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Dear FutureMe, Hi! I hope this letter finds you well. Well, if not, I hope you find it in you to see a silver lining. How have things been with you, by the way? In honesty, writing to you knowing this gets delivered five years after is a little frightening. I don't know what will happen after five years, but I hope it's all well. How are our parents? How's Mickey? Today, I'm writing this letter during a pandemic. I'm sure you wouldn't forget, but I still want to say it nonetheless. Mom is at their house, and I'm currently sitting in the living room of Kuya's house. Dad has been on the frontlines ever since the outbreak, and sometimes I wish I could take off that responsibility from him and adopt it instead. Is the pandemic over now? I hope it is. I hope it didn't claim anyone close to you. I've written you a letter before through this site, too, when we were little and I was hoping it would get to you in our teens, but it never did. I guess it got lost somewhere in your locked-up old email. What a waste. Anyway, I hope things are better with you now more than ever. There are things only the two of us know—dark, scary things we both know shouldn't come to light. I hope you forgive yourself for that. Things we both refuse to talk or even think about—it's painful, and it actually triggers relapse, but I've read somewhere that in order for us to truly heal, we have to open the wound and feel the pain; finger our way in and find the root cause, and pull it out. Pull it out, because it's poison. It's scary, I know, but the first step is always the hardest. But I hope you find the courage in you to face your fears bravely, look into its eyes, and smile. I know how you don't want to let it go. Me, too. I don't want to let go of the things that once made my heart burst of love and joy, but now only made my heart ache with longing and regret. But we have to. At afternoons, those things has its way of finding me in my room. I thought I was over it because it's been years, but in truth, I really wasn't. I've only ever been masking it up with all the escapes I could, but I realised that it's still there, and there's no other way to be at peace with it without sticking my fingers in and pulling it out. Until we do that, those things will always have its way of catching up to us, too often catching us off-guard. J, I'm still a coward. I'm sorry if I can't do all those things yet today for your peace tomorrow. I'm sorry because it seems like I'm giving you the burden of settling it instead of facing it right on, and I can't put it another way. I can't let go yet. I really don't want to. I'm still afraid because if I did, I feel like I'm also letting go of those things that once made my heart fat with happiness. This is why I hope that you're brave now, five years after. Brave enough to move on for the both of us. Brave enough to take on the quest I have been afraid to take on. I talk too much about me, don't I? How are you today? It occurs to me that I haven't greeted you yet. Happy birthday! You're 27 now. How's life been treating you? Have you already been what you've dreamt of? Are the friends you used to hangout with in college still in your life? New friends? Work? Love life? Do you plan on settling down? Is life still the same? I've kept a journal for you filled with whatever it is that I've been writing at this year. There are a number of blank pages, but I'm working on that. I've read my high school pink diary and oh, how happy were I when I reread that again last three months, I guess. That's why I've been trying my best to do and fill up one year after year. The future may be uncertain, and it's true that we don't hold time, but I hope you always look forward to it with hopeful heart and a brave smile. Most importantly, it's also crucial that you live your best in every moment. Laugh more, smile more, hug a little longer, and kiss your parents a lot! Remember that you thought you wouldn't live to be 20, but here you are celebrating another added year of colorful life. Don't let it go to waste, J. I promise I will work hard for the foundation and achievement of all your dreams. I hope you don't stop reading, and writing, and being kind. I hope the world, cruel as it can be, doesn't transform you into a cold person no matter what happens, because if you do, you're only feeding on its game; you'll lose. Stick to who you are and let your light shine, no matter how little you think it is. For you, for your loved ones, and for those things that once made your heart full of joy and love. I won't fail you. I hope I didn't. Love, J 181635H May 2020 Monday