A letter from July 1st, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope you are still surviving and holding it together. I don't know if our mindset has changed but I hope you know our bad days matter so don't think our feelings and emotions are invalid. Don't think you are invalid. I know it sucks going from doing well to doing horrible and that hasn't changed as of right now. We both didn't think we would make it but we have. I know it's hard to plan for the future when we stopped planning but we did. I want you to remember not everything has a deadline. You don't have to be on top of everything. Not everything that happens, you are going to be able to control. Remember not to work every bit of energy in your body. I know you are scared of everything drastically changing but its okay. You might not want to talk to anyone about it or just push it all the way down and ignore it, but know not to pick the most damaging choice, it won't help. I hope you are doing well in the future, thriving and all. I hope you were able to seek professional help to get everything taken care of. I'm not sure if we truly become content with our lives and are happy with it, so if we do I hope it stays and isn't temporary. I have a lot of questions for our future but I'm not going to ask you but I do have a couple of questions. Do we go through more even more hardships with people to get there? Are we living or just existing? Do the bad days get worse or slowly stops? Do we continue to have a support system or has everyone distanced themselves? Are we still loved or has everyone lied? Are we still numbing ourselves or has it stopped? I don't know what to tell you or ask, I would say how you should be loving yourself and living your best life but we both know it's hard and we don't believe in it as of right now. I want to tell you not to listen to the thoughts but we both know the thoughts win at times. The only thing I want to tell you is I hope we got to feel more than a little bit of content than usual and we are still surviving. I hope the family is still doing good and I hope you don't continue to feel pressure from them. I want to tell you something because this is needed as of right now; You got this, I know it gets hard but you got through it even while struggling. Don't ever dismiss any achievement you ever completed and don't ever think your feelings are small and invalid. You matter and your feelings matter, I know for the longest time you think any feeling isn't allowed or valid unless it's content and happiness. Know that isn't true, you are able to feel everything and nothing you feel should be dismissed. I want you to know every day I love you even when we go through the worst bad days and we hate ourselves, I love you even more. You are a strong being and been through a lot and still haven't given up, you are struggling but you haven't given up. You go out there and try to make people smile and you do and I know it feels like you don't matter but you do. You are the person when someone needs reasonable advice, you are the person that can make everyone laugh and are the light at that moment. You are the light in someones' life when they need more reassurance and more love. You are the person who helps when everyone is busy. I know this seems absurd because they don't really tell you on an everyday basis or tell you how much they love you. I love you because with everything you went through you were still able to do this instead of giving up. I hope life doesn't give up on us and we don't give up on ourselves. I love you when we go through good or bad or mediocre. I love you through everything and still will love you through everything. Just know it's okay, it's okay to not be okay. From, Past Me in July 2020.