A letter from July 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hi gauriiiiiiiiiiiiii Hope you r doing well. Remember we made a deal to write to each other in future. Yes so here I m writng. So today is 26th july 2020. Corono is still spreading around and luckily I m alive :)) I don’t know we r still in lockdown and I don’t know when it ll get over. So aprom nee enna panra? Hows ur life? Periya aal ayita bro ;) Ok so read it further if u r in the right mental space and free. Sorry I advance ;) U remember when we were in the path lab and micro lab during our 2nd year, I use to keep asking you for your time to tell u something and I still remember it kept on adding till 55 minutes. After that I didn’t count may be. So I guess this mail doesn’t take more than 55 minutes of ur time. Remember how I always wanted a stranger to talk and never meet them again. Or someone from other language speaking person so that I could tell them everything and at the same time have a satisfaction for not feeling sticky sticky. this is the exact definition when I say its sticky sticky feeling;) So writing this to you bcos I feel with time our relation would hav got little distant and may b we r not in touch with each other in the year 2026;) Btw( if we did lose contact in 2026, I think its better u domt read further ) i dont k why did i even think now to tell u abt this.... may b bcos of this lockdown or its one of those days where I feel extremely low or I thought I should keep up my promise for letting u know. Its so strange and weird to b honest. If u feel if i m being dramatic or stupid.. i want u to stop reading and skip it. People always say that i overthink a lot. I complicate things so much unnecessary and keep silent a lot in imp times... i jus think at those times... in fact i think everytime Every moment before talking. And trust me when i say this Every remote decision i ever take in my life is somewhat keeps circling around this point. Do u remember once I asked – what is the one thing u r afraid or it kept bothering u a lot. I think I asked this to himalini also. I wish I was brake like her. She was bold enough apovae to tell to me. Like she has already come with in terms with that and she was matured back then itself. She said her hair was her biggest enemy ... she said she faced so much pain and difficulty bcos of her hair colour that when she was small, Ppl used to see her differently and ofc she would hav faced a sense of discomfort la but the way she told me everything when I asked her…. She was very brave and open and true. I feel being true is the most important feature of being strong. And apo dhan I asked u and even u asked me in return… I smiled and nodded my head and said no I lied May b u knew I think that I lied nu therla but u didn’t ask me further questions Or u were too kind not to dig deep and ask. I feel I was never brave.. I m not even close to being true to myself Its not easy to me to be me. I find me always at a back step. Its so difficult for me to b me. I had to behave or act in a different way to cover up my scars and look like other. There is ****** reason why i feel insecure and me abt me. And moreover talking abt this to ppl make me more weak. Its makes me looks like a miniature animal in front of a gaint mammoth. Why is that i dont open up to people? May b bcos when i was small no one actually tried to hav a convo with me abt that.. and when I grew up I didn’t feel comfortable for opening about this to anyone…only a handful of ppl of ppl know this in a outline. I found no purpose in telling to people... i thought it would jus make me feel more weak in front of them. My mom use to say... i grew up slowly... Like it was a delayed slow grow...i started to walk late.. i started to talk late.. i started to climb steps late.. ( u remember the day when u told me that even u had a slow growth - i was almost in a position to tell u then but as usual i didn't. I k i m good at controlling my mouth) I first joined Lkg, then one teacher of mine told my parents that i m *not* even talking in class to anyone. Yea... later the school decided not to promote me to Ukg.. as found me not capable for promotion. I had to repeat my LKG again. Yes i read lkg twice ( when ppl ask me why i m 97 born and having 2 yrs gap... *i say them only i joined school late* and dropped one yr in kota.. i dont tell anyone abt my lkg history) so i studied lkg again.. i dont remmeber whether i made talking again..no idea Even my parents didnt realise it as big as prob then..they ignored it This went for few years... Later my dad got a tranfer... to Ahmedabad. We got shifted I am a very small boy ukg passed and 1std goin... New place new school new language... Then i didnt knew hindu nor Gujarati... i couldnt talk to any of my frnds in school and i knew very little english and most people there didnt knew english... so i was jus this silent kid in the school...like a mute channel.. No one talkesd to me and i didnt knew how to talk to them... it was very hard for me make friends there in the beginning... i later got used to b silent in school And then after a yr or two.. i learnt some hindi and i got close to a bengali frnd - aniyek das. He was my 1st frnd. I got my 1st frnd at 2nd 3std may b... i got my 1st frnd when i was 6 7 years! I spoke a lot to