A letter from August 21st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I have not tried something like this but I guess there is a first time for everything. How are you doing? I hope you are doing just fine. And fine I mean that you are okay in terms of health, physical attributes, mental health, stable source of income, peace of mind and most importantly, I hope you are happy. Presently, I have not been really feeling myself. I feel like am loosing my sense of identification. At times I can't recognise myself. I feel this vacuum within me that needs to be filled, I feel empty. I don't really feel anything. I look at my little pics from years back and I can't recognise the person I see. Its like its me but in a third person view. I can't really pinpoint the genesis of the problem. It might have its roots at the ugly period when Debora died or when I lost my job with Sterling Property. Maybe its a gradual process and started mildly prior to those events. Coming to Lagos from Masaka in september 2018 was a good step for me in the sense that I was coming to work. It meant leaving the family house and all its comforts to a new environment. I never harbored the idea of staying in lagos prior to my coming. Reasons being that Lagos is too rowdy, noisy and full of crime and horror stories. Lagosians live a fast life. Always in a hurry, from entering a cab to walking down the street and everything. When discussing with friends, I always express my displeasure with the Lagos life. But here I am, coming to work in the very same place I always chastised. I also had to leave behind my poultry business which I had a strong passion to chase the white and blue collar job. I had to leave my girlfriend Blessing Ehi with whom I have bonded with and have a good relationship with. When the invitations for an interview came, I was so full of anxiety that I jumped on the chance without really assessing how it would affect me. I do feel too attached to places, things, situations, people and happenings that I tend to put too much dependence on them for my happiness. Along the line, the change started affecting me. The people, places and situations that I rely on for happiness was no longer in play as I have left Masaka for Lagos. I started slipping away, bits by bits. The frequent encounters with my girlfriend Blessing Ehi is no longer forthcoming. The regular interactions with family and friends is no longer present. To be honest, it took a toil on me. I was with Elaigwu and Oiwodu but it felt I was alone. I could feel myself slowly shrinking. Things that were of interest to me was now loosing it's stance. I no longer had interest for fast cars, movies, sports and some little little things that would have got me thinking or excited was slowing slipping away. Just the way the day transitions from dawn to dusk, so was my interest in things fading away. Conversations were becoming hard to keep up with. Sometimes the energy wouldn't be there for the convo to last. Coupled with stress from the office, I was breaking down. My support system( friends, family, girlfriend and environment) were not with me and I was breaking. The change affected me physically, emotionally, mentally and otherwise. Things became worse when I lost my job in feb.2020. Staying at home all day added fuel to the whole situation. My mind is always racing with different thoughts. I hardly have a healthy sleep. I find it difficult to sleep most times. I know deep down within me the fact that am not dong okay. The fact that am in a bad place, the fact that change has affected me seriously. To complicate things, me and my girlfriend went separate ways. To say it plainly. She said she is tired and we should call it quit. She gave her reasons which valid. It affected me but I could say that I saw it coming due to the way I was behaving prior to that. The whole issue became tougher for me to handle so I decided to discuss some of the issues disturbing me with my best friend, Eugene. He said its depression am facing ( I had to do a little research and found out that its true) and he encouraged me the best way he can. My relationship with Eugene was put to the hard test during the Christmas period when I travelled home. After analysing the whole issue, I know I was at fault and it really really hurts me to know that I did him wrong in that manner. I apologized to him in my own way and he forgave the whole issue. Dear Odagboyi, when you get to read this, I hope you are in a better state. You should have atleast started a business (no matter how small), I hope you finally learn how to smile a lot : ) . I hope you have at least #1,000,000 spare cash in your account. I hope you have plans by now to build a house of your own. By now you should have a car. By now you should be thinking of settling down that's if you haven't done that already : ). You should have started your Masters program in whatever field you like. By now Odagboyi you should be closer to the creator of heaven and earth, GOD. There are many things I will like to tell you Odagboyi, but I'll have to stop here for now. Yours and yours, Otokpa Odagboyi James. 13 Ondo Street, Ebutte-Meta, Lagos, Nigeria. Saturday 22 August 2020.