A letter from June 15th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's 2020 as i'm writing this. It's been a hard couple of years so i'm writing this in hopes that life will be better in 5 years time. I basically just want to reflect on the highs and lows of the past couple years so i can look back and be grateful when this reaches me again in the future :) The start of college would have been three years ago in September, so i guess i'll mostly be reflecting on my college life. Let's start off with the lows shall we, end on something positive:) A-levels are TOUGH!! And i know by the time this reaches you you'll (hopefully) have a full undergraduate AND postgraduate degree so, really, i probably have absolutely no clue what it means for work to be tough, but right now this is the most stressful thing in the world. It's hard because i'm still only 19 and i've known exactly what i wanted to do for such a long time but it feels as though i haven't had a chance to explore my opportunities. I'm aware that it's something i should be grateful for, but honestly now that i'm thinking about it, i probably don't know even half of the things that i could possibly do in the world because i always commit to things so hard (we love anxiety!). Right now the whole world is in quarantine so i haven't needed to worry about my exams which is a blessing, in fact i would have had my biology 3 exam the same day that i'm writing this, but i feel like i've been forced to give up any kind of control that i had - i have absolutely no say in my future, it is all down to what my teachers think i could have achieved. I don't have to do college work, the thing that was causing me the most stress, but now i'm even more stressed because i can't do any work!!! I can't win!!! I know my teachers think highly of me but i just can't help but think i'm going to fail. I need AB grades to get into the dream uni, so i really hope you can read this when you get it and smile because i did exactly that. Maybe my teachers believed in me so much that i even got higher, but i doubt it! Results day is in less than two months, maybe i should wait until then to write this but where is the fun in that? Let's just hope for future me in every sense ahaha. I hope we do as well as i would like to, we work so unbelievably hard so i would be surprised if we didn't, but i'm putting this out into the universe so let's hope it manifests itself! So much pressure is put on us to know what we want to do and to achieve it at such a young age it's not fair - Twinnie still doesn't know what he wants to do and he's 19!! I bet in 5 years time he still won't know what he wants to do - please tell me i'm right, i would really love to rub that in his face that i predicted that. On top of this, a lot of my 'best' friends have turned their backs on me these past couple of years. I hope the same hasn't happened for you while in uni, i intend to find life-long friends during my university adventures,so do not let me down! They were some of my closest friends too, just decided they didn't need me anymore. They used me for whatever purpose they needed me for and left. I won't name names, i'm very sure you know who they are even five years from now. I've come to realise that good friends are hard to find, as of right now i've only known pooky properly for about a year but i can honestly tell you that she is my best friend in the whole world and she will be my friend for life - oh the irony that will be here if that shows itself to be untrue. I don't have many friends right now but i feel very much okay with that. A while ago i would have been frantic about the fact i didn't have a big social standing but honestly the less people, the more peaceful it is. I'm completely done with drama, everyone is problematic in their own way so i just need to weed out the least problematic people lmao. I really hope you've managed to find some gems, the girls that i'm meant to share my uni flat with this year sound like absolute darlings so i hope they turned out to be as lovely as they seem, i think after the times we've been through we deserve some good ones! My heart is still a bit broken about the ex. I know he left over a year ago and i have someone new but he never gave me real closure and my heart still hurts a bit from that. We were together for two years, which i know in the grand scheme of things isn't that long, but i really thought that i was going to be with him for a while, you know? I don't know if you remember but he texted during quarantine to apologise and began acting as if nothing was ever wrong - as soon as he texted all those feelings came back. I should hate him but i can't!!! I know he only texted me because he has nothing better to do in quarantine but still - either way i've deleted the number again so i can't contact him first which, in my eyes, is a good step forward :). I think there's always going to be something there for him, and that's okay. I think i've accepted that now, and i know that because i look at his new girlfriend and don't hate her. In fact i look at her and think that she's absolutely beautiful and i'm glad that she's making him happy. I'm just glad he's happy. I know there's been growth because of that fact, but also because i can look at our polaroids and just smile about the good times we had instead of crying! I'm happy now, but we can talk about that in the highs of the past couple years :). One thing i haven't completely come to accept is the fact that he was emotionally abusive. I think i'm still in denial about that because i still defend him. In relation to this - I hope that you've been completely loyal to this one. The lows of the past couple years include those scandals. There were two, and honestly i am ashamed of them now and i hope that you're ashamed of them in five years time. I refuse to use the excuse that he was emotionally abusive anymore - there is no excuse for being unfaithful and i really really hope that you've grown from that because i know at 19 i have, i just hope it has stayed that