A letter from August 28th, 2020

Dear Me, hi aymey. im not going to use very good punctuation because its 4:30 in the morning and i dont feel like it. also its the way i generally write so have fun glimpsing your past (maybe current) writing style lol. so... i have a lot of questions. how was college? right now im struggling with applied calculus. hopefully you passed. i wonder where you ended up going and what major you ended up with. what job did you end up pursuing? scary stuff. im in the middle of filling out applications and i havent done it in a few days because it gives me major fear (but the deadline is soooooon). im scared ill make the wrong choice and its going to affect me forever. also scared that mom will be mad i move away. also i feel like i did so much to ensure id be ahead of everyone and to prove that i was smart and special and then if i go somewhere like east bay then all my doing that will be for nothing because i just ended up at the college at the end of the street again... i just always feel inferior. idk.. anyways. i hope you had fun in college and made some friends. as of now you dont have a ton of those. just the redwood group who you talk to sometimes (ive been netflixpartying legend of korra with lauren and chelsea and danny b. recently), and also sometimes olivia stayley and maia but we havent done much together especially since covid and asthma has knocked out maias lungs lol. speaking of, how did that all turn out? is covid still an issue? im hoping not since it will have been 5 years. do people make a lot of jokes ab it still? also who won for president? did they turn out to be okay-ish? im scared to vote cus trump sucks a** but biden does too so idk. hopefully were not in a world war or something lol. hows your style? hows your music taste? rn im into that indie skater /neutral tone minimalist style and like indie or indie bedroom pop typa music with other stuff mixed in. i hope youre lookin cute lol. hows the family sitch? are mom and dad happy? are they still together? do they fight a lot still? has tyler moved out? did he ever get a girlfriend or married or anything? i hope the answer is yes. are lyndsey and christian still together? maybe even married? lol. today was lyndseys 23rd bday and tomorrow christian is coming over to have lunch with us aaaaand nana, pretty crazy huh. also, last night i pulled a legit all nighter watching sailor moon and making lyndsey a little tissue paper tassel garland for the fireplace because everyone fell asleep and i had to decorate for her because i know she does for me and i wanted her to be happy when she woke up for work since shes awake before all of us. i think she liked it :). did you ever get a boyfriend? maybe youre even engaged or married or something. wouldnt that be crazy. did you ever have a major heartbreak? did you cry a bunch or just retreat into your mind? i hope youre okay. hopefully youre able to love people and show affection cus Lord knows im not able to now. i cant really even imagine what loves is or looks like or how to maintain a relationship. i hope you like the person a lot. i wonder if they look like my current fictional boyfriend type aka tall, lanky, dark hair, a bit sassy but full of love deep down lmao gross. i hope youre enjoying your time with him. i also hope youre happy in general. right now im in the middle of a few crises. like the one where im feeling like whats he point because life is so boring and i will never be the main character in a fun heartwarming fantastical show where the main character is so unbelievably special and lovely to be round and has their own personal gravitational pull that just draws in people. ill never be a fictional hero fighting bad guys and getting the cool perfect ideal love interest and that just hurts me a little (a lot) inside ya know. i cant even explain how much this is kicking my *** right now. it really feels like ill never be special and my life will never be cool. i just want to live in the fictional world so bad. it even gives me that dull itch type of thing in my brain that i hate so much. really makes me wish i was aliven't hahahaaahaah ....but fr. the next crises is related in that i feel like ill never find anything fun ever again lol yikes that sounds like depression. seriously though, it just seems like everything that anyone could possibly do that is considered a fun activity or passtime is so ordinary and completely uninteresting to me that i just dont want to do it. like painting in the park? energy and time consuming and messes with my perfectionism. going to the beach? boring and displays my body which i despise. going to lunch with people? scary and probably gonna be awkward. the only things i enjoy are watching shows or movies and reading and also stargazing/cloud watching hehe. that one i do admit is fun. recently we had a meteor shower and we all went out into the front yard and looked at the sky under blankets listening to instrumental music. it was lovely. anyways, thats just two of my crises but i think thats enough for today. hopefully youve found joy is the gist of that whole rant lol. oh also!! i just got mu drivers license. hopefully youve gotten a lot better at driving than i am right now because right now i still have car crash nightmares way too often. (speaking of do you still have a ton of violent nightmares that sometimes make you cry? just curious haha). the guy that tested me was not my favorite human on earth. he was the same guy that took my permit photo and even then he was not having it with anybody. well on this day he was doing behind the wheel tests and of course he tested me immediately after coming off his break. (he had also yelled at me earlier to turn my car off hahaahhaha). well we went and i went into the crosswalk ka couple of times oops EVEN THOUGH I NEVER DO THAT UGH and when we got back to the dmv he sat there for SO LONG and then started being kinda mean. he was like so... whats the deal with you always wanting to be in the crosswalk so bad?? and i was like ......... hha tears. but yeah at first i thought i failed but he actually passed me (even though i KNOW he was looking for reasons to fail me. but yeah, i cried all the way from walking out of the dmv to when we got home and then i laid in my bed and sobbed for a while too lol. im not exaggerating either. okay next topic. tiktok. is it still a thing? do you still spend a majority of your life on it? because i do. i wonder if there are any new social media platforms that sprung up. hope they dont give you anxiety the way the current ones do. speaking of, are you still anxious around people and have some confidence finally. anyways, i think this letter is probably long enough. i mainly just hope that you found your joy and that youre living life the the best of your ability, and if not then thats okay too. no pressure, theres still time. i love you and i hope that you love you too. see ya in 5 years :) love, aymey via august 2020