A letter from June 15th, 2020

Dear Anna, Happy Belated Birthday. I chose this day so that you could reflect, but also celebrate. I'm happy you've made it this far to read this letter. 2025, your favorite number was always 25, with no apparent reason what so ever. Did you still keep all the habits you had when you were me? Do you still bite the insides of your lip until it's raw and bloody when you're stressed? (gross, I know) Do you still twirl your hair unconsciously when you're tired because it's what you've done since you were little? Do you still feel the need to wash your hands at every given moment in time no matter how little the situation? As much as I hate every one of these, to some extent, they all bring me comfort. I think you're going into your junior year of college. Did you even make it to college? Or were my efforts not enough, as I kept telling myself deep down? It's late as I'm writing this. 12:23 AM. I have to go to work tomorrow at South East and I really don't want to. I think I'll handwrite myself a letter, but right now all I want to do is lay it all out and look things over. Did you ever fall in love? Have you ever had your first kiss? Was it everything you hoped it would be? Or do you still feel as empty as I do right now? I hope I fall in love, even if it does end in heartbreak. It's okay. I just want for a short amount of time, to feel loved. I want to feel more love than I feel myself giving out. I want to feel needed in someone's life, and I want to experience having something to look forward to. Please tell me that the relationships you're in aren't one-sided. It would make me happy to hear that someone texts you first. That someone calls you at random because they miss you. That someone tells you they love you, without you always saying it first. I want to experience the rush of a new feeling, a new emotion for the first time. I just want something new. Are you happy? Do you wake up with a reason to get out of bed in the morning? Do you feel good about yourself? I feel like such a burden to those around me. I feel as if my love is annoying, fragile, and useless. I talk while everyone else swipes on their phone, I text and wait days for a reply, and I've gotten used to seeing people not pick up any of my calls. Tell me, do you feel more loved than this? Do you feel happier than this? Because as much as I tell myself I'm fine, I can't bring myself to be happy. I can't bring myself to find a reason to get out of bed. I can't find a reason to look forward to the future. I can't find a reason to plan out a future when all I see for myself is black. I'm unhappy with myself physically and mentally. I hate seeing my face in the mirror, with all my acne and pimples. Please tell me it goes away soon. I hate seeing my stomach in the mirror, always looking bigger and bigger as the days go on. Tell me you exercise, tell me you got into shape. TELL ME THAT I'M STILL LIVING. Tell me that you're breathing, living, dreaming, and feeling. Tell me that I'm living to see another day. Tell me that I'm living because I genuinely want to be here. Tell me that I'm living because I feel important enough that I don't ever want to let go. I don't want you to say you're only here because you have to be. I don't want to hear that you stayed because you're still holding onto the hope that maybe someone will come around. I don't want to hear that you stayed because you were too cowardly to go. Please. Just tell me I stayed because I felt like I was more than nothing. Just tell me I stayed because I finally saw the beauty in life without needing to squint anymore. Just tell me I stayed because I realized that I no longer needed to overthink things in order to make them sound better in my head. Please still be here. Please still be you. Please don't let go just because it gets too hard. Please don't give up yet. Please know that we're going to love ourselves one day. As much as I can right now. I love you. I could really use a hug right now. From, Anna June 15th, 12:49 AM