A letter from August 16th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Let me start by saying something positive, instead of my usual negativity. I’m glad you’re alive to read this right now. Honestly, I know these past few years haven’t been the greatest, and you’ve been contemplating it a lot, but by making this letter, I’m holding you accountable to reading it. That means that this letter will not sit unopened on your inbox. I found this website on TikTok and I’m writing this letter on Sunday, August 16th, 2020 at 1:56 am while stuck in quarantine (its been 5 months so far) and procrastinating my future. Hopefully by the time you’re reading this you’re not still in quarantine and maybe have a stable career??? Cuz right now it ain’t lookin too hot sis 😬. No worries, I’m sure you’re managing and I really hope that by now you’ve stopped being so negative and hard on yourself. I’ve been putting off writing this because honestly I have way too much to say and maybe writing this will help me get things off my chest. Where should I begin? First of all GOD I HOPE YOU’VE LOST YOUR V-CARD BY NOW. Sis you’re almost 25 pls tell me you’ve been in at least 1 relationship so far. JK, it’s all good if you haven’t I would rather you keep your morals and wait for the right person rather than rushing into a relationship that you’re not ready for. Although I am terrified that I will never find anyone that will ever actually love me or that I am not emotional enough to actually love anyone back. Practically speaking, yes, I am sure that one day I will find someone, but I have a sinking feeling that my youth is fading away from me, and that I’m too old to experience firsts, because it seems like everyone around me has already grown up, while I still feel like I child. That, and that I am not good enough to get into a relationship. I could always be skinnier, prettier, nicer, idk. Clearly, I am horribly insecure and I feel like I will never be enough for someone. Putting myself out there is terrifying and I am not confident enough to do it, so dating is obviously not going super well. I really hope that I have fixed this by the time that you are reading this. Anyway, besides the whole relationship thing comes another fear of mine. Work. Right now, I am trying to find an internship for next summer because I am a complete failure compared to all my friends who have internships. I have no idea what to do to get myself a job, but I am so burnt out that it’s scary. I am utterly terrified about the future and what it may bring for me so I have tried to push it off to the last minute so I don’t have to deal with it, but obviously, it’s starting to catch up with me. Just another couple years and i’ll be graduating college, having to find a job, and actually starting a real life. I don’t wanna be an adult and live in the real world, paying taxes and having to get a 401K ( LMAO speaking of, how’s your investment in United Airlines going). I really hope that by now you’ve moved outta the house (maybe to an apartment in NYC) and live on your own with a good job and some good close friends. Have you visited Iceland yet? Or Hawaii? Or Singapore? I hope that you’ve been able to experience your youth and just live in the moment. Life is way too short. Learn to do some yoga, right now you have absolutely no strength or flexibility and your posture is, well, ****. Start eating healthy and start cooking on your own. Please tell me you’re not still scared of turning on the stove. If you need recipes, look at your quarantine eats girl we made SOOO much food. Also, I hope you have enough free time to learn Hindi by now. It’s cool to learn other languages, just don’t do it because you have an inferiority complex for being Tamil. Also, I really hope that you’re just happier in general. Not gonna lie, being in quarantine has lowkey been kinda necessary for me. It’s been nice to take a break from real life, almost as if the worlds been paused. I feel like I’m not as anxious as I usually am, because everyone else is in the exact same boat that I’m in. There is so much uncertainty everywhere and I honestly feel quite comfortable in it. But I do have to get back to the real world eventually, and I know that I will need to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner. I know that you have to deal with more than a typical person does, but stop stressing yourself out so much. We have one life. We can only deal with so much. Also, I want you to know that it is okay to cry. I know you hate crying in front of people, but it is healthy. The thing about you, though, is that you don’t let yourself cry, period. It’s been, what , over a year and a half since you last let yourself cried from sadness? That cannot be normal. Don’t just dismiss your feelings just because you don’t know how to deal with them. Deal with your feelings with a healthy outlet. I want you to try exercising, or maybe, even just talking to someone about your feelings. You hate burdening people, but sometimes I guess people might wanna listen to you too. Another thing I want you to fix is your hate for confrontation, and willingness to let people walk all over you. Literally your biggest weakness is wanting everyone to like you, but that’s literally never going to happen. Someone will always find something wrong with you, you’re not perfect. Stop trying to please everybody else and start living for yourself. At what point in your life are you going to live YOUR life? No one is a constant in your life except you. I want you to always remember this, because right now this is something I absolutely need to work on. Moving on from the more self centered parts, how is everybody? How is Amma? How is Appa? Is V going to college now? Just writing this is giving me a panic attack. Please tell me that V is smart and successful and is not doing anything stupid anymore. I hope that he has grown up and is acting like a normal kid. I really want him to be able to function in the real world, it’s probably my biggest question/ wish for the future. I hope he his behavior hasn’t gotten worse and that he is a smart, hardworking student with a bright future. I hope that my parents are healthy and strong. It would break my heart if anything happened to them. I love them both so much. Both of them are the hardest workers I have ever seen in my entire life. Amma better not be working 2 jobs anymore. She needs a break, she is constantly so overworked. You need to help her around the house and stuff stop being so **** lazy all the time. Dont even get me started on Appa. He does way too much for us all. Hopefully he retires within the next few years and just relaxes, although he never will. He doesn’t know how to do anything but work, that’s all he’s been doing in his life. You should call them now, assuming you’re not living with them still. Just go hug them, cuz right now they’re sleeping. I can hear Amma snoring from the other room, and Appa is about to come into this room to sleep for part 2 of his sleep schedule ( he’s sleeping in your newly painted room rn). How are both Patti and Thata’s? It’s been a while since I’ve seen them, maybe call them or something they’ll really appreciate it. What about friends? Hopefully you’re still in touch with your college friends, it would suck if you just drifted away from them after knowing them for so long. I know you tend to push people away and never really reach out to people cuz you’re worried your bothering them, but the relationship will fizzle unless you put in some effort. Maybe start small, try planning a lunch or something? Idk, but you need to stop being super sensitive, and start having people take you more seriously. On a more serious note, are you taking care of yourself? How is your health? Please tell me you aren’t starving yourself and that you’re eating everyday. And no, iced coffee and a pack of chips is NOT food sis. Take care of yourself, your family needs you. I really hope that in five years, you are strong, smart, happy, healthy and beautiful. Writing this was necessary for me to reflect on myself as well as being able to give me hope for the future, because previously, I’m not gonna lie, it seemed quite dreary. Anyways its now 3:18 and Amma just yelled at me to sleep, so take care of yourself, and maybe write something for yourself for 30 year old (AHHH NO THATS TERRIFYING) you to find? Love ya lots (yes finally starting to love myself), VT