A letter from May 29th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey it’s me I hope your doing well. I hope your happy. I keep thinking about the future and I keep thinking about what could happen. I wonder if your still alive. I don’t have any thoughts on if you are or not if you are I hope your happy I truly do; if you aren’t and this letter stumbles upon someone else hello, it’s me Nelyssa and I’m 15 this is the year 2020. By the time you read this you’ll be idk maybe 22 wow that’s young your a newly adult. This letter will be nothing but me talking about myself and my life according to now. I hate myself I want to **** myself every single day I don’t think there’s anything stopping me anymore. I hate my life I have no friends everyone is fake and everyone hates me. I keep thinking it’ll get better when I’m out of highschool but I’m scared what if it doesn’t. I’m truly scared will I ever stop self harming. I know it’s bad and that I need to stop but I don’t want to. I can’t even express myself without being seen as emo or weird. I’m scared I wish you could just tell me it’ll get better but you can’t because your my future self. I wonder how your doing are you in any relationship. You probably don’t remember but this is my sophomore year and the main people I liked is basically Brandon, Carlos, as well as my newly crush Johnathon. Let’s talk about them. I miss Brandon we had so much chemistry I wish I could’ve told him I liked him. I remember we used to stare at eachother till we left eachothers sight. God I hope he’s doing well I miss him so incredibly much I wanna talk to him but I never will. I hope nothing but the best for him even if that means he’ll end up being with Cassie. I miss Carlos I miss his hugs I felt so safe in his arms. I wish I at least got one last hug. He gave me a candy and i said aww thank you and he hugged me I will never forget the way he made me feel I will love him for infinity. I miss him so much when he stayed after school and gave me that hug when he stared at my stomach when my shirt lifted I won’t forget him. (Listen to moonlight shawty and star shopping right now I’m listening to them and you should too) I won’t forget his face when I saw him with another girl. I won’t forget how guilty he looked. I hope I could’ve just hugged him one last time. How’s eden by the way I hope you still have him have you put anything new in his stuffing or taken anything out. I wanna tell you something but don’t ever tell eden when he’s done his job with you. When he’s gone and your ready to let go of him I want you to open him back up and relive the memories we tried to bury away. I want you to keep them I want you to undo the string around his mouth and let him go free. You can keep him or bury him but I want you to set him free. Please just do that. You can’t hold on to him forever. (Night we met) now can you. Are you in a relationship is it the kind of relationship I wanted where he’s mentally unstable and carves his name into your arm or your thigh do you guys burn down churches together does he scare you. Or is he nice like the kind of guy you always hoped to find but is too scared to look for him(lookalike) do you explain your problems to him while crying while he hugs and comforts you. Does he look at you the way you always wished someone did. I wish you the best I hope you find the one and I hope he or she makes you happy no matter what kind of guy or girl you get. Are you living with Melanie and Amanda how’s it going. How’s New York is Amanda still a stupid dumb lesbian like she’s always been. Check up on her you know she isn’t always feeling the best sometimes she needs a little gratitude from other people to remind her that she’s worthy. How’s Melanie is she doing ok. Is she stressing about school or about paying bills she was always the worrier take the time off her take her out to get her nails done or take her to get snacks and have a movie night like we said we all would. I have no idea how your doing I have no idea if reading this will sadden or disappoint you. How’s the mental. Are you still sad are you still taking your meds or did you actually flush them and decide to get worse and worse until you end it. Are you happy are you truly happy or are you putting on a fake smile like you always did. Are you expressing yourself like you always wanted to. Please take care of yourself. I know what you may be thinking I didn’t talk about Johnathon and I’m not going to anymore he’s not one important yet. He’s leaving and I need to be happy by myself for the time being. I’m trying I really am. Please get better. As much as I want to **** my self and die young please just stay alive right now. People need you. (Walk away as the door slams) - sincerely with all my love Nelyssa Rodriguez the 15 year old sophomore who is mentally unstable hoping fir things to turn out I love you even if no one else does