A letter from August 25th, 2020

Did you make it? Not your dreams, did you survived your fight against your fear? I am writing this letter to you from August 25th of 2020. This year, a lot happened that is far from anyone's expectation. Especially to you, you are too proud of yourself that you became too complacent of whats ahead of you. You got rejected by your 2 dream schools in college. Everyone thought you are just okay bcos you make them believe you are but little did they know that everynight you secretly cry on your own and everytime you are alone with your thoughts. You end up having suicidal thoughts and searched up on how to die without anyone knowing in google. That's way beyond what i imagined. I never thought i would do something like that. I already consider to end my life multiple times but just thinking of the fact that if i fail to die on my own and survived my family would think that i am crazy and just bored bcos i dont have anything, i am useless, doesnt contribute anything in our family, everyone thinks that i am just a good for nothing kid. I am stupid thats why i was being left behind by all of my peers. While everyone enjoy their quarantine days, i suffered of anxiety but ofc no one knows except me and my phone. I tried making cripted messages in my ig knowing some of my pain would be gone but each day it just keeps on adding up. Maybe i was just really an attention seeker, maybe if someone reached out to me and asked how am i doing, i wouldn't be suffering like this. I wouldn't be dying to end this guilt and jealousy. You have no real friends that's for sure, all those ppl who you thought would reached out to you are all busy bragging and flexing what theyre doing, knowing they are secured for college but i know that its not their fault that i am a failure. I know that but i thought atleast a friend could check on how you are feeling too when they know you might be down cos they know i am. I tried not using facebook and somehow my jealousy eased but not completely. After seeing my peers getting into the school they want i was so jealous, so jealous that i wanted to disappear. I just thought that it was unfair and i kept on asking myself why am i the only one among my peers to end up like this? Why am i the only one miserable like this. I was desperate that i wanted all of them to be like me too but actually i wished that i was like them too. I know you are trying your best to forget this but i hope you dont forget how scared you are when you tried to pressed the tip of the scissors down to your wrist when you are in the bathroom. I think that was the 5th time you tried to **** yourself but failed bcos you are scared to die. I feel sorry to bts, why? Everytime you are down, especially after what happened, their songs are the only companion you had. It was surprising that their goal to touch the audience and comfort worked to you. I think 'so far away' made me bawled in tears like crazy. It is the exact feeling you have this time and funny how it is a 2016 song. It captured your current feeling and i couldnt be more amazed how i enjoyed it back then but didnt know that it will struck a string in my heart in the future which is 4 years from that. I hope you remember that you sent this after thinking of Jonghyun from shinee who fought a battle on his own too. If you lived and pursue your dream then good job! But imma tell you this, if you overcome your fear and lived a happy life in what ever you have and do from the time you received and read this, i congratulate and respect you all the way here from year 2020. But if not, or if someone you know is reading this.. I just want to tell you that you lost me bcos you thought i was strong minded so you dont have to reach out to me and check how i was doing. I want you to regret that you didnt asked how i am doing when i was in my lowest state. I want you all to suffer of regret and ask yourselves continuously why didnt you help me when i needed one. All of you dont deserve to cry in my funeral and in my grave, if ever i am dead by this time. Dont ever shed a single tear bcos i wont be sorry to you. The only person i am sorry is my papa.. He does everything for us, and i regret all the time that i was rude and problematic to him. He is the person i am most thankful for and i owe him my life. Pa, im sorry if chose this path and became weak. I know, you know that i love you but just couldnt say it bcos i am shy but seriously i am. I wish to travel with you in the countries i wanted to visit but im sorry if i cant. Life is not a sprint, it is an endless marathon that you have to take. Keep and follow your own pace. - Jeanine in August 25th, 2020