way. My mental health has been on its ends the past couple of years to be honest - Lord i PRAY that you've got it a bit more stable in five years. I'm honestly going to go crazy if not. It's been a bit of a roller coaster in that sense: A couple of nervous breakdowns here and there, diagnosed with depression six months ago, dad keeps saying i'm a walking tic-tac bottle which is extremely frustrating BUT he asked about my medication in a non-condescending way, so i guess that's a step in the right direction. BUT i hope we are off some of that medication in five years - i'm hoping to be off some of it in a year so if we aren't in five i REALLY messed up! Honestly i think college just pushed me so far and made me feel so worthless, but quarantine is helping me to bring myself back together a little bit, expect I think i feel so out of control that i'm still spiraling overall - The good does NOT outweigh the bad! Let's just say my impulsive tendencies are at their highest right now! My perception of my weight isn't great right now - i weigh myself and workout everyday in hopes that i'll lose weight even though i'm almost underweight as i am. My best friend and boyfriend are extremely concerned about me and i'm concerned about myself but i don't know how to stop. I really am trying but i can't. I hope you're in a healthier head space now. My plan at university is to find time to create a healthy and consistent workout routine that i can follow and seek therapy on campus if i can. I really hope you can read this when you receive it and nod your head because we did that and we are much healthier for it. Honestly a girl can dream! There's not much i can say about the lows of my mental health because they're all the same. We know what they are and how we struggle with them, it's just something we're going to have to work on together; That is something that i'm confident we can do :) With Covid-19 basically ruining the world, it's taking a toll on absolutely everyone and that's evident right now: As of the day i'm writing this, we are in the middle of a world-wide pandemic, there are riots regarding racism and police brutality due to the tragic ****** of multiple innocent black individuals. Boris is also lifting lockdown far too early so there will definitely be another spike in those infected AND the Madeleine McCann case has been reopened!! The world is going crazy as mum would say. We aren't in the best place at the moment, we are clashing as i've been attending the protests protesting BLACK LIVES MATTER and she's taking the stance 'all lives matter'. SHUT UP BOOMER! She's doing a good thing right now though as a nurse during the pandemic so i can't slate her too much unfortunately ;) In addition to these things, last year Trump allowed for the criminalisation (is that a word?) of abortion in 11 states, and this year Boris is backing plans to prevent trans people from being able to legally determine their own gender. World War Three almost took place at the beginning of the year thanks to the USA (it's always Trump??) and North Korea. 2020 has been one hell of a year and we're only 6 months in. I honestly don't have much hope for coming years because of what a disaster this year has been and how it has absolutely destroyed the economy of nearly every country that has been affected by the Covid pandemic. I was meant to fly to New York in exactly a week today with the boyfriend, except our flights were cancelled because we can't leave the country. Oh and i **** well hope that Brexit is done in five years time, but honestly i doubt it will and i'm absolutely okay with that. I'm actually scared for the future, it'll be interesting to see how things look in five years time, if there was anything to be scared about. So those have been the main lows of the past couple of years. I know in the grand scheme of things these things aren't that bad and i'm super grateful for the life that i have, but right now they are lows. I think my biggest struggle is my mental health - This is what i'm writing this for, so i can look back on this in five years and think that i didn't have it as bad as i thought i did, that everything really is okay. NOW! We've discussed some of the bad things, let's reflect on the highs of the past couple of years shall we! let's squeeze them out! The first thing would have to be that i'm still alive. I don't know if you remember the attempt a few years ago, but i'm honestly surprised i haven't tried again. But i'm proud of myself for not trying. I've achieved so much that it would be a shame but a lot of the time i feel like i've got nothing to live for. My social media platforms show me that that's not true. My life is what i make of it - My studies were the source of all my stress, right? Now the stress will at least decrease a bit because i'm going to be studying what i have what i wanted to study my whole life, and with the decrease in stress i can finally focus on myself more! I can make myself who i want to be, and that's a huge plus in my books. I'll be near my boyfriend, studying my dream course at my dream university. It just seems surreal! This is where i take my life into my own hands! I've been seeing a lot of people with a main character complex recently and i've realised that i don't feel like a main character in my own life and this is the problem. I've let myself be walked over and treated so badly for my entire life, i'm taking it back! I am taking my life back. I can't right this very second because i'm self isolating (i'm going to see the boyfriend for the first time in 5 months on Friday for his birthday weekend so i'm very excited), but as soon as i can go outside i will be taking my own life back! Are you happier? Are you safe? Did i do something good in having this realisation? I don't just want this to benefit 19 year old me, but future me too. Don't get me wrong, i still want to die BIG TIME! BUT i'm going to make the effort to put myself into more positive situations, have a more positive mindset - I've started doing yoga! It's not much, but