A letter from May 11th, 2020

Hello. It's been five years since this was written. Now I'm 25 years old to the day. I wanted to write this to my future self because I wanted something to look forward to. These days have been difficult for me. I am about to go into my Junior year of college and I still don't really know what to expect. I've been lost in every sense, but mostly in having friends. I don't have many and I know I always said I can handle being on my own....however, I now know that it would be nice to have a few out there. A few that I can talk to and hang out with, people to lean on and laugh with, all the cliché aspects of typical friendships. I don't have that at this moment five years prior, but I hope by now I have found my lifelong friends. I've always hated being lonely, so I can only hope for anything but that at this age. I hope I am healthy in not only the physical aspects of myself, but also the mental. And if I find that I'm not, I hope I have the courage to change. I'm telling my 25 year old self right now that I better be up to par with what I always expected and if I'm not this has got to be my wake up call. I want to mean something to the world and I think now is as good as a time to start. Maybe by now I've found my lifelong partner. Someone who is gentle and caring, all the while being spontaneous and everything I always wanted. I don't know much, but I do know that I'm picky so I better have gotten my act together by now. I always wanted it to be Callie, but I'm pretty sure she's not in my life by now because she's barely in it anymore as it is. I loved her friendship more than I wanted her love, and the feeling of losing her in every part of my life has always haunted me. The fact that it's basically here is ripping me open. 25 year old me I know Callie is not in your life anymore and I hope by now you've gotten over her. Please don't hold on to wishful thinking. It's not healthy. You deserve someone who will reciprocate your love, know that at least. I want a lot of things in life, and I'm not naive enough to not see that I probably won't get much to anything I desire. I'm about to be 20 years old and I still feel lost. I hate it so much, sometimes I wish I wasn't here anymore. This feeling of despair and longing hasn't been able to leave my since high school, but I hope it has by now. Now that I am 25 I hope I've found peace and a little bit of light to help me out. While writing this I notice I'm doing a lot of wishing and hoping for my future self. I hope it amounts to something. All I know is 25 year old me, you better love yourself the way your 20 year old self never did. You deserve happiness and you deserve not to be chosen last by the people you call friends. Choose yourself before others, even if it sounds selfish to hear, know that it's not. It's not selfish to want to pick yourself up before someone else, and it's not selfish to make decisions in your best interest. You have got to stop obsessing over every little detail when someone talks to you. You need to understand that it usually is never as bad as your head makes it out to be. Regardless of everything I've said so far, I hope I am happy. Happiness comes and goes, but I hope it stays from here on out. I deserve a little bit more than temporary happiness, yeah? Know that you are beautiful inside and out, so stop hating everything about yourself. Love yourself in the best way that you can and give yourself a little credit. Be happy and healthy and love the world like you should. I love you now more than I love me now. It's been a rough few months in light of the pandemic, so I hope you and the world and where it needs to be. Be as good as I always wanted, okay? With the little hope I have left, 20 year old me.