A letter from May 26th, 2020

dear future me, wow. there is so much i want to write. it is 12:40 on tuesday may 26th, 2020. we are in the midst of the 2020 quarantine and as you already know (or may have forgotten) it has been a very stressful time. by the time you get this letter you will be done with college (crazy to think about when i am writing this just after finishing my freshman year of college). hopefully God has placed a wonderful man in your life by now, but if not, be patient! He has a plan. speaking of God, i hope that your relationship with Him is stronger than ever! also, i am setting this for you 25th birthday. i know how much we don't like our birthdays, but hopefully this letter will make your day better :). okay, so you might be wondering what was going on at the time i send this letter? well, lots! it is the year 2020 and even though it is only may, it has been a wild ride! there is a "new" virus riddling the entire world called the coronavirus, which i am sure you remember! there are also these ****** hornets that have been added to the craziness. what else? oh, donald trump is still president, so that's.... that. at the time i am writing this you try to steer clear of politics. you probably remember why, but in case you don't you used to think that getting stressed out and overwhelmed by something you have such a little impact on was silly, so you tried to avoid politics. that's not to say you aren't informed, you just don't want to be involved. speaking of being involved, this is your first year you can vote, but i don't think we will. and i know that it is your responsibility as a citizen, but i think sitting this election out will be more beneficial to you. plus your voter registration card is messed up and you don't know when you can fix it so that doesn't help either. alright, so that was what was going on in the real world, but what was going on in your/my world? well, i'm glad you asked ;). you just finished your freshman year of college and it was, well, wonderful. high school and college are so different and thank God for that. college has been your place. you feel more at home when you are at college. hopefully you still have the same friends in your life that you met in your campus ministry chi alpha and in your sorority sigma phi lambda. they are some really good people! you and your sister are as close as ever. she is in a relationship, you are not, so that has been a little tricky to navigate, but you are trusting in God. hopefully, by the time you receive this, you are in a relationship :). and if not, i hope that you have found all the wonderful joy God has to offer! what else? hmmmm, well at this time you are still having a lot of difficulties with your mental health. your anxiety isn't as bad, but your depression is at an all time high. you are on medicine again, but you and i both know how that goes. when the fall comes around and after you fly to texas for officer retreat (oh yeah, just thought i would drop that in ;)) and after this coronavirus craziness is over, you are going to start seeing a therapist again, which will be good! you still struggle with restrictive eating as well and intrusive thoughts, but hopefully all is better now. so, hopefully mama is still alive. right now in her health journey, she is still super exhausted all the time and working her tail off. you still help her with her medicine buckets on sundays when you are home, but when you leave for college you can't help her like you did before, which is one reason why she keeps getting so sick. you and your sister aren't home to give her her b12 shots. she still throws up a lot, it is almost like she is taking chemo treatments that make her sick, but she doesn't have cancer and isn't taking chemo. she keeps cancelling her doctors appointments because she is too tired to go, but she needs to go. but she is your best friend so you let her do what she wants, i mean she isn't even 40 years old yet so she better be around for a while. hopefully. if she isn't around anymore, she isn't in pain anymore and she is with God and so so so happy. let's talk about your sister. well, she has been dating this guy for a couple of weeks now and she just spent the whole weekend at his place, which is fine because she is 20 and is an adult. but as a result she is in the midst of a pregnancy scare right now, and at this moment we don't know if the plan b is working. she still wants to be an trauma doctor which i think she can do, but if she has a baby that will slow everything down. but she is also your best friend and you really want to be an aunt so you would be happy if she had a baby right now. also, this new guy she is dating really seems to be a good one and you are hoping that they are end game. but you also don't want to get your hopes up. while she was at her boyfriends, you were at your great grandma's having one of the greatest sleepovers of the twenty-first century! ugh, i just love nana great so much and spending the weekend with her was amazing! you watched dr. phil, took her to town, went on a walk with her, and just talked. it was lovely. and as you already know, she is also another best friend of yours. she may be 85, but she is still one of your closest friends. hopefully nana is still alive when you receive this letter, but if not that's okay. you know full well she is vibin' with Jesus and holding your spot just like mama. speaking of which, mama talked to you a couple days ago because you both went to papa's grave (july will be a year that he has been gone) and she told you that she isn't going to be around much longer and that she doesn't want you to be sad, so hopefully you aren't sad anymore if she is gone. and if she isn't, text her right now that you love her so much! i wonder where you are teaching, i wonder if you are married, i wonder if you still write poetry, i wonder if you still have the same friends, i wonder if you are still wanting to be a math professor, i wonder how your relationship is with dad, i wonder if you are still medicated, i wonder if you still love God (you better -_-). i wonder so many things about you and i pray that God still has the greatest presence in your life. i could write pages and pages, but i am sure you are busy, we always are, just make sure to make time for prayer and worship and God. i love you and that is weird to say because at this moment i don't even feel that i love myself, but hopefully you do. anyways, just remember Jesus loves you more :)))