A letter from August 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's Hannah.... obviously. I don't really know what I'm doing. I think in a way this is a cry for help but... I'm alone. So maybe my future self will be able to bear some of my burdens. (you're gonna find that sooo cringe in the future lol). I'll start with a little year in review. its 2020. this year i graduated from college. one of the most emotionally beautiful days I've ever experienced. I was really overwhelmed with the love I felt for the friends id made and at the same time devastated by what felt like the end of my dreams. I remember vividly walking into my packed up dorm room and collapsing on the floor and sobbing before dinner with my family. I also remember repeatedly pretending to **** myself in the neck in the elevator in an attempt to relieve what ever tension I was feeling. sounds dumb but... idk its what I did at the time. I said goodbye to all my friends. Dasya and Maia and then nick. saying goodbye to nick I cried in the car. later that night I said goodbye to lily and Rachel. two of the strongest women I've ever met. I admire them greatly, after saying goodbye to them I cried in the shower. that mooring I said goodbye to Delvin. someone who has never failed to be there for me and one of the most patient men I know. he told me he loved me, in classic Delvin fashion "I love you kid" and I held in my tears because I didnt want him to feel awkward. Ryan drove me to the airport, and on the way this dumb country song came on about how "we're gonna miss these moments" and ryan skipped it but later decided to go back because it was a sign or something and I cried in the car and Ryan let me even though I know he felt uncomfortable. when he dropped me off he told me he loved me and to come back soon. and I think I just nodded because it was a lot to handle at that point. I was losing all of my friends. this makeshift family I'd been looking for for so long and I had to leave them all. I cried in the airport, and on the plane. and then I went home. and the first few weeks weren't so bad because I was so high off my *** that I couldn't even function. but the parents found my pen, which BLEW but dad wasn't that mad. he said he'd changed his opinion on it which is wild because if you'll recall we got our *** handed to us for getting caught in high school. anyways I kicked it at home for a while. hung out with kk. watched a ton of movies. about a month ago we got in a fight, I feel like she doesn't really care about me. I hope as you read this you and her have gotten past that. then the pandemic hit. it was... underwhelming at first. but its gotten to the point where like... every 2 days the ***** total is the same as 9-11 or something. (writing 9-11 with a dash instead of a slash because I spilled wine on our computer and now the dash doesn't work lol) I'm beginning to think this will be our new normal. its horrendous, theres idiots everywhere wearing mega hats and trump shirts and I genuinely can't believe the stupidity. I really hope thats all over with now. after the pandemic came the ***** of George Floyd. his ***** and the events that followed shook the nation and the world and me individually. I was depressed for about a week, just filled with dread and obsessed with looking at twitter and being in disbelief at what would happen next. I know turner was pretty upset too. we both went through it that week. things didnt get much better after that. explosions in Lebanon and the protests in the U.S. have escalated even though theres not much talk about it on social media. I know this seem like a history lesson at this point so ill get back to us. for a few months we talked to a British guy named OZ, who I honestly haven't though about in a while. he was nice and I think if I wasn't a virgin I would've liked to have *** with him except he lived on the other side of the country. I really liked him, I googled the exact spot where we could meet in the middle. but he was emotionally unavailable... said I reminded him of his ex. who was really pretty btw. I can't believe he thought I was cute after being with her. anyways it hurt when it ended. and I cried for while but I don't know if it was for him or if it was just about the idea of never being loved. after that for about 2 months (maybe less) I saw a guy named josh. who I said I was dating cause we were going on dates. but apparently that freaked him out. literally the word dating freaked him out so we ended it. he was Mormon. at least he was when he started, his whole family left the church somewhere in the middle. I'm not even sure if I liked him, or if I just thought it was funny that he was mormon. and then funnier that he wasn't anymore. it did end though and I cried. once again I assume because of the idea that I'll never be loved. Now I'm talking to Alex hukow. who I went to elementary school with. I can already tell this one is gonna be a mistake. and I will surely get my heart broken by him. it feels different. like this one might be more than an idea and when it ends, which it might soon. itll hurt alot. I hope you found someone. even if just for a little while. someone who loved you and found you beautiful and who laughed at your jokes and made you laugh. and I hope you've had *** at this point Jesus Christ! if you're a 25 year old virgin just get on tinder and lose it already!! also if you've gained weight its okay! but you know it feels ******, so try to work on it. im gonna try to work on it soon so that way you won't have to. that all the relationship stuff for now. back to friendships. things are kinda rocky with Diego. he's mad at me because I didnt defend Charlene on twitter when Oscar and nick and my sister subtweeted her. but he doesn't seem to have any problem with Oscar. men am I right. so ******* stupid. as far as the ward goes nick and I are working on a poetry project right now. I haven't talked to Ryan in a while. lily and Rachel are good. del stays praying for me. and thats about it. I miss Xavier. I work at a grocery store, a frys in the fuel center which is cool cause at least I'm alone. but I feel like I'm moving backwards. living at home, hanging out with my high school friends, working at a grocery store, talking to a kid from elementary school and trying to convince him to like me. its all just very ironic in an horrifically comedic way. (people I haven't mentioned yet but are important- Claire, Oscar, Dylan) okay we've gone through... historical events, relationship history, and friendship stances. I guess its time for the rough stuff. I'm writing this letter under the assumption that I haven't already ****** myself. if I have I wouldn't be surprised. I'd be 25 or 26 by this point. that seems like a long ways away and I don't know how much longer I'll make it. I'm trying really hard not to let it destroy me. its weighing on me. and Arizona is... awful. I hate everything about it. I miss LA and I miss performing and each day I start to feel increasingly untalented and mundane. everyday I hate myself a little more. I spend a lot on twitter. for literally no reason other than I like to shout into the ether. people rarely listen. that's okay. I'm starting to feel really alone. like just... so alone. and I don't want to die I just don't want to be here anymore. which is why I'm trying my hardest to get back to LA but... who knows. I hope you made it. in your own way. poetry or comedy or plays or movies or books. I hope in some way your voice is being heard. because the way it is now. on constant mute, its painful and I wouldn't wish that dread on anyone. including my future self. I know how much you've been through. and I can only assume its gotten worse because... well we've never had the best of luck. but I hope you're happy. like Saturday may 18th 3:02 am happy. I hope you found that again even if it was just for a moment. I hope you make your way back to your friends. to your little makeshift family. I hope you fall In love, with a man or a woman or something in-between. I hope you found success. I hope people listen when you talk and I hope you feel necessary. like you matter. it is very hard for me to say these things because where I am at I do not believe them. you matter. you are loved and people care. when you think you're alone you're wrong. I think its time to come to terms with the fact that you are usually always wrong. always jumping to conclusions. if by chance you didn't make it this far than I'm sorry, and I forgive you. I understand it was long enough. I understand it was hard. you did your best. and I truly truly mean that. no matter what happens you did your best. your best was good and is good enough. thats all I have to say, I wish I had a joke or something for you but all I can think about is that meme of the frog eating soup. it makes me cry so hard idk why. that frog just loves soup. well thats it... I'll see you on the other side.