A letter from June 14th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hey, i don’t even know if i’ll still be alive when i receive this. it’ll mark 6 years since i first tried to take my own life, do you remember? how it felt throwing up your own stomach lining? how it felt listening to the doctor tell you “You seriously might die” and sitting their numb? how it felt having everyone in the family realise what you had spiralled into? how is it now? what’s happened since? is grandma still alive? currently i feel awful, i am quick to get angry at her and i know one day she isn’t going to be here anymore. I preach “live everyday like it’s your last” but i’ve gone down a dark road. Currently i’ve taken a liking to drugs; weed, ketamine, cocaine, MDMA you name it, i like it. I’m about to start a relationship with Hue Drinkwater, how’d that turn out 5 years down the line? did you get into dance college?? what knew friends have you made? don’t forget about Amy and Millie and Emilie. What are they all doing?? What did you do after dance college if you went? is doggy May still alive?? how’s your mental health? still self harming? still having extreme emotions still feel suicidal? every birthday do you still wish for happiness? please tell me i’ve made it out of this dark dark hole, please tell me i’ve grown strong. Please tell me i’m still alive. Are you still on quetiapine? are you still skateboarding? did you graduate college with 3 A’s like you wanted to?? tell me it all? Who am i with? what’s my financial situation? are you still working 2 jobs to fund your impulsive lifestyle? did you ever bleach your hair even tho grandma told you not too? are you still close with auntie nicky and uncle stuart? do you still talk to miss tesh? did grandma ever find out about all the sneaky behaviour you did as a teenager? how was your first night out? i hope no ones harassed you? am i finally happy with how i look? am i confident? do i finally love myself? do i appreciate everything i’ve been through or is that hole in my heart still burning with rage? I hope i’ve changed for the better? i hope i’ll be alive to read this