A letter from August 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Happy 21st Birthday Bud! You made it this far, finished High School and well into Uni. Was it as scary as you thought? Keep working hard, it'll be all worth it. I'll just keep breathing I guess, keep pushing on for you. Are you loving yourself like you should? Eating your three meals, getting sleep, putting yourself out there? If not, start doing that. 2020 you is currently living in the covid-19 pandemic. Yeah, you remember that? Crazy time. It's been a lonely time lately. I wake up feeling so alone and the nights are even worse, I just hope I won't wake up. Maybe I'm doing some crazy narrative to make me feel more alive, like I matter. I feel no motivation as though I'm just floating in time and everything around me is trivial. I think I'm a ******, all my life I thought I was just a tiny bit more special but I've come to realise I'm really not. I'm not anything, not the smartest, prettiest, funniest or even interesting and if I were it was briefly. Who the hell am I? I'm not sure when the last time I was happy. I just want to feel loved so badly and yet I can't even give that to myself. I want to starve myself until I'm as empty as I feel, I want to run until I drop my head against the pavement, I'm that tempted to just give up on everything but seeing as you're reading this right now, I guess I kept going. Please keep going for me. Make me proud. Go call everyone and tell them how much you love them because life is too short, anything can happen. Don't let moments pass you. I love you x