A letter from August 2nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I’m really tired right now but I just wanna let out my thoughts because I feel like I’ll forgot and idk I guess I just wanna remember this to see if I’m headed in that direction in life or another. I can’t figure myself out and I know other people can’t figure me out. Most of the times I don’t know what I want or how I feel. It’s really confusing and I just want to know who I am as a person. The topic of this letter it’s about my feelings. I’ve recently had this obsession with getting married and having a husband and two dogs and living in a nicely decorated house in somewhere like Seattle. That has been my go to day dream lately. That’s what I always think of. I’ve even addressed letters to myself about this particular daydream. But know I am thinking and really getting into this. Idk I’ve been watching videos of happily married young couples on TikTok (is that still a thing) I’ve been watching those videos and ofc it’s like me to see myself in that situation. I really don’t that with everything. And as I’m thinking now I’m realizing that maybe this isn’t what I actually want. Maybe I just like the whole aesthetic and idea of it. But I’m not really looking into the full thing of how hard it is to keep a family together or how hard it is to be a parent and to not be like you’re parents pr to lead your children in the right direction of life. I just like the idea of marriage and a family and how it looks but I’m not focused on the downside of it. I lowkey think that if I was married and I couldn’t have children I would be okay if I had two dogs. Or if I was single, I would be ok with two dogs. Just living an ordinary life and all. I’m starting to realize how immature my dream sounds. This is real life and all. Of course I’m not saying I never want a marriage or kids but whatever God wants me to do in life I hope that that is direction I will follow in. I hope that I will be fine if God decides to put me in a certain predicament. Idk the fears of being a parent are getting to me. There’s this thing all over social media about how Gen Z is gonna be the best parents and I honestly think my generation is going to be the worse. They let anything happen. It’s a whole nother topic. But this generation is definitely going to change **** up in the parenting style and I’m hoping it’s for Th e better but most likely it won’t be. I think I’m scared of how people are going to view me with the way I will raise my child. I want to do things the more traditional and respectful way. But God knows that Gen Z will let anything pass. And they’re a whole bunch of ******* sensitive *** *******. I already see myself emulating (idek what the word means I’m hoping you do big) my parents behavior and even though I don’t want to I am. I have a low tolerance, and I have no patience for any bs. I’m hoping that I will be mature if I ever have any kids and handle things the right way. Idk I guess it just scares me because I’m not there. I’m only 15. I haven’t even lived yet and idk what the hell im doing. So this shouldn’t me something I should be worrying about. There are tons of other things a teen should be worrying about. But I know I’m not like other teens. I’m boring as **** and I don’t do **** at all. By the time you get this letter you will be 20-21 I guess. I wonder how you’re life is going. Hopefully your life is getting progressively better and you actually are grounded and know what you're doing. Anyways this is just a thought I needed to let out 🤷🏽‍♀️ Till next time (lol the tired went away. It’s like 3:00am I should go to bed)