A letter from August 15th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, August 15, 2020 (COVID-19) I'm here again lol I actually don't know if my previous future mails did sent here hahaha. But for now i'll be telling you myself, five years from now that you are very strong. Strong ka mare, kinakaya mo ang buhay hahaha. Claire v.5.0, alam mo ba I was suffering and figuring things out all alone, it's hard. I have no one to lean on, nor no one to talk with my problems. It started roughly 4 years ago, I felt being in a cage wherein I was the only one who's a cub while i'm trying to fit with the tigers. Hindi ko alam kung naging magandang resulta ba na natuto akong maging indepedent at natuto sa wala na mang sa ka-edaran ko ang may alam. That made me suffer all throughout the next years, nadadagdagan lang ng nadadagdagan. There was this time that I was so exhausted with my life already, with my family, acads, even my hatred for myself. I was constantly hurting myself to ease the pain, crying out load every night and know nothing para makalabas sa sarili kong bangungot, but no one knows that. Everytime na uuwi ako sa Tagkawayan, my father will always ask me, "how are you 'nak?". Deep inside, I am mourning quietly, questioning myself, why do I feel that no one will understand the pain. I have people around me that I love the most but still, the first one who constantly hurts me, si mama, mga kapatid ko, pati yata sa sarili ko. Nakakapagod na hindi mo maabot yung kung anong dapat nilang makita sa'yo ang hirap that even though I am always trying to be the best I can be, kulang pa rin, mali pa rin. Gusto mong gumawa ng mabuti pero hindi ko maintindihan sa buhay ko kung bakit ang sasama pa rin ng balik sa'kin, I can't be a good child nor a sister, pero hindi ko kaya na maging mabuting empleyado para sa nanay ko? ang sakit sakit that those little things? i actually did sacrifice something for that. That moment, hindi ko na alam gagawin ko, hindi ko alam kung paanong hindi ko na masasaktan yung sarili ko. Luckily I have my very best cousin, she helped me. Sobra, sobra sobra na yung pakikinig niya sa akin ang papaano liligtas sa akin. I did move forward though but still the pain is there. I'll be telling you another secret. Dumating na ako sa punto ng buhay ko na inisip ko na, It may be better if i'll just accept the failure, accept that I lost the chance that God gave me to live in this world. Several times It comes into my mind, crying out load holding it. But Lord, Lord always whispers to me, It isn't still the end. I am so thankful for that, very O God. It was a verse that he let me read, 1 Peter 5:7- "Cast all you anxiety on him because he cares for you". That was the only time that I heard myself crying loudly without any sound coming from my mouth. I was sorry, very sorry. I let myself heal itself even for a little while. Tinuloy ko ang buhay and my story here? no one has a clue about it. Since then this verse was my healing power, and 'til now, I am making myself stronger and powerful (i hope so haha). Big shout-out pala sa bagay na tumulong sakin. Back then, i just see arts as a platform that make me competitive in some ways pero ngayon, I realized that art is a very strong tool that can heal you, art serves as your emotion. It may be not a talking human, but trust me, it's way more powerful. Another one is burning some fats, o yes **** it all, because while crying, hindi mo napapansin na yung luha mo sa mata sumasabay na pala sa pag-agos palabas ng sarili mo. That's for now, kukuha pa'ko ng package ko, nag-order ako sa Lazada e hahaha. Ingat ka future DVM! p.s. di ko na titingnan grammar and construction ko kasi para andoon pa rin yun ako hahaha Nagmamahal at patuloy na lalaban, Claire