A letter from August 22nd, 2020

dear future me, hi, are you still alive? if you are, i am so proud of you for getting through your hard times, overcoming your lowest moments. you are strong and continue to get stronger every second, even though in the past it never seemed like it. But now, i hope everything is good. i know it was very hard and you said it would never get better but hopefully now it is better, life is better. i hope your dreams come true. going to college to pursue something you've always wanted to be, (hopefully you've decided by now) meeting the love of your life, getting your own place/car, living your best moments, being happy. i really hope you're happy. only the future will tell. i know there will be some sad moments, i'm sure of it, but i hope you overcome those low moments again and don't go back to your dark place. let's talk about your lowest moments. bare with me if you're reading this in the future. // remember those times that someone in your life has asked if you were okay? you would reply with 'i'm fine' or 'i'm okay' even though you weren't. you wanted to tell them what was wrong, that you were hurting, that you didn't want to keep going, that every time you woke up it was the same agonizing emotional pain, the feeling of being numb every second, the feeling of not wanting to live anymore? but you couldn't cause you were scared. you didn't want to ruin their happy day. so you kept it all bottled up for yourself to only know what was going on, and you continued to put the happy face on and pretend. i hope you don't have to do that ever again. i hope you are opening up to people and not being afraid. the scariest moment in your life was when you told your mom what was going on. you told her a little about what was going on, not too much, she said she would call therapists a few times, but never did cause she thought you were better. until you finally spoke up and told her what was really going on. about being suicidal and self harming (showing her your arm) and losing weight due to loss of appetite. but one thing she doesn't know to this day is that also you losing weight was because you wanted to be skinny so you didn't eat or ate little. every time you looked in the mirror you would be ashamed of what you saw. you were skinny but you wanted to look like the girls in the pictures with the nice skin and beautiful everything. you hated your body, you were very insecure about everything on your body so you covered up for no one else to see but you. i hope now that you are comfortable with your body and don't have to cover up. i hope you aren't as insecure as you used to be. i hope you are happy with the way you look. you are beautiful. you would always cover up. its not like you had to show anyone your body. the second reason why you always covered up was because you self harmed. and when they healed, you even covered up those scars. you were ashamed of them. you hated yourself. when you told your mom, you admitted yourself to a mental hospital cause you thought that would help. but that was the scariest moment of your life. it was very hard for you, but you ended up leaving a couple days later cause you were terrified and social anxiety was bad that time and separation anxiety. you wanted your mom so bad but couldn't yet. when you finally got to leave, you hugged your mom so tight. that was nice. i hope today, you never have to experience that ever again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hope you finally felt comfortable with coming out as non-binary to your friends and family. to be able to use your new name instead of your birth name. to also come out as pansexual instead of bisexual which is what you told your friends and family because at that moment that's what you were but you were still confused about yourself. i hope you're living your life without hiding this, without being ashamed of who you are. you are worth it. you are strong and continue to get stronger every second. i hope you don't relapse anymore. i know you can do this. you are beautiful just the way you are. please if you're reading this, don't go back to your dark place. i don't want anything to happen. live your life. you still have so much to look forward to. now as you're reaching the end of reading this, you are probably crying. i know you are but i hope this made you happy, to know how far you've come. thank you for staying alive :) sincerely, past self