A letter from May 19th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Happy 23rd birthday! A week ago from writing this you felt an awful lot like ******* yourself. You had been feeling like life is too much for you to handle. Like it requires some sort of intrinsic strength that you just don't have enough of. You feel like you will never grow out of this shame. As you write this it's 3:48 a.m., and you just finished your last assignment ever of highschool (such a procrastinator--I hope four years of college has taught you better!), and, clearly, you're not dead. And if you're reading this on your 23rd birthday, well, then clearly you're still not dead. So, congratulations! I know it might be kind of a downer on your birthday to hear about how suicidal you were at age 17, but I want you to know that I'm really proud of us. I don't know what your life is like right now. I assume you're just starting medical school (good luck--we'll need it) and that you probably know a little more about who we are and what our place in this world is. And while that sounds great--a hell of a lot better than contemplating sewer slide over an effing online math project--I don't know if things are actually better for you. I don't know that you don't feel just as alone and terrified as you do right now. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably do. There's no way a 23-year-old has everything figured out. Honestly, I don't know if things will ever get completely "better" for you. I think that state of perpetual bliss you've sought in the past might not even exist--at least not for us. But that's okay, because you're here. I am so so proud of you for that. You have struggled so much all by yourself for so long, and even when you feel like an utter p.o.s I hope you remember what you've accomplished so far. It might not seem like a lot at times, but it was. It was a lot for us to handle, and we did the best we could. I hope that in the future you've finally learned that you don't always have to do everything alone. I hope you know how to ask for help and that you're getting it. So, cheers to 23 years on this beautiful, horrible planet. And cheers to many bittersweet more. I love you. Tell your parents and siblings that you love them, too. Also, go have yourself a nice fruity alcoholic drink to celebrate and try not to get too misty thinking about the you writing this. I think she'll be just fine <3