A letter from August 2nd, 2020

dear nour, i dont know what to say. im lost and and i just want to die, my eating disorder is as bad as ever, but the only thing that keeps me going is hope in the future. i want to go into medical school once i graduate, did you do that? if you didnt, im disappointed and i bet i hate myself (i think it’s okay to be a ***** to your future self?) studying for my computer external has taken a toll on me. yesterday i had a mental breakdown because i wasnt able to solve past papers, everything rn is just so hard ya5i, but im doing it for you. this will all be worth it and the hard work WILL pay off inshallah. i bet you’ll read this and look back at and think “i was such a ridiculous silly girl who tf cries over past papers” well i do LMAO. enough about me, how are you doing lately? how’s your relationship with food? have you recovered? are you still deep in the ed? according to my calculations, rn youre in your second year of university, going into your third. based on your past, i think it’s safe to say that youre doing horrible, but thats okay. i just want you to know that i believe in you and you can do it!! youve gone so far already. ALSO DID YOU GET ENGAGED OR MARRIED YET???? if you did, it better be a good dude or i swear ill hate you forever, im not a feminist for nothing and im certainly not a hypocrite. i truly hope you’re doing well and that you’re enjoying life, and im so so so proud of who you’ve become. i love you (i think)