A letter from August 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, you were kind of lonely today. but that's not new is it? ever since middle school, you've felt lonely. you've hated yourself and everything about yourself. well, everything except maybe your smile. and even that's going to go way be it at the end of old age or just ***** itself. for at least 7 years, you've struggled to love yourself. idk if that's the right thing to say. that kind of implies that you love yourself and face challenges here and there. doesn't it? let's try again: for at least 7 years, you've hated yourself. you kept telling yourself "if only..." and often dwelled on ideas of impossible situations and scenarios. right now, i need therapy. i need to be able to express myself in less toxic and more productive ways. i need to try and balance out my mood swings. i plan on it too idk if that'll start at home or at school, or well after, but i need to change for the better. idk, hopefully by the time you read this you've already taken these steps and you're better. i wanna be better. but the thing i've realized is i don't want to be better for myself. i want to be better for those around me: my future kids, my family, my friends. when i think of why i want to go to therapy and really make a change, I'M not one of the reasons. even when i strive to do better, it's not for myself. i still don't think i'm worthy. have you grown out of that? do you love yourself now? do you have someone special who loves you? who are they? i hope you do a better job than i did. there's a million things people would wish for their future selves: wealth, fame, a family, etc. but i think my true wish is happiness. so here's the hardest questions: are you happy?