sulking in my room thinking of how unfair they are, using the emotion and passion to write about what i DO want in my life. Wishing only good for people who may have just pissed me off, changing the vibration in myself and letting go of those attachments to things that weigh me down. I really hope I've learned a lot, developed useful skills that work my brain & creativity. I pray I've taken care of my body and made the best possible choices for myself. I hope I've outgrown my immature tendencies and moved on from the party life. I hope I'm doing something that feels purposeful. I hope I am a self sufficient woman who is absolutely proud to be where she is and who she is because she chose it for herself.