him... i spoke too much... like all the things which i wanted to speak then... i spoke them all to him.... It was nice... those times were the best for me... Abd later 4th std end.. My dad got transferred again to chennai... I had to leave my only frnd.. i was again alone It was bad... As i grew there partly and not completly...i was neither good at tamil nor hindi. I was half half. In chennai New school new people... I didnt knew wat to do I knew i was not like them.. i knew back then i was different... I mostly kept quiet in school And maintained a formal relations with all for some mnths Later i got few close frnds... karthick and sivaraman aparna. It was nice... i was in 6th grade then... My sis had to change school so even i too changed school In 7th i came to modern school... Then things changed... I got a little matured and becoming matured and getting aware of the surrounding has its own pros and cons. I wanted to hide from people.. i wanted to stay away from public.. i avoided a group of many people... I dont k. I felt myself small and not fitting in the group... Yea.. i know i dont hav to say .. i know people know abt it... some ask me directly and some are curious to know and some ignore me.. I know i talk differently. I dont pronouce the words the way its supposed to b. I cant pronouce few sounds.. i say it in a different sound and entire word changes.... Yes. This got me struck so hard when i was growing up... I wanted to hide it. So only one way. *dont talk*. I did that I kept a silent relation with most of them in school It made me a introvert. I m not a introvert by nature..its but by choice and i got used to it. In school i use to talk to specific persons and whenver people asked me why i speak differently... i blame it on my upbringing in gujarat. Few people thought i was native of gujart so i spoke like that.. It was helping me.. i kept saying people i was from gujarat and helping me cover my scar. I dont know dude. I think its a part of my life now. Rough things happen to me everyday and i get hurt and again get normal and get hurt due to this. So i changed myself completely in public and my difficultly of mine changed my character. It made me a introvert It made me a silent person It made to think a lot before speaking It made me difficult from others. Overall it made me *weak* Growing up with this problem was soo hard and painful. There r many n8 i jus cry in bed Many times in temple Many times in bath. (Ukw Almost never hav i told this to my parents. I m proud of myself for that. ) It never made me feel confident abt myself... everytime i speak smthg... people at the end of it ask me strange questions Few asks me Is it from birth? It is funny U talk like a child! U r cute when u talk ..stuff like that. My parents realised abt my behaviour when was in middle school.. my dad used to take me to a speech specialist few times say 10 15 sittings may b... they taught me some excersie which could help me pronounce words correctly... it was so ******* weird to go there to the clinic every sunday back then. I saw other people also there... now i think they must b like cleft lip patients smthg.. i dont k After a point i didnt go.. and even my dad didnt take me May b he felt it was not a worth a difficultly to consult a doc or he jus lost hope... i dont know. After that till now... my dad nor my mom talks or asked me abt this to me and how i cope up this everyday...i dont k I convince myself that they dont ask because they dont feel this as much of a disability I avoided very forms to public interaction in school.. i dont take part in any of the oratorical events...even for things as small as readind a para openly in class.. i use to get so anxious and started to stammer some times in front of my classmates... it was so painful ...whenever i think abt it even now.. i feel so small... It was so difficult for me to go to shop and buy stuff some times...the shopkeeper jus laugh at me when i say and makes me repeat the same word again and again.... Like whenver i use to go ginger... i say it as dinder... they laugh... I thought i could find a alternative.. translate to tamil.. ennji i say it as indhi Both ways it was sooo scary for me. I wantedly stopped buying ginger whenever my mom send me to shopping... and few other items also... And told my I forgot to buy those items which I wantedly ignored not to buy. Ukw I stopped eatinf few foods too... bcos i jus couldnt order ir correctly..and i changed my eating habits bcos of this. I never order idli in hotels.... i say it , they hear iggly.... they laugh or giv a strange face.. it was easy for me to order dosa. I started liking dosa. No choice Found burger more easy than pizzas Many things.... Even in own house.. i started to adapt to look normal and sound normal. I dont say fridge.. i call it refrigerator. It was more crt to me. I dont call it charger in my house.. i say it adapter I didnt get a motorolo and instead got a samsung. Same reason. Every day day Every single statement i spoke Every time i speak... I started for look for alternative words... I search for easy words I looks for words which the opposite person can hear it correctly and doesnt see me weak. Or simply.. i dont talk and maintained a low profile. I faced my insults from shopkeepers Neighbours Frnds Eveb teachers many