A letter from June 18th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Today’s Thursday 18 June 2020 and it was a rainy day during a 4 month lockdown and I found my self sat writing this down on my notes and wanted my feature self to know on how I was such a emotional cold angry and heartbroken mess I was . I was always in the wrong crowds and always emotionally hurt I’d cry my self to sleep or just sit in the shower think on how messed I was and then it all clicked MY CHILDHOOD WAS MESSED I lost my only rock within 3 years on knowing him he was the best friend and also my best grandad he’d always be there with a smile on his face waiting for me to come running into his arms and talk but then cancer got the best of him and instead of him watching me live on I kissed his head and watched the angels take him to heaven. Later on my mum was feeling depressed and wanted to die day in and out she’d do anything do pass but god alway saved her till on day things got so bad she was admitted to hospital and that’s when i met my friend of 8 weeks she was 18 and was a nice girl but life was too much so she tried to end it I would sit with her for her 24 hour IV drips watching her in pain till god came down and saved her. My dad was having a argument with me so I told Him I want to get married and now he’s looking for somebody that’s kind loving and dose all that he can to make sure I’m a strong and individual person. Anyways let’s get to the point- How are you doing? I hope you are doing well. I know life has been tough but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. Thank you for not giving up. Life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. If you are sometimes happy or sometimes sad, be glad because this is life. If you don’t want these ups and downs in life, then that is as good as wanting *****. The challenges you have gone through, and those you will face in the future, may break you down. It makes you think about your self-worth, your weakness, and your failure. This devil will try to hold you from walking toward your goal. It is like a dark cloud full of negative thoughts that turns even darker every time you look up to find a hope. During our past life journey, I am terribly sorry that I was not great enough to ignite your motivation, was not good enough to encourage, to appreciate you. Sorry that I allowed you to hang your head down low. I was not all ears to listen to your problems. I did not stand up for you. But behind these dark clouds, there is a bright blue sky waiting to shine on you once you blow those clouds away. The same goes to these hardships; while you are looking for help to unlock this hardship, you also learn something: nobody can help you but yourself. Have you noticed that you have changed? You have. You have improved. I am glad that you did. You are able to drive to school, ask for information, call to make an appointment, etc., all by yourself. This change is beautiful. Keep it going throughout your life. I hope you are more confident to stand up and rise up to challenges. I hope you stop comparing your life to that of others. Tell yourself that your life is perfectly imperfect. At the end of the day, it is all about yourself. Always learn to love and appreciate yourself before you want to be accepted or loved by others. As I am writing this letter, your life isn’t fully figured out yet. You are not 100% sure of your direction, or what you are going to do long-term in life. The clock is running way too fast. Future is something that keeps you anxiously awake at night. So someday in the future, let’s say in 2 or 3 years, once you come back to read this letter, I hope you will feel happy that you have followed a path that you are proud of, which allows you to understand yourself better. Surprise me with what you have in store. And something to remember is that it is okay to not know what you want to do in life. You let go of fighting this, of trying to overcome this. You let go of being the failure who couldn’t pull it together, who couldn’t get the victory. You let go of holding God responsible for not “fixing” this. You let go of the doubt that this is all in your head—that you need to think harder or smarter to get over this. You let go of the friends who didn’t stay. You’ve lost much, but you’ve also gained. You learned to ask questions. You learned to be honest. You learned to tell someone you need help. You learned the importance of being present and the importance of listening. You learned about yourself—that who you are is OK. That all of the emotions and questions and fears, all of the stories and passions and dreams—all of these are yours to own. They are not simply symptoms of an illness. You are more than any illness. It does not own you. You’ve learned not to blame yourself for the things that aren’t you. The obsessive double-triple-quadruple checks. The irrational thought patterns. The tears that come and go without reason. The hollow days. The tired days. The shaky, sweaty days. The incessant moments of panic rising up out of nowhere, tackling you when you aren’t looking. You’ve learned that the rants and the downhill tumbles aren’t what define you. People who’ve left don’t define you, either. How you respond to their absence doesn’t define you. Hope defines you. Love defines you. You define you. You are not a hopeless case or a lost cause. You are standing up again, tending your wounds, moving forward. You are not a victim. You are a survivor, a warrior, a strong human being growing stronger every day. You are not in spite of your struggle; you are not because of your struggle. Struggle is only a place where you are refined, made stronger. You are becoming more clearly you every day. You don’t have to try so hard. The pain is not your fault. The pain is not a character flaw or a quick fix. You don’t have to blame yourself for it or pretend it’s not there. Feel it. It’s OK to feel. Feeling takes strength. It’s OK to be in pain. It’s OK to say you’re in pain. But always remember: You are not your pain. You are living with pain, but the pain is not everything. The pain is, but you are more. Don’t forget: You do not have to find your way out of this darkness alone. You do not have to hide in shame. After all, you are not fighting against yourself anymore. You can call to others to help you. Look at you: the strong one, the one who survived a hard year. But you didn’t just survive. You kept hoping in the dark places. You believed in your own worth even when you felt broken and alone. How do I know this? You are here. You didn’t give up. You kept moving forward. You were so brave to ask for help, so brave to face the pain and see yourself beyond it. You are so strong, friend. You have been all along. -Nadia Khan (16)