A letter from August 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hi future me, im guessing youll hate this part of you since every year you begin to resent yourself as you get older and learn more, i wanted to do this later so i can find out if i were still alive, if youre still with him? im probably guessing im not with him when i get this email. Do you still have connections with Lucy, Diana, Laura, Anielka and the rest? are you still suffering like i am now? How was sixth form? im probably guessing youre in uni, did you make daya and baba proud? Are you still lost? Do you still drown out your thoughts with alcohol? Please stay if youre in a bad place, it will get easier in the end, i hope you suck it up and push through like the rest of the problems we went through. I hope you found someone who loves you for you. I hope all the heart break ends for you. please,, get out of your head. make daya and bab proud. just stay a little longer. Do you have freedom? because right now theres no freedom for me. i hope it gets easier. Did you find a sustainable job? did you fight for the place you are now? i know youre probably looking back at this and thinking yuck, was i really like this? but thats a good thing! It means youve grown out of the shell that youve been staying in. weve been depressed for a while right? Did you tell daya and baba about it yet? Did you tell them how much youve been hurting and how youre in a dark hole no matter the positive circumstances? Do you still cry at night? Does he still hurt you? ive been thinking of leaving this world recently.. i hope i still stay. At night its the worst. i feel like im being eaten by a black hole and feel my heart sink to my stomach every night. i wish it was easier. i almost slit my wrists today with a knife, but i was too chicken to consider it. i dont want to disappoint everyone. i dont want kojan to deal with the grief and everyone i care about. i cant talk to anyone because then theyd think im attention seeking. i cant talk to camhs because theyd rat me out to my parents and i feel uncomfortable talking about it, they resemble my parents. i miss rozha, she left this world without closure. I dont want to be in her place. Do you still feel regret? Do you still regret that shes not around because no one helped her when she needed it the most? Who else is gone? are dara dyla akam and ara doing good? i hope aras okay. i feel like hes going to go into a deep hole and think its okay. i really hope they turn out how they want in the next 5 years. daryan wouldve been finished with uni by this time right? do you still have the same connections? as im writing this letter i cant imagine how the future will turn out, it terrifies me. i dont want to lose anyone. i want things to be the same. i can feel my friends fade away. i dont want them to go. it feels like everyone is loosening their grasp on me, and i cant do anything about it, so i just stand and watch. i hope this new chapter treats you well. i hope youre still alive, 22 year old me.