A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear Kaila, My dear, I hope you are doing well at this time. I really hope you found the strength to learn how become who you are. I hope you found the strength to leave all the pain behind in your life that you are feeling right now. I hope you don't feel that anger you feel right now in this moment. This was never the dream. I hope you have started school and are studying to become what you have always wanted to be. I believe in my heart that you have changed for the better and i hope that when you decide to take the time to read this you will realize how far you have come. I am doing therapy and taking my meds and doing the things i need to do in my life to better myself so i swear if