A letter from May 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I hope you forgot about sending this, what a lovely surprise it'll be! So slap on some nostalgic music (Snail Mail, Mitski, Julien Baker have been doing it) and prepare to read a letter from your 4:16 am past self. (Since it is the last five years, perhaps The Next Ten Minutes might do well) Funnily enough, I found out about doing this from Tik Tok (remember the app? I hope the world still has access to information and privacy in the future, eyes on you China). Currently, I'm living out history in the middle of the Coronavirus crisis. And...quarantine sucks. Recently, like today, I kind of had my first real heartbreak so I've been listening to a lot of Mitski and feeling kind of like ****. Remember Ben? I wonder if you still talk to him. Anyways how are things with you? Are you working on dismantling capitalism? I'm only half kidding. How about global warming? You still scared to talk to people? Feel burdened and pressured to stay stable all the time? I know things will always be up and down, and you'll probably still have no idea who you are or what you want to do in the future, but I hope my working hard in school will land a good *throws up* accounting job or something. Something that'll make life comfortable. That kind of goes back to why I wanted to write this letter anyways. I don't know what life I want to live. I just know that life is short. I don't want a static life, but it seems inevitable and that...that makes me so unhappy. I know it's childish and immature to reject the soul-draining 9-5, but my heart just calls somewhere so much further and more beautiful. There are times I'm terrified how quickly life could be snatched away from me and the people I love. But just as quickly, I'm soothed by the power to stay present and enjoy something as simple as mom and dad planting the first seed in dad's hand made garden, which happened today. It made me smile. Speaking of mom and dad. I hope you're still on good terms with your family. Travis and Tricia, too, who you know deserve more care from you, they love you so, so much. I hope you'll be out to everyone by then because you'll be OH **** 24. You better have grown up somewhat during that time. You should be graduated by now AND have a job, young man. (But hey, even if you don't, still love yourself, you and me both kind of need that love). I hope you're still working hard. I know how tough it is to get things done and not be constantly disappointed by the world. It's grueling. So far my life has only come up with a couple of conclusions: 1. Life is always about balance. Finding that balance between work and play, truth and kindness, etc. is really important to living a stable and happy life 2. It's sort of related to balance, but once you start putting people and things into binaries, there are always exceptions. It started as more of me understanding the experiences of marginalized communities, but I don't know it seems more and more prevalent each day. Life is complex, multilayered, and nuanced in the most beautiful and ANNOYING way possible. You can probably just read my bullet journal around this time (I hope you're keeping up), but I'll give a few highlights as of late. Like I said, Coronavirus is ravaging through America. It chopped up spring semester in half which sucked a lot. Obviously it sucked more for Tricia and Travis because they were graduating and I feel bad, but we're here to talk about ~me~. (It's gonna be cringe regardless, just let it happen). Things were honestly about to take off: I had a solid group of friends from my learning community (dorm room 418 baby!), I redeemed myself from the fall semester and made it into acapella, and my classes were going well... But now we're pandemic mode. I feel a little bit regressed. I reread the first Percy Jackson series (it's really really good). I've only really talked to "Litty *****" (Alina and Pooja) and the Thottie Three (Ben and LK). But...everyone's been getting all relationship-y and/or dropping off the face of the earth and I just kinda wanna curl up into a ball and spin time forward. But that way of thinking sucks! I'm trying to use music as a way to cope and propel me forward in a meaningful way, buuut it's hard. With Greek mythos by my side, I've been dabbling in composing and I've been playing a lot of ukulele. Now for you, here are some things I want to know about future me. I guess these are my priorities as of 2020. What's been going on the past five years? (With some caveats) 1. Did you fulfill your half-jokey dream of getting hot? (Get hot 2020 hopefully lasts a while, being skinnier has its benefits) Does changing your clothes, the way you look, the way you act and interact with others make you like yourself any more or less? I hope you've thought about these things between now and when you get this because it's something I'm kinda struggling with. Like, I kind of realized, for the first time, that I'm pretty insecure and my self-esteem is kind of low my first semester at college. I hope you're working on your confidence and that self-love because dammit! you deserve it. 2. Did you fall in love with someone who loved you back? I'd say I'm currently a love skeptic. But the fact that today I realized my feelings were legitimate made me realize that I at least am capable of forming the stupid love connection (which defies any reasoning), but also makes me warier to the thought of love. I hope you watched those rom-coms, met new people, fell for the ones that made your heart race and glow on the inside, but I hope you were careful. Well, you're an overthinker, so you will be careful. Love is weird, but I hope you've had pleasant experiences with it, even though hurt feels inevitable. (Do you have a boyfriend?!? Was it worth it?) 3 Have you expanded your horizons? Met new people? Went and did? Said yes to adventure? I know this generation is full of slackers (you included), but please, please, just get out there and do. I hope you found the things which make your heartache in the best way. Created that movie I'm fantasizing about. You know, the indie teen coming-of-age ****? Yeah, even if you haven't yet, you can still have that. Rent that **** trailer and hop in with the people that matter most in your life and slam on that gas pedal. Watch those concerts, kiss that boy, ride that Ferris wheel, stargaze, make those meaningful connections with people. You can do it! Or have done it! I'm getting excited typing it. But I really want that for me. 4. Finally, have you been working to overcome fear? This could be lumped with expanded horizons, but I have more specific issues to talk about, which might be helped by a therapist, which I hope you're working towards affording. Things like my irrational fear of authority, avoiding men out of fear I'm making them uncomfortable - these things helped me survive as a kid, but how do they help now? I hope you've talked it out, and are working on it It's weird writing to someone who is me, or will be me, and I will never know, but become? I'm also writing this in a way that I hope to not offend you. I only do this because I know that these are kind of the 12 labors for you (and me) - the impossible tasks which are lifelong projects that will continue well past the 5-year mark. So cut yourself some slack if you haven't done it all yet. Just make sure you've been making improvements. It's getting late. I hope you can wake up to this message and that it fills you with joy rather than shame. If it fills you with shame, know that I love you and believe in you. Somehow, even in the present moment of me writing this, I believe in the person I will become. You have the strength to start over and to try, and try, and try, and try again. Shame just means that the dreamer in me right now is still in you. I hope you look back on this letter and see how many times I wrote "hope". Because, as childish and unwise and rash it is to believe in the future, it is only human to have so much hope. To close out, here are some things right now that are so, so beautiful to me, I hope you have the strength to seek them out. A song: The Bug Collector - Haley Heynderickx A book: Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian Page 289, Line 13 and a poem: Someday I'll Love Ocean Vuong - Ocean Vuong I feel like I'm hyping up a 24-year old, but keep that chin up baby. Stay present. Don't let life slip past you. Seek experiences. Know that you are loved and that things will work out in the end. Whatever end that may be. From me to you to me, I love you, Your #1 fan