A letter from August 24th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN NEXT FIVE YEARS? Where do you see yourself in the next five years is quite a hard question when you are unsure of the present yourself. To be honest, I don’t know what I am doing or what should I be doing either. Therefore I don’t even know if I can see any future for myself. What I’m even more unsure of is the word “Dream”. They said that we should have a dream and we should follow our hearts and our dream. So I figured that it must be really important for people to be that crazy about it. And I thought to myself that I should also have a “Dream” of my own just like all my friends have. But it wasn’t easy as I didn’t know what I wanted from my life. I wanted to be happy and lead a life filled with happiness. But at the same time, I hated poverty more than anything and I am willing to do anything to keep me from it. I also wanted to make my parents proud but the only way to do that was by studying really hard and getting good marks; and maybe also by going to a prestigious university. But it’s totally different from what I want out of my life. I wanted a life filled with adventures, doing new things, meeting new people, traveling in many places around the world with people who are dear to me and enjoy life in a way that many people only dream they could. Instead of doing all these things listed above, here I am, studying hard every night so that my grades don’t fall and wondering if I’m even doing the right thing. I wonder if all these sleepless nights will ever do any good to me. I wonder if I’m ever going to regret everything to point where I’d start to question my existence. I wonder if I should work this hard or just let it all go and think about enjoying and living in the present like all the other girls of my age does. I wonder if I should go on dates, get boyfriends, hang-out with friends like all my classmates do. Most of it all, I wonder if I’m even allowed to let these thoughts pass my mind. I wonder if I’m even allowed to let my heart decide something. I wonder if I’m even allowed to “waste” my time on something like drawing, sketching, or painting that has no future at all but makes my heart feel at ease. I wonder when I read this after five years, how would I feel? What would I want to say to the past me who is writing this letter? Would I have found a dream or something that I would desire to do? Will I be smiling while reading the letter thinking that all my past choices were the best choices that I ever made or will I be bitter? Would I regret everything or be thankful for everything? More importantly, what kind of life will I lead? Will I overcome all my hardships? Will the endless trials of my life have finally ended? I don’t know. I don’t know about anything. The only thing I’m sure of is I will love me the same. Successful or not, pretty or ugly, just know that I’ll love you the same no matter what. So don’t worry about anything and don’t be too hard on yourself. Because I believe in you and I know you’ll be alright and you have the ability to fight every hardship that you face. So when you look back, I hope there’s a smile on your face and your heart is happy. I hope I’ve founded myself a dream but it’s also OK if I still don’t have one. Because I’ve always been different and I’ll continue to be so and would never try to change myself for the sake of others. I hope you can start living up to your expectations than doing things that others expect of you. I hope when you read this letter you can answer some of those questions that I couldn’t answer now. I hope you find the strength to love and accept yourself and do things that your heart wishes for. Love, Your younger self who wishes you all the happiness in this world.