A letter from June 13th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, First of all congratulations and happy birthday!! If your reading this your not dead and your 20! Right now im 14 and its saturday the 13th of june 2020. You might remember this year as the year of tragedy and disaster. So all around mostly a **** year. Im writing this letter mainly because im bored and stuck in quarantine and i need an outlet for all my emotions and who better to rant to than my future self, but also because i hope that someday i read this again in the future. Since the corona virus was discovered in china the whole world has kind of shut down. People are dying and im scared, and it honostly sometimes feels like the end of the world sometimes. Were all inside in quarantine and have been for at least 3 months at this point and i have no idea when itll be over. Iv mostly been spending time on netflix, youtube and tiktok, and sending memes on the groupchat. My favourite film and one that im kind of obssesd with is Titanic, I have a huge crush on young leo but can you blame me hes gorgeous. Me mum and D have been watching the marvel series of movies and weve been really enjoying them, but engame made me sob for weeks. You might remember that you might not. Anyway in the future i hope you can remember what i felt at this time which is mostly boredom, depression, sadness and the feeling that the whole world is against me. Anyway corona ruined all of my plans for the summer which i wanted to plan with my friends B, R and F. I hope in the future were still friends. But sometimes i really feel like they dont even like me but have no on else to be friends with, but maybe thats just my insecurities talking. I just want to go surfing and live near a beach so i could go to the beach and swim every day. I honestly want to move to america so badly the schools and country just looks so much better than england and i could finally live out my fantasies. In the future you might feel different. My dog bonnie is the only one really here for me during this time. Dad is mostly ill and with D, F loves arguing and yelling at me and mum is at work and M is at uni. But i love them i just miss how it used to be when i was a child and i could climb into bed and cuddle with them, i miss when i wasnt afraid to show emotion in front of them and back when i had no troubles. I sometimes feel like a stranger in my own home and just prefer to stay in my room. When i was at school this year was alright i like my friend group but they all have their seperate friends. The popular kids are annoying and arrogant as usual, but after spending so much time by self in quarantine im starting to miss even them. Sometimes i feel like im missing out on all my teenage years and not doing anything exiting and reckless. I just feel sad and tired all the time, which is basically saying im depressed. Anyway im scared to do my gcses because i feel that im not smart enough to pass no matter how hard i try. School hasnt been that hard when i was able to attend, but i never do well in exams, its a gift i hope i dont carry into the future with me. Anyway i hope when you get this i have passed my gcses and done as good as i could have. I hope i get into whatever college and uni i decide i want to go too because right now i have absolutely no idea, but thats expected. Right now i kind of wanna be an actor but i dont think im any good, like at all. It would be such a dream to be an actor and famous and rich. I have no idea how to start or what to do but hopefully ill figure it out as i go along. I havent decided if i want to go to a seperate college or go to ndhs six form, well see if i even get in. I always feel like im not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, sad enough, numb enough, emotional enough, popular enough, funny enough. I hate my weight i feel like my body is just disfigured and ugly. Now the trends are to be thick and curvey im so skinny im like a stick, people probably think i have anorexia or an eating disorder (which i dont that i know of) I feel like iv been putting on a little weight recently due to the protein powder that iv been taking so thats good, but well see how long that lasts. Iv even tried working out because i want that perfect body like everyone else. I hattttteeee my nose. HATE. I desperatly hope that in the future i can either get a nose job or learn to love it. I hope i learn to love my body and myself in general. Iv never had boys who really like me because im not pretty or cool or popular enough for them. In primary i did and i think about that time a lot. I know that this is me that im writing this too and iv lived through it but im just reminding myself because iv probably forgoten. Back when i was happy and thriving. I know i know its bad to base my happiness off of the effections and attention of boys but i cant help it im a romantic and i want a boyfriend that i can laugh with, cry with and enjoy their company so much i never want to leave them. I want someone who will love me for all my flaws and insecurities even the ones i hate about myself. Thats what love is. And i hope in the future you have found that love or at least had a taste of it because right now im feeling incredibly lonely and insecure. I hope im truly happy in the future because i really feel like i deserve it. I feel like now adays the only thing that brings me joy is dancing around by myself listening to music but i dont want to do that by myself anymore. I want to be happy and do that with a friend or a boyfriend. Right now im definitely sure im straight but i never do know what will happen in the future but right now i feel pretty secure with my *********. And honestly that and the roof over my head are the only secure things in my life at the moment. Me and my friends B and R really want to go to america for a road trip after highschool and exams, we wanna hire a van and dive around all the states and have fun and just enjoy either summer or a gap year, depending on what we decide and i really hope that that has happened. So yeah future me better get my license as early as possible. Right now i really want to at some point in my life travel the world. It has always fascinated me and i want to experience everything i can. Maybe you will have done it by the time your reading this, maybe not. Just make sure you someday do!!! Sometimes i just sit and cry in my bed because i just feel like it. You might remember all of this you might not. Probably not youll be busy with whatever your doing now. Never forget to hug your friends and family and be happy that theyre still here, if corona and lockdown has taught me anything its that first off online school and not being able to go outside and see people SUCKS, and secondly that family and life is precious and you never know what will happen. So please please please make sure that when you read this again in six years you can look back on those years (not this year obviously) with happiness and that you lived your life and teenage years how you know that you wanted to live it. Go be happy and live the life that i cant right now. Go find yourself and your passions if you havent already because right now im pretty clueless. It really feels like im writing a letter to not my future self but to a different person. Maybe i will be a completely different person reading this. Maybe ill not worry about the same things im worrying about now. Maybe ill laugh that any of this every worried me. Or maybe ill be the same scared, clueless about life, stressed, mostly sad child that i am while writing this. I hope reading this brings you some sort joy and even maybe sad. Im crying right now writing this because putting all of my emotions and hopes that iv been feeling down on paper feels like such a relief but also very sad now that i think about it. I really hope that in six years you will open your emails and read this and remind yourself of what you deserve and want in life, even though i probably wont because even now i never ready my emails. Even tho sometimes it doesnt feel like it i know that im loved and i know that my parents do so much for me and im so greatfull even if i didnt always show it. YOUR ARE LOVED AND DESERVE SO MUCH IN LIFE PLEASE GO OUT AND GIVE YOURSELF THE LIFE YOU DESERVE. GO CHASE THOSE CRAZY DREAMS THAT HAVE BEEN FLOATING AROUND IN MY CRAZY BRAIN SINCE I WAS A CHILD. never forget that and never give up. Happy birthday again, enjoy being 20 and good luck with the rest of your life. Make me proud. Love, Your past self.