A letter from August 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hey cami, wait do we even still go by cami because dad has told me countless times that when i get older im going to by cameran and not by cami anymore. i mean im starting to get used to cameran now, like i dont hate being called it anymore and like in school i dont correct the teachers and tell me to call me it. the only teachers that call me cami are teachers ive already had which is literally just Mr. Markley. school is so difficult already we have to do online right now and english is kicking me in the ***. so far i like all of my teachers i mean i cant really hate them much i havent even met them. they say all of this stuff is just for the first 9 weeks but i really dont believe that. so how are you doing? are we still sad all the time? is our son still as adorable as ever? have you seen him again? ive only gotten to see him twice, i was supoosed to see him in like may but covid ruined everything. i hope he's doing well his family is so incredible. i dont think we could've made a better decision. are we still contact with alex? how is he coping with all of it? how are you coping with it? i still cry everytime i see a picture of him but im becoming more open about. i hope one day i can finally feel happy about my decision, i still feel like such a failure. im afraid to start a family because i dont want him to think i love him any less or make him feel like he wasnt good enough. i want a family so bad. i cant wait to get married and start a family with the love of my life. do you still believe in love? im starting to not. too many people have used me and made promises and never kept them. i dont know maybe i trust too easily or maybe i just fall too fast. theres this guy i met in michigan, life felt like a dream after meeting him. he was the first guy you watched the stars with he made me feel so loved and i really dont think i could say anything bad about him. well what im trying to get at is what happened with him because on saturday he ended things and i just want to know if he waited for us or not. i really believe he is the one. ive never felt a connection like the one i had with him, everything was just so easy with him. nothing felt forced and i really thought i would finally be happy. there is one bad thing i can say though that isnt the nicest. he's given me even more trust issues. hours before he ended things with me he told me he couldn't lose me and than all of a sudden it was like i meant absolutely nothing to him. so just tell me did it work out? i really loved him you know we didn't even date and i loved him so much so much more than i'd ever loved anyone else. i really screwed things up with such an amazing guy. but he just gave up on us like we were nothing how could he do that after everything he'd promised? anyways away from boy drama, how's lily? is she still our bestfriend? because i could quite literally die for her. she's the only one who seems to ever care about me. i think that if i was lesbian i'd date her. like she's so ******* hot and i hate how she talks bad about herself i would die to be as beautiful as her. is she still in her weird emo phase where absolutely no one can figure out what style she's in. i love how mysterious she is and she always has the best advice. she is such a good listener ughh i don't think there's enoughtime to say everything i need to about her. i just hope she persues (sorry i give up i can't figure out how to spell it and my computer isn't helping me so bare with me) her dreams. i know she can't wait to travel the world and i hope to join her on her travels someday. i hope we stay in contact and never lose the connection we have with each other. but do tell does she plan to have a family because she's always telling me she doesn't want kids because she raised her sisters and that was enough. i mean i know she would be such an amazing mother and i mean if she doesn't want to be i understand that she just has to be the cool aunt that travels the world because all kids deserve that type of an aunt duh. i can't wait for our lifelong dreams to come true. everyone needs a lily in their life and i'm so lucky to have my lily. how was the rest of highschool? thats all i have to say, school has been the most toxic place for me soooo on to the next. so let's refresh your memory of your past. right now timmy is expecting his first boy. we're all so excited for him, i can't wait to spoil the kids and spend so much time with them just like timmy did for me. do i have a good relationship with the kids like i have always wanted. how many more do they have now? hmm let's see what else by now you should be graduating college. did we go for radiology tech like we've wanted? if not what are we doing now? did you find the love of your life yet? do you have plans for the future? they better want kids cami, that's all you've ever wanted since you were a little girl. don't forget boys is all we're having no girls allowed. okay fine maybe just one girl. do you have a house? how about any dogs? im worried about getting my own dog especially everything with pringle. i still miss him a lot. it doesnt feel like he's actually gone. winnie and flint dont even seem to miss him which really annoys me. what's your favorite song? how different is the music now? how are mom and dad? do they trust us now? have we disappointed them more? how's dylan doing? we've gotten so close this year, he's always listening to my rants and he can't wait for me to get my license either. ive got officially 1 week and 3 days until i can go and get it. how's our relationship with the rest of our family. im trying to get closer with the cousins since i mean you only get one chance with these cousins ya know. that really didnt make sense but what im trying to say is that im tired of family drama and hating people so. how do we feel about oma? because i used to think i loved her but now i dont think i could ever love her. i mean not only did she abandon me and pretend like i didnt matter and give me the biggest trust issues but she also blamed dylan and i for papas *****. god i still miss him so much. i just hope that im making him proud. now enough with all that fake happy ******** does it still feel like im drowning? like it literally hurts me to breathe. ive wanted to attempt so many times. im thinking of self harming so i can feel the slightest bit of control. i feel like im never in control of anything. i feel as though im not meant to make it too long. i mean i never even saw myself making it to highschool and im proud im still here i just dont know how much more i can take honestly. nothing good can ever happen in my life. i feel destined for failure like ill always be the problem or the toxic one. i want to fall in love so bad but im so afraid of being vulnerable just to get my heart shattered all over again. is the darkest its going to be. i constantly question my life. i tell myself to make it to a certain thing but its becoming so difficult to keep those promises. i hope you can make it to read this letter but if you can't you should let your family know you did this. maybe they can answer some questions for you. mom, dad, dylan, lily, whoever is reading this. i love you so much thank you for making my life so amazing. i wish i could've been stronger for you. please stay strong for me i love you i love you i love you well this is all i can think of right now but be prepared for more so just make sure to check your email more often.