a times. And even my cousins and own sister. I dont blame it on my sister now... wat she did was a wasnt mistake .. bcos she was also small and she wanted a perfect brother and i was not. Its not wrong... Ukw She asked me not to call her by her name in public when we grew up... i felt so insulted when i called her by her name in public in front of relatives and frnd...i called her lekha instead of rekha.... I jus made myself silent with my sister.. It was difficult for me to grow up every single day...and even in colleges i hav faced this many times.. starting from 1st yr to now....leena mam Venkatesh sir Sandha mam Anupriya mam Physio hari sir And many other... F1 canteen Our classmates and Some People are kind now.. may b they stopped asking me directly.. But i can sense the way the start hearing differently... their facial expressions changes after while i talk... i couldnt do anything I started to adapt again in college... I started getting egg puff instead of veg – (ved puff) everytime.. i stopped eating fizzy cola.. many times Like things got so much changed into me like i dont know which r the things i changed and which r things i grew up with... i adapted so much in me that i dont know who am i really and wat i like really. I jus forced many things into me to be that way bcos it was easy. I stopped calling difficult names in public... If u realise I dont hav call ranjani by her name. I dont . Because ppl hear it as randani or nandini... many ppl hav asked me who is nandini started calling niranjana as ramani. Ramani was easier Dakku for darshini And even most of the times I called u nyapathi and not gauri Bcos I didn’t wanted to feel like a **** in public everytime Jeevakanthan for jeeva bcos it sounded like deeva many a times... Many ppl dude Srinivasan instead if harini... so many more... In 2nd yr beginning 3rd sem.. i gathered courage to visit our clg doc and ask him abt this... I once bunked my gen med posting i remember in dec 2017 and went to ravi kumar sir in udayar block op. He checked me... and he told he i dont hav any structural abnormalities or deficit and told me normal. He later reffered me to a speech specialist in our clg ... That evening i bunked 2 to 4... i went to the doc and they did a audiometry test to see whether i heard things properly or not bcos they thought i heard them differently since birth so i pronounce them wrong nu..audiometry was normal And then... they had me testes for my speech... he made a list of syllabi i was not able to pronouce and told i require therapy 3 times a week for 30 mins minimum. So.. he sent me to vidhya sudha behind archana annexe. The first time i went there... it was sooo ******* bad dude.. i felt soo bad. I dont k how to explain... all other people in that block were parents of kids who needed therapy... all small ppl and me alone a 20 yr old getting myself in formals and goin for therapy.... i went for lik 2 3 wks max... i use to leave early from posting... tell some lie to gogul swami and go there without letting others know... and came to common hall around 12 30.( While coming back i happen to meet harini most of times and come with her to common hall.. and that was time u guys were making fun of me and her ) I could manage to go there for only 2 weeks... i couldnt be there with other small kids and me taking therapy... i jus stopped... Ome day while coming Out...i dont k.. i was crying a bit i gues... apo dhan kaviya akka saw me from archana... later she asked me many times.. apo dhan i told her that i m getting a therapy for my speech.. shes the only person who knew that... not even my parents or anyone know...till now. Later i stopped goin....dont k y I didnt feel like going or i was afarid i would be seen by other ppl also or i got busy with posting... Even i college.. i managed to maintained a low figure... didnt giv my names for seminar and all...even when i actually wanted to take class... didnt take part in paper or case presentation... atteneded only workshops in every confernece Didnt answer much questions in class not that i knew all answers... but even the known answers.. i didnt. After a point ... like 22 yrs later I jus used to it being this way... i jus remain silent most of the time...i avoided every possible interaction. I dont generally talk when there r many ppl in a group.... i jus limited myself to talk to people 1 to 1. Bcos less people less weak i felt... with more people.. i had to think too much and was afriad at getting trolled.... I dont k dude....its been my life this way U may ask me how did i able to giv a ppt ay Malaysia voluntarily when i avoided so much stuff for a long time... i opted for Malaysia bcos... its abroad and not many known familiar ppl of mine ll b there... i dont hav to meet them again.. if it was our clg na.. i would hav to face faculties and many frnds.. and it would cause more anxiety to me.. but in a less familiar place.. with not many knowm people.. i thought it would b safe... Thats the reason i avoid sending voice notes to anyone and rather type it out to ppl.... and i generally choice to hav a mute mouth when somone is taking a video especially during those birthday song videos.... bcos i know my voice ll b heard out from the group distinctly.... And trust me all these video calls at 12s during this lockdown for