it's definitely a start while i'm trapped indoors :) I'm proud of how far i've come since my first attempt, i've not hurt myself at all since doing it, i mean i have had a few mental breakdowns but this is better than hurting myself further in order to relieve my mental pain. I've achieved a lot academically over the past two years. I completed my first a level in despite missing nearly the whole first year due to Glandular Fever, remember that? Ugh. I completed it! And i came out with an A! Top of my class! I know you know this but it was a huge achievement for me, i was, and still am, really proud of myself :) I completed two summer schools which helped me get into the dream uni, go us! I also completed a degree level (apparently) EPQ, i don't know how i did on it though so let's hope i didn't get a bit too big for my boots with the question i researched ahahah. I made an adorable little friend tutoring an AS student, and made an amazingly clever friend through my own tutor! Do you still talk to her? Did you end up helping her with that paper she asked me to help her with? By now i would have almost finished my A-level exams, my last exam, Ancient Rome, would have been tomorrow and i'm not really sure how to feel. I'm occupying myself by learning Latin ready for university, did you carry on doing that? Can you fluently translate Latin now? That would be so cool. I don't give myself enough credit for my academic achievements, i am clever and i do deserve everything that i achieve, i just doubt myself far too much. I hope you believe in yourself more than i believe in myself now, WE ARE CLEVER! We work so hard and i'm so proud of us, wherever you are in five years! Did you stick to our original plan? Or did you go in a different direction? I'm excited to find out what the future holds for us:) I hope my future holds my current boyfriend. Are you still with the ginger? He's so wonderful. I wonder if our move to university helped our relationship to become even stronger? Or did you annoy him so much that he left and i'm bringing up some baggage that you don't want to think about? I love him so much. He brings me so much joy and i hope he is still bringing you as much joy:) Do you still annoy him about marriage? I darn hope so, i'm doing it only a year in so i hope you're still doing it six years in!! I feel so lucky to have him honestly, he helps me in so many ways he could never even imagine. I hope he's better at talking to you about stuff now, does he still say there's nothing wrong when there clearly is? Punch him for me if he does because that's SO ANNOYING! Ahahah no, he's a pain in the ***, but i love him. I hope you still love him as much as i love him now and he makes you as happy as he makes me - i know i said that already but really i hope he does. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I hope we manage to do our little plan with the flat in my second year of university and eventually the dogs and all that, it's such a perfect little life we want and i know that isn't necessarily realistic but any life with him will be perfect. I'm so sorry if he broke your heart or something and i've brought up some deep pain, but right now i'm so happy with him and it counts as one of the highs of the past couple of years. He's helped me travel so much - we went to Budapest last summer which was so dreamy, my favourite memory of him and i is still when we sat under the wheel in the park chatting **** until gone midnight drinking vodka and lemonade out of a lemonade bottle! We went to Krakow over New Year, we were meant to go to New York in a week, we have plans to go to Brugge and Berlin over Christmas, it's just wonderful. He brings me so much joy i can't even explain. He encourages me to be my best self and i couldn't ask for anyone better. I hope you two are still as in love as we are now in 2020, and that you've travelled PLENTY! Did you end up going to South Korea or Canada for a semester?! I need to know! I have plans to meet some of my BEST internet friends once this quarantine is fully lifted, too! My anxiety begs to differ, but it'll be nice to finally have some new/old faces around ahaha. Are you still friends with them? Alex? Fynn? Anyone?! I hope that you're putting yourself out there more, remember: You're taking your life back! Some positive things that have happened in the world in 2020 the balance out the negatives i wrote about! The oldest fossil of a modern bird was discovered, it pre-dated dinosaurs! How cool! They called it the 'wonder chicken' haha. In March, the second person EVER was completely cured of HIV in London thanks to a stem cell treatment! Amazing! The entire world came together to fight issues such as the Australian wildfires at the beginning of the year, racism, police brutality and much more. Britain stopped using coal plants to generate power which is a huge win for the environment. Due to Covid-19, the canals in Venice completely cleared themselves up and dolphins began returning, as well as in Thailand where rare turtles began laying eggs on the tourist free beach. Most importantly, there wasn't a WW3 thank GOD. Honorary mentions! in 2019 Harry Styles released the MASTERPIECE that is his album Fine Line AND Troye Sivan has started releasing new music again so hopefully we can expect a new album from him at least by the time you receive this! Also - Animal Crossing: New Horizons was released, and i can't stop playing it :) Life over the past couple years may have been more negative than positive, but this is where that changes. 2020 stands as a reset i've decided - Once you hit rock bottom, you can only go upwards. The entire world has hit rock bottom in 2020 - Trump had to hide in a bunker and Kim Jong-un had to fake his own ***** for christs sake. I'm just a small girl trying to find her way in the world, hopefully by the time you're reading this we would have figured everything out together. Hopefully we will be safe and well, doing everything we have ever wanted to do. I hope to see you on the other side. We got this:)