A letter from August 15th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I am currently 21 years old. I am crying just thinking about how far five years is. It is currently 8/15/2020 at 11:50 PM. Were you finally able to full-on cry to heal? Currently, I can only cry for 2 seconds, and that's it. We just got back from the Colorado trip that went awful. I don't even know where to begin. You also finished the two Bio classes that went awful. Please tell me you ended up in nursing despite getting a B in lab and C in the lecture. The idea is to graduate nursing in May 2023. The idea of that is so long from now. I do not know if I'll survive till then. I feel like I should be dead. I feel like I'm currently dead just going through time numb. I feel beyond worthless, untalented, bad at everything, and unwanted. I constantly feel like ****. I did my very best in high school and I left all of that there. My best is no longer good. I feel beyond weak and tired. Please please please tell me you finally found out how to be happy after so long of being in pain. Please tell me you finally did something about your ADHD. Your family just continues to mock you for the way you are, the way you look, the way you act, and everything else. I can never seem to please them. I am constantly falling and never seem to pick myself up. You're about to start your last year of Uni. You started thinking about how four years ago you were taking senior photos for a high school you hated, but loved the second school. No matter what I do, I feel like I am so behind. You feel like your mind is deteriorating and there is nothing to do about it. How are the tremors in your arm that no one knows about? I assume I did nothing about that. I was raised to shut up and keep everything bottled up. Did you finally learn to open up to others, and find love at some point? How are your insecurities? You currently hate your weight, your endless acne that never goes away, your crooked shaped teeth and being yellow, and being awkward with no social life. I am in so much pain. I really hope I believe the following words one day. That it is okay to not be okay. Things happen for a reason they say. I really do hope it's going to be all okay. I am not doing okay at the moment. I continue to put my studies above everything, even family and friends and happiness. I hope I find a good management of it all. A good way to love it all. Where are you five years from now? Are you still at home? Did you finally tell your parents you love them? Do they even truly love you? I am so tired of hiding who I am. Although that ain't much. How much have you changed? Do you still love gaming (you just built a computer and hopefully that thing is still kicking and screaming). Please tell me you learned how to smile. Please please please tell me there is happiness in your life. I am so scared right now where I will be in five years. You deserve to be happy no matter how many times in the day you tell yourself you don't. How can I live in the moment if my words never feel like my own? I am constantly attacking myself. I am in pain and hopefully, I learned how to fight the pain. I hope to learn to be emotional and open to others. Were you finally able to give back to your parents for all the sacrifices they've given you? Do they know the big secret? How did that go? TBH I don't believe I have it in me to tell them. Please tell me it got better. Please tell them I love them. I really hope you found the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now you are stressed, hardly sleeping, depressed, and losing your mind. Please love yourself more. Please let others in. Did you finally experience love? Do you have any kids? Do you have a house or an apartment? Did you finally leave that awful town? Did you come back? Where is your family? How are your friends? Becks, Bri, Flick, Chip. You wanted medical school at one point, you wanted a PhD for your Psych degree that you're probably not gonna use. Did you end up with nursing? Where are you now? Please share these questions with people. How is Jason on Twitch? Gabs? Aria? She is gonna be so old by this time. Are you even still on twitch? Life seems to not be going the way you supposed. Spent 4 years in high school giving it your all. You are going into your 4th year of University but beyond tired, exhausted, burnt out. I hope you are optimistic about the future ahead than you are now. I love you. Please have hope and faith in the future. It has been an exhausting 3 years at uni because you learned that you are not actually good compared to the rest here. How are your parents? I keep writing hoping to remember to write as much as possible. Have fun reading all of this.