A letter from July 5th, 2020

a letter to myself: it’s so easy to feel like the world around you is falling apart you’ve learned at such a young age that the only person that’s going to have your back more than anybody else is going to be you i want you to know that it’s perfectly okay to feel sad and be vulnerable to your feelings you don’t have to constantly be this person that is strong 100% of the time it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to feel like nothing is working out sometimes. it’s okay to feel like you’re not the strongest person you know. the time you start to admit these feelings to yourself is the way you’re going to grow and get even stronger. i can promise you that. a bunch of this self deprecation you’re letting yourself go into is thanks to a really bad, toxic, miserable past you’ve experienced. whether that be what happened in your family or what happened outside of it (freshman + sophomore year of college), i want you to know that these events and trauma does not define who you are as a person. getting through these problems is what made you grow even stronger. you are not defined from trauma. all of the self doubt, answering the question “do i actually love myself?”, the burned bridges, “am i happy right now?” … why do you suppose you ask those questions? where is it coming from? how do we deal with you to heal from this hurt? why are you so teary eyed right now?… to put it in simpler terms, everything feels like it’s building up so much. this is your last year being a college student. you went through a bunch of hardships but with your capabilities, i’m just so proud that you got through it this far. that you’re living in the flesh. that after every episode of your life if that was your extreme high, extreme low, crying on the couch or to your friends, in the bathroom corner, feeling like everything was just going to be better if it was over, you’re still here. i don’t care what happens to you or what path you take - but just being able to fight your thoughts and obstacles to get to this point is more than enough to say, i am proud of you. i love you more than anyone else. so yeah, i think i can say that i do love myself. i love you more than anyone because i am constantly thinking about you. i am constantly worried for your wellbeing. i am looking out for you. i’m pampering you. admiring your beauty in the golden light of the sun. complimenting each and every bit of your skin and curves. challenging you to push yourself in ways that might have been hard before. making you even write this letter to yourself now just so you can feel reassured that you are worth it all. you deserve the world because you’ve done no harm. you have such amazing intentions and with your heart, you can conquer what you dream to if you just keep pushing your faith so much that you’ll feel like you’re soaring in the sky. i want you to feel that one day, look back at this letter, and just smile. even cry if you have to. i hope you can re read this letter as much as you can in different angles. in different times of your life. every single word is a bit of yourself getting poured out. you were only 20 when you wrote this but i hope there’s a way i can make sure you read this at every stage of your life to give you faith. you are blessed with some of the most amazing people in your life who want nothing but the best for you. even if it might seem like it’s not there, i promise you it is. they will provide you with everything and anything your heart desires. if you need to take time for yourself, they will understand that. sometimes people aren’t the best at dealing with extreme intense emotions and that’s reasonable because everyone isn’t actually a therapist for you. like i said, you’re the one that’s always going to have your back before anyone else. you’re the person that knows yourself better than anyone else. you writing this letter? you think anybody else is going to be able to write one better than this? this is all about you and i’m so proud of you. i’m not saying everyone else in your life may not “understand” you - they’re so brilliant & will be there for you in a heart beat. please be aware that you’re forever lucky to have them and don’t fill your heart with the wrong idea because every single intention of theirs is for the best. i promise. when you have days where you feel like you have to read this letter again, i hope you understand that’s a sign to take it as easy as you possibly can. if you have responsibilities, wait until you’re ready and complete them. if you don’t think you have the energy to talk to people or entertain like you usually do, because your heart is always filled with the desire to make people happy, then please for once take it easy. breathe in, breathe out, as much as you have to (even if you think it’s stupid) because i’m so happy that you can breathe in the first place. if you have to journal again, do it. eat your favorite meal. dance it out if you have to. whatever you do, i’ll always be so proud of you for being you. ********, (i know you got teary eyed again reading your own name) keep your head up. every bit of faith and your future is in your hands. i love you more than anything.