1am june 2 it’s corona time

Dear FutureMe, okay well i should be asleep bc it’s 1 & i have to wake up at like 8 to go for a driver’s lesson. prob not the best idea to drive on limited sleep. dear god i hope i get my license soon but honestly i think im going to fail the road test. & papa wants me to take it w the school so it’ll cost like 150 per take there’s no way i’m failing that ho. but okay i like writing letters to the future & i’ve been in a weird mood today & i just picked 5 yrs bc it was a preset option so hello, future me! how r u? congrats on graduating high school & probs college. i think im c/o 25 for college haha weird. hopefully you didn’t take the full 4 yrs but if you did i honestly don’t care so it’s ok. okay so like yesterday yani came by w home baked goods & like a cute lil bag and note as a corona time gift &&& today ms small got me flowers to congratulate me on winning student body president. ain’t that crazy! like people are out here caring about me. das so weird. especially the second one like the fact that ms small went out of her way to spend her own money and order me flowers is insane! i don’t deserve that!!! no way!!!! and like i’m not even a good person, i’m selfish and i isolate myself when i feel like it like why did she get me flowers. you get flowers for people that improve your life and i just like, don’t think i IMPROVE anyone’s life. if you can’t tell i’m just really tired of myself today. and like i get so much love from my family too like they always call and congratulate me on stuff and like i don’t even do anything. people act like i’m this great leader and person and like i’m not!!! i don’t do anything with myself unless i have to and quarantine has PROVED how lazy i am! and i just don’t understand how people don’t see through me. the whole “committed student” thing is just an ACT it all literally makes me miserable. how the hell did i win student body president?? people say i’m a good leader but oh my GOD i don’t see it. i don’t understand it at all. and now i gotta do this job and like i’m eventually gonna **** up and everyone’s gonna be stuck w me. it’s unfortunate, really. we had a virtual meeting like a week ago and it went well but like i don’t know i feel like i have huge shoes to fill and people are gonna expect me to be just like my predecessors (who were literally gods) and i’m not!! i mean im 17 & still not driving, still haven’t a kiss or boyfriend, still don’t have a handle on life. how can anyone look at that person and be like “wow! accomplished person”. and i’m just mad bc i can’t do anything about it. i just have to keep telling myself i’m doing good otherwise i’ll know i’m doing a bad job and again, i’m stuck. i can’t just quit now. and like i love stuco but like i’m in over my head here! whatever we probably won’t go back to school anyway with corona hanging around. i haven’t been spending my time the last two weeks, actually no months, doing anything remotely productive and i’m so angry at myself for it. also oh my god college apps r coming and I LITRALLY DONT GIVE A **** abt what college i go to bc the idea of me going to college is unrealistic!!! like i do not think it’s going to happen. i just like cannot imagine a life after high school and i think that’s bc i’m just not going to have one. i’ve been thinking about that a lot too. i think in middle school i didn’t think me getting this far was realistic and only recently the thought of graduating seemed likely to happen. i seriously can’t wait to graduate i’m obsessed with the idea of it. i should throw a grad party! but yeah like i really don’t care about what college i go to bc i just like can’t comprehend the fact that i’m gonna go to college. i hate the fact that i’m gonna be responsible for the next four years of my life in like 6 month. i wish you could just email back rq and tell me what to do. you know this site lets u email other people if you give it $10? i’ve considered paying & emailing... well i don’t think i want to say his name but i feel like you know who i mean... a confession? i guess? honestly he’s been my like best friend since like high school pretty much and even more so this last year so i still cannot fully understand and categorize my feelings for him. i think bc of quarantine and him being like the only guy i text, i’ve been feeling like this more. i wish i knew what being in love felt like and i don’t reallg know if this is it. it’s not like normal crushes where i think about it all the time but like. the feelings there. it’s just not so prominent, more like a soft thing in the background. that’s why i also think i don’t have anything for him and it’s just my doubts and longing for a crush. but like i’ve had these doubts since the kemah trip freshman year. these thoughts aren’t there until they’re there you know? well i mean yeah of course you know. but like it’s just moments where i’m like “oh shoot he has my heart” but the rest of the time it’s just like me talking to my friend. i really dont know what to make of this but i DO know that i really really want a boyfriend & the experiences that come with one. on top of the pandemic, there’s been black lives matter protests happening over the ****** of george floyd. it’s truly awful, this cop like kneeled on floyds neck and choked him to *****. this is america!! i hope things r better in ur time, that black lives matter isn’t a thing anymore bc it doesn’t need to be, bc police brutality has been addressed. i also hope im hot in 5 years LOL SORRY i prob look the exact same but like **** i just want itty bitty waist and honka donka cake. to wear a bikini and feel good bout myself. hey one good thing bout rona is she cancelled our potential school trip to a waterpark so i wouldn’t have had to wear a swimsuit in front of everyone! god can you imagine. i need a new swim suit it’s literally been ages. but yeah honestly i can’t see myself grown up, like where you are. 22! i mean you can drink! you probably don’t get scared driving and have your life together in order more. but i just do not think you exist. i think i probs make it to like 19 tops but i just can’t see life for me after. not in like the suicide way, although if life got bad enough it is def a possibility. do people live bc they enjoy life or bc if they commit suicide they’ll pain others? like are we living because our parents birthed us and now we’re forcdd to live? like i never signed up for this. why couldn’t i have a happier, prettier persons life? i can’t **** my self bc if i do, i’ll make my family sad & saahu will grow up without me & i’ll leave stuco w/o a president. ugh i wish i didn’t have these ties, then i could just graduate and my work is done. ok it’s like 1:30 now so ima head to zzzz i hope this didn’t depress you i rly didn’t mean to i just needed to vent and i figured instead of a dairy (also bc i want to be in the dark and i write slow) i might as well send this to the future so future me can see how far she’s made it! if she’s still a sad ***** at least she made it this far! that’s what matters. but i swear i’m not depressed don’t worry. i’ll write you again in a bit, maybe if i pay the $10 to this thing i can use it as a dairy haha... actually i prob won’t write you. but you know, you should write yourself for later. anyways don’t be sad by this letter, be happy that i thought of you! i love u girl. except i don’t know if i do.