other ppl bday has made me so anxious and I say hbd along with all the ppl and didn’t talk anything in separate. Sometimes it gets very hard and it couldn't manage and choose to break myself from people.... those unexplained leave i take... thats bocs i get tired of everything and i jus want to sleep whole day And u remember that short film... i forced abishek to let someone else dub instead of me bcos i didnt wamt to feel weak and small disabled more... that also also a part of the reason.. why i was never a part of their boys gang like tp and all... from school i was this forced intovert kid and in clg and later i wanted to hide myself.. and being in this type of boys gang wont b let hide... i would b known to all.. and it would becomes worse... No one has any idea to how much extent i hav to think even for a minor issues... I know at times i would hav been stupid and i dont blame it on my disability... i know i m blessed.. and generally happy.. my dad loves me soo much and i guess my mom too .. its ok dude... with the ppl i love and with the ppl i m close to .. its easier for me... i be me. Its a relief. I m generally very happy in my life...i think this made me more polite and understand life in a broader sense. Like with u … I found it ok to teach u and have a video call with u and prepare topics and all…thanks for making it easier… There were times i just hope i sleep, some miracle would happen and wake up like every other individual... but it doesn't work that way rght. It understood it late. I jus stopped praying god to correct this...i dont do that these days...its so difficult to say everything which happened to my life in a single msg in one n8... i hav bottled up 22 yrs of my life and the emotions find it hard to outpour now. Ukw Once taking history in peds posting last yr I think u might remember this ….i hav broadly told u that year that I hated peds posting The boy may b 7 8 yrs old asked me why i talk like a child nu... he kept asking me that throughout history taking.. and other posting ppl were also there me... it was like the worstu thing in clg i guess.... i couldnt do anything... it made me think to the extent of y did i choose this field and how will survive in future.. i am actually terrified now. I dont wanna think. Its **** scary. Ppl say they hav post traumatic stress depression... i hav been living with it for my entire life... i hav traumatic stress depression everyday.. i hav social phobias everytime to meet new people. I hav never had enough courage to meet a psychiatrist and say this... i guess i would never... bcos even they cant do anything I guess i learnt a few things to live my life... I dont argue with ppl face to face.... bcos i k it would sound funny to me as well to them and i ll end up a laughing stock and i whenever i feel low or lonely... i jus *sleep*. The Best therapy i tell u is to sleep. Doesnt a legless man feel jealous when he sees a running man... Jus exactly like that... i m i get jealous a lot... i myself dont like it.. and i m trying to reduce it ... I get jealous of perfect ppl. I get of jealous of boys who hav everything perfect...thats the reason i hate alen veera aakash... sorry dude..i m jealous of them.. i know i m being evil... Its bcos seeing them makes me so aware of my weakness. I admire their confidence.. i envy their presence and boldness.... they r perfect. I promise i wont let it grew on me.. i ll work on it...i wish someday atleast i hav half the confidence like them.. Ukw I once told naveena that i dont like veera and aakash nu i dont k how she took it... even in school.. i was jealous of rohit... Later he jus became my close frnd.. and i m happy for him now... Ppl say even in school me and rohit use to look alike.. but rohit was their favourite …. np now. I understand now. Ofc he is perfect and i m happy for him genuinely. Ukw Me since childhood... i loved listening to songs.... and after a point i started to try to sing those songs... but i agree it was a disaster none like it...and i jus stopped singing afaird that they ll troll me.... but later i found a solution to that too.. i started to **** the song wantedly... i started to troll the song i sing... when i do it myself, ppl thought i was jus ******* the song... they dont k that i am trying to cover my bad singing with even more disaster ... i guess u understand Thats the reason i like slow sad melodous songs... they r easy to sing and less words and they r sad.... Fast beats song were difficult for me to even say the words... Basically overall thats it dude.. now that i survive big stuff in clg these days... all the minute school things and day to day stuff doesnt look like a big prob to me... but as a child when i grew up.. it had a great deal of my childhood... it affected me so much as a kid uk that i jus moulded myself as it requires... This prob of mine also changed this the way I looked at love and relation and all u k.... U remember i tell u every time..i dint want to b in a relationship... its bcos i m afaird. I m insecured abt myself. I know i am not complete for any girl and that girl deserves someone better than me obv. I agree.. naga was my 1st crush... And i had a feeling for her... but i always thought i m not perfect for her... i couldnt even pronouce her properly .. her name for nagasivanjali.....to get my feeling faded i convinced myself she deserves a better person than me.. and i jus lost the feeling on her bcos i was conscious abt mine prob. Later in 12th she proposed me.. i didnt want her to b in relation with me.. wat if she agreees now and later decides to dump me bcos of the way i m.. it would break me more... i said no to her. I was insecure abt myself... and i was aware abt me. Ok. As a school boy i was thinking for her life also.. And later i decieded... i shdnt b part of any relation and make the girl suffer bcos of me.. ofc it ll b awkward for the girl to hav someone like me to be her partner Every girl wants a perfect man.and i knew i was not the one. So at max.. i developed few crushes in clg...and somehow this insecurity abt me helped me in getting the crush feeling to fade away... bcos it made me realise how i m in real. I m afraid to b any relation... even for me getting a close frnd was a big deal in school and childhood... and the frnds who i thought they ll close to me left me alone when i needed them the most... so i couldnt afford anyone to enter my life and giv me hopes and break it and make me feel more worse and week. Bcos i know that even if the girl agrees now.. she ll grow up and later regret on having me.. thats like sooo worse and terrible. So even now... i jus hav few crushes and i k it would fabe away... so this made me to be a single i guess...ofc i m afraid dude... instead of being true to her... i ll try to protect my weakeness to act bold at first.. but i wont b able to do it always... and at some point she has to know that she didn't hav to settle for someone for me. Thats the same reason i never let me grow feeling on anyone so strongly...i ll accept things as it is now ans go with the flow.... dont k how far i ll able to... But yea With this set of ppl I need to hide my weakness for more 2 more years. U remember I alawsy tell u there r 40 months remaining 30 remaining and all… I literally count the number of days. and then again new set of ppl and new game of hide and seek and adapting. I think i can never b ready for relationship goals stuff like that..i jus hope for few close frnds which whom i can b myself and i dont need to hide the way i am I wanted to hide myself.. i wanted not to show myself weak in front of u... so i always had small talks with most of the ppl in clg during first 2 yrs.. and later i thought talking over insta and virtually connected can help me to be me. I dont hav to worry abt the way i pronouce when i text. I dont hav to find for a better alternative when i type.. so this way was easy. I dont k y did i hav to let it out today at midnight... may b i was wanting to tell to someone and was waiting for the rght time and was waiting for the person to get to close to me ... but now i realised i can never b close to anyone bcos ppl feel i hide things and dont share abt myself and they in turn dont tell anything and there's no way i could get close to them.... its a vicious cycle dude. Ukw I first thought i could tell abt my prob to ninja...later she was too occupied by swami stuff... For a very long time i thought i could tell to pranati... now i feel she has only got away from me... and recently i thought i could tell to himalini.. bcos may b she also has a social phobia and insecurities abt her hair may b... dont k... i didnt. Bcos i m not that close to her.. there were many moments i thought i could tell to u... i wanted to tell to people in person..and was hoping for it ssly... thats it.. u jus wait for the rght time and rght time doesnt come never.. and lose it all Already i hav a lost many things bcos of this and i didnt want to lose the privilege of atleast talking abt this to someone.. Yea.. btw one day.. i happen to read some speech therapy books in our library... I saw it Its called lipsing. Its a developmemtal error it seems.. some people develop inability to pronouce some syllable. Its a either error... either they learn it incorrectly or learn it slwoly and its delayed..other risk factors were thumb sucking for a longer duration in childhood... It requires speech therapy or it m8 it get crt in growing up... ofc As compared to b4 in school.. i feel i m better in pronouncing most of the syllabi.. but most exactly rght. But i m not gonna hav expectation and hope that it ll get better ..its ok. I got used to it growing up and i dont wamt to hope more and get broken. Yea...i think i better go sleep now...too much of thinking today. Jus wanted to say things to u... nthg else. Good n8 May b now u can understand.. y i like movies like tamasha and sad ending where here and heroine dont get to b together in life... bcos those movies depicted two personalities one inside hiding his weakness and acting casual on outside..and sad love stories bcos... its almost same in mine too where the hero cant b able to be with heroine. Everything i liked or told or happens in my house revolves around the fact of me trying to help myself to look confident and hiding my weakness and disabilities. This was the thing which me "sticky sticky" and keeps bothering me a lot... But i m happy with my life... everyone has problems and so do i Heeee Sorry for ruining for day … therla I felt I shd tell to u Thanks dude Hope it didn’t more than 55 minutes( pinch in the skin web btw ur thumb and index;).