A letter from August 24th, 2020

8/24/20, Haven't wrote any so far this year because my Christmas message from 2019 was right. This year kicked a lot of people in the ***, but for some reason my life hasnt changed much at all. Not exactly a good thing, I only seem to want to write these when i'm feeling "down" you could say. My feelings are more complex than anything I could put into words, but I still find myself wanting to try. On this day someone found Gracie and for some reason I feel really upset she came back, I never wanted anything to happen to her but my life felt slightly better without that dog. The guilt I feel for wishing she never came back is bitter and I feel like ill never be free of these chains. How ******* privileged must I be for that to be the source of my pain. But maybe it isn't the source, maybe I just wanted a slight sense of control in my life or even a change from the norm. Sobriety feels weird after all this time. I thought I was doing better these last couple days but I now find myself in a state of chronic hopelessness. I was going to say I don't know where to put my energy but that is false. I have plenty of things to put it but nowhere that would make me feel better inside. I've read countless times about the changes I could make in my life to improve my mental state, but I cant seem to muster the willpower to make them. Every time I start to think like this I find myself "edgy" and "cringy" (as my generation would put it) to the point I realize my problems are self made and how privileged I am to even have the life I lead. Doesn't make me feel any better though I have brief thoughts of what it would be like to die, but how disgustingly selfish would I be to even entertain the idea of pre-mature *****. My family is struggling more than I am mentally I bet so how dare I think these thoughts. I want to die because my life is meaningless, but i've said it one ill say it again I REFUSE to be that selfish. I have good mental days but then a random assist from chronic depression as I see it comes soaring in from the rafters and kicks me in the ***. My feelings aren't special nothing special about them at all. A catch 22 this is where I look at myself as a waste of life where someone else could use it better than I have, but there is no way to give it to someone else. I hope either you read this in the future with a better state of mind a better life you made for yourself with the help of the people around you who shower you with love and kindness. If I am not the one reading this and a family member is then i'm sorry you had to read this heartbreaking confession that I was not okay, but that I lied to myself everyday that I was. This I more than i've written in one go in my entire life, but why this? Why something so heavy? My previous messages to myself in either the form of video or text about my negative feelings seem so pointless and childish compared to something like this. Maybe ill feel the same way about something in the future that ill forget about all of this. I'm rambling and knowing the correct mind state me you might not even read this far because you don't want to relive such feelings, but it is important to because how will you change without remembering the past? I watched a video recently about a term called Optimistic Nihilism. Maybe it will do you some good to re watch it in the present so ill include it in the post message link section that I usually add at the end, along with a song or two I liked at the time of writing this. Life is precious so why cant I think of mine as such? I hope you feel better, try to stick it out. Maybe there is something at the end of it all that makes it worth the trouble of being sentient. ~--Links--~ Optimistic Nihilism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14 The Egg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6fcK_fRYaI ~--Songs--~ A Couple Things by Kate Bollinger Dark Days by Local Natives Sometimes Love Takes So Long by Illiterate Light Shiki no Uta (cover) by Sapphire