A letter from May 16th, 2020

dear kartika, 2020, it was supposed to me my year. i got the post i wanted, started out the year partying, got the highest in my physics final and not one grade less than an 85%, got into my first relationship in the first few days, started to eat healthier, get fit and most importantly, i was mad happy. but then corona came to town, schools shut down, extra curricular activities are cancelled, sunav broke up with me, online school is a mess and summer has been stolen by an en ending list of due dates, assignments and tasks. 10th grade, i was going to be the star for mood and mime, chair JBMUN, go on the school trip with sam, zaa, chawde and vaids, pull insane pranks on teachers, make memories with tish, arsh, ishaan, unnabh, ishbel, kaavya, zoj sneak out to make out with shiv, get drunk go swimming...but its all gone. how do i feel? well i wake up every single day, with nowhere to go, barely anything to look forward to. my routine has become waking up, sitting for class, having a shower just to change into another pair of pajamas, treat buddy's wound, eat lunch, sit back onto the bed to watch gossip girl, stuff my face with Oreo's, sit for tutions, go for a walk with ishbel, come home eat dinner treat buddy's wound again, and stay up until sleep comes. am i happy? well i've realized that i am actually pretty content. its not a laughter soaring in my soul, eyes filled with tears of joy kind of happiness its more of a, my personal growth is evident and i try each day to become a better version of myself kind of happiness. every once in a while i'll stumble across a picture of sunav and all of a sudden everything will come rushing back, because right now, even after all the **** he did, my heart skips a beat just by thinking about him. i know, its so ridiculous we "dated" for like six days, and its been almost three months since the breakup, but he made wake up with a smile and made me laugh, and encouraged me to study and quite frankly i didn't see the breakup coming. right now, he's constantly on my mind and i cant imagine being with anyone but him, but i hope that when you read this you're with someone who's dying to be with you, who makes you smile when it feels like the world around you is crashing, who doesn't try to tweak and change you, instead he or she loves you in your most raw state, and who isn't trying to "fix" you, but is loving you even when you're shattered and waiting for you to pick yourself up and rebuild yourself. i hope you're with someone who you love. and if you're with no one at all, that's okay too, because loving someone is satisfying and wholesome, but loving yourself is just as good, if not better. you'll find your way to them when the time is right and that time will be the time of your life, even if its not what i imagined for you. right now my plans for college and 11th//12th are very ambitious, and i really really hope when you're reading this you don't regret them. i've decided i want to pursue both Cambridge and IIT, and then go to whichever one is attainable. this will obviously leave very little time for much else, but with any spare time i get, i'll continue dog rescue, maybe try my luck at acting? who knows...i mean actually you do but i'm trying to show off how funny i am. that's the plan, but i haven't been motivated to do anything at all and i really hope that i can get my **** together, soon. i mean i've done it before and i know i will be able to again, but this anxiety of the unknown is really really scary. everything that mom says to me right now hurts me, we're often fighting and arguing, and as hard as papa tries he too lost his temper on me during this lockdown. its getting to everyone and i really hope when you look back at this now you realize how much you learnt from this, because i feel like *** every time mom calls me names, or saying i wont be able to achieve anything. all i'm hoping is that if you become a mom (please don't not so soon) don't every invalidate how anyone, especially your child, feels hear their problems, try to understand where they're coming from. don't shout at them for asking questions and try to be patient no matter how hard it seems, weigh your words, and let them come talk to you about their problems. listen with out judgement and give them space to make their own mistakes. be their best friend and confidant. motivate them to be kinder and nicer, not ONLY to be smarter and sharper. remember that strict parents only make sneakier children. be a good mom, one you longed for. as for children, well, right now i haven't gone to Pali in over three months, and i've never missed a place this much in my life. i miss happy and his cuddles, i miss dora and her elegant run, i miss fluffy and him growling at everyone who tries to come near me, i miss beauty who's so magnificent and graceful, the peacemaker of the family, i miss uno and his puppy eyes and stinky breath.. i just love them so so much and i miss them more than i can explain. chandini is pregnant again!! suraj is a real big man ;) chiku is still a baby, at least the last time i saw him, he still licks my face and tries to suck on my chin. my best friend right now is zara cassum and tishya. i dont know about zara because i love her but somewhere i can't relate to her, but at the end of the day she's always listening and no matter what she says or does i hope i always have her back and she always has mine. tishya is tishya. i'm almost certain when you're reading this you are either still as close as family, or you miss her and her friendship, reach out to her because i can promise you, she won't stay mad, and she probably misses you more. sarrah zojwalla is a good friend still, but she can be selfish and cunning, but again that's a friendship that i hope can sustain. not best friend or bridesmaid level close, but enough. chawde and vaidicka are good friends. and they're in your life. i'm almost certain. vaidicka and i are in a "fake" fight right now, just for drama, because life in lock down is soooo boring. chawde and i are planning on releasing our podcast 'dumb and dumber' soon, ria is putting in a lot of effort so i'm hoping it works out. mallika and mrinali are dating as of now, maybe you've hooked up with mallika, but right now we are the beans, and i love them dearly. saarah dhansura and my friendship ended up being way too fickle, and shes too similar to tia mehra. friend-wise, right now i'm very pleased because none of my friends make me sad or exhausted they make me smile and remind me that i am incredible and unbeatable. arsh and ishaan, despite their close friendship with sunav, have proven to be trustworthy and reliable, but the friendship is still raw and new, but they seem kind, i hope y'all had a good run. that's all the life updates i can think of for now, whatever you are, whoever you are, i genuinely hope you have learnt to love yourself, accept mistakes, keep your ego aside and apologize, hold yourself in high esteem, care for your body, mediate for your mind, party for your soul. i hope you're drinking water, keeping clean, running errands, expressing what you feel when you feel it, living fully. i hope you let love wash your body, hope you let experiences soak your soul. i just hope you make it worth it. maybe when you're reading this you'll cringe at the person you used to be, but whatever it is, this bald, goofy, dumb ***** is really counting on you to be happier, learned, and achieving. all the love, Kartika, 2020.