A letter from August 24th, 2020

Currently I am in a funk of seeing how things 'could be' as in how I want things to be then realizing their unlikeliness as a product of my current perspectives/habits of avoidance. Like I can totally see Minnis and I being like best friends in terms of base chemistry however I do not see it happening realistically as our big boy lives leads me to not put into action any proposed prioritization of human connection through any intentional development of such. Like he is EXACTLY a band mate vibe, and I believe we could make it happen (also current external factors are in fact contributing to the difficulty in that). Also, why am I not writing more? Also, I can't focus for the **** life of me, setting 20 min timers just to go through several without any work done. Microdosing sounds pretty sick hmmm. ALso, much of this has been mentally stirred up in the anticlimactic storm that is Oscar Wilde so far, as I fear it'll stay unsocial, but know that is unlikely. Part of that fear is rooted in my not identifying with many other members solely on first impressions, EVEN THOUGH I logically know my given impression is not representative of my whole 'functioning' self. I am excited to get to know my peers, as I realize I've hypocritically heavily/HIGHLY idealized who I can connect with while claiming all people are just as valid with their own incredibly valuable perspectives; who tf am I to implicitly so doubt that? Also also ALSO, at the end of the day all of these worries are valid as a factor of this moment in time, so why resist when I know ultimately they are challenging me in this unique way. You'll be good man. To future me, I first and foremost hope you've connected more, reached out more. Prioritize others, and TRULY so through mindfulness. Intentionality I suppose. Love more, embrace/feel the fear, and don't hate on yourself/the world for anxiety. She's not malicious. You're not doomed. I know right now in 2020 freshly 'Wilde' you are stuck on the lip of effort and time (assume nothing will change based on current perspective of cyclical history or be able to let go and as a result things just 'fall into place' [through genuinely executed effort nonetheless]), so let's see how that develops. :) Muah!