A letter from June 26th, 2020

Dear Me, It's kinda funny how you're sitting here right now. Holding back tears. Or well, barely able to. All because he was able to replace you. I mean you knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It actually took way longer than you thought it would. Maybe you actually meant something to him huh. But I think you're barely holding back tears because you're scared. The same reason why you even stayed with him for as long as you did. You're scared of being alone. Even though you always preach that staying single is not the end of the world and that you'll be a successful woman all on your own. It's not shameful whatsoever to stay single. But still, you long for a connection with someone. Someone that looks at you and sees the entire universe in your eyes. Maybe you're just hormonal as **** right now because of your period. But you've always been scared of being alone. Not finding anyone that likes all the weird sides of you. That always exhausted you, didnt it? Pretending to be some kind of person you're really not? Maybe that's why you wanted to go back so bad, to your native country. You thought maybe if I go back eventually it'll be easier. You'll have so many options. It's just hard not quite fitting into either cultures. You can't really talk to anyone that understands you. And in this day and age it's hard to even get to know new people. You'll have to try harder. You had all these plans this year to travel alone. But ofcourse because of the pandemic, you're not going anywhere. I hope that when you're reading this, you're finally okay with yourself. Because reading this over I realized that a lot of this fear is coming from the fact that you don't think you're enough. That's why you want to try and change so much. But you are enough. But you have to learn to be enough for yourself. Just like you had to learn that you aren't stupid and will succeed. You proved that teacher wrong who belittled you when you were 12. I hope that by the time you're reading this you submitted your thesis and that it went well. I think you should be graduating soon. YOU did that. All on your own. Because you ARE enough. Stop doubting yourself. Stop comparing yourself to everyone. You're pretty. You're a loving person with too many feelings sometimes. But you're human. And you're enough. Please start loving yourself. Please let go of this fear. Someone will realize how great you are someday. At least I hope so. But before that you need to realize that first. Now I really need to stop crying. I need to study for this exam on monday. I'm nervous but I know it'll be okay. Just like how you'll be okay. Hang in there futureself. I hope you're well. And I hope you're not as broken as I am right now. I hope you moved on. I hope you finally removed him from everything. Him and everyone he knows. That's the only way you'll truly move on. Focus on your future. Graduate. Enjoy that moment. Plan out whatever tf you'll do next. You've already thought this through. You got this. This pandemic really took a toll on you man. It forced you to address so many thing about yourself and it's honestly scary. But one thing is for sure. You're not that scared little 12 year old girl anymore. It's time for the real **** to happen. The real world. I know you hate when people say that. As if the world you're living in right now is fake. But the truth is the world I'm living in right now isn't everything. And neither is the world you're in right now. Reminds me of that cheesy quote you used to love as a teenager. Like the seasons, things change. And so will your mindset. I finally stopped crying. And I think it's really time for me finish studying. I love you. I really do. With love always, Your past self.