A letter from August 3rd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, How are you? I hope you're doing alright, and I'm not saying this for the purpose of formality, it is a genuine intent of mine to wish you well, for the reason that right now your 18-year-old self is not. I have just read the letter that I sent myself back in 2016, and let me tell you, I was left teary-eyed, happy, sad, thankful and brokenhearted. The moment I saw the unread message on the top of my mailbox, my heart pounded. I totally forgot about using this service way back in 2016. It was a surprise, to say the least. As I went through the thoughts of the 14-year-old Anna, my emotions were taken to all sorts of extreme. It was a rush of sensations, and having spent so many days barely feeling, I struggled to keep up. The experience was surreal. It was like looking at the mirror, but the person looking back at me was someone else completely. Through this, I was further convinced of the deep melancholy that I have sunken into over the years. Right now, you are down in the dumps, no more than a sad sack. Your life is shrouded by failure, anxiety, and pessimism. I think this is the lowest I've ever gotten my whole life. Saying I feel terrible is an understatement. At this point, I couldn't be anything but apathetic. I am in so much pain. I feel like the world is closing in on me because nothing is going my way. My deep feelings of sorrow are rooted in the unfortunate reality that I was unsuccessful in my pursuit of getting into a prestigious college. The failure hurt, but what was truly unbearable was the disappointment and humiliation that came with it. It was a goal that I set out to accomplish from a very young age, also one that is well known by the people around me. So, when I was unable to achieve it, I felt like everyone was laughing at me, taking me for a fool for dreaming so big. The thought that they use my failure to inflate their own egos exasperates me. Coming from a troubled home, having been looked down on by my own relatives my whole life, I don't think anyone could ever understand how much that ambition truly means to me and how much it pains me to let it go. It was supposed to be my saving grace, but now, it is nothing more than an 'impossible dream'. To be honest, I have a lot more to be sad about, but what I have previously discussed sits heaviest in my heart. The only escape that I have is the excessive consumption of entertainment through various platforms on the Internet. One of these is TikTok. Mind you, I have 5,162 followers at the moment, and one viral video with over 300k+ views. It's quite a feat isn't it? I've always wanted to be appreciated. Moreover, I graduated high school with high honors, being in the top 3 of my class and top 5% of the graduating batch, if that's even a thing, lol. Despite this, and the many other accomplishments that I have garnered throughout the past four years, I still feel extremely inadequate and deeply unhappy. As I laid on the bed reading that FutureMe email, I could not help but miss the person I was in 2016. Her enthusiasm and optimism drained as time passed, I can barely recognize the girl behind that letter. She seemed thrilled by the idea of the future, carefree and zealous in discovering what is yet to come—it's enviable. Now, at 18, I am nothing but a shell of that young and vibrant 14-year-old lady. It's a shame that her hopes and dreams for this year, for me, have to go unfulfilled. I want to apologize to her, and I want to continue chasing the dreams that are within my power to chase for you. 23-year-old Anna, I hope you are doing alright, that you are experiencing happiness and content equivalent to the pain and struggles I am going through right now. The hardships I endure today is not for anybody else but for you. I trust that you are the successful, well-established, respectable woman that everyone thought you would never be. And that, in spite of it all, you keep your feet on the ground and remain the tactful and compassionate soul you always have been. If you are not, I hope you know that it's never too late, you weren't raised a quitter, don't give up. It’s quite ironic coming from someone as apathetic and pessimistic like me, but I mean it. Make me, Papa, and everybody who believes in you proud—yourself included. At some point, you might feel hopeless or that there may only be a handful of people who truly are rooting for you, and it might upset you but during the most unnerving moments of your life, I want you to look for a silver lining. Having a little is better than having nothing at all. If you must, be resentful of the times the world has deprived you of the things you wanted and needed, but be thankful for what you have been given. Maximize, make the best out of what you have. In addition to this, I just wanted to remind you to take good care of Mama, your dad and your mom. It is now the time to give back. Be sure to keep them aware that you love them and that they play an indispensable part in your success. Show them how much you value their presence while you still can. Also, do not forget to visit Papa's grave from time to time, he would feel down if you didn’t do that. To end this letter, I would like to leave you with a quote that I just recently stumbled upon, and that I believe would sum up the content of this letter perfectly: “I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald Future me, I wish you the best. I pray the odds will work in your favor. Take care of yourself and stay healthy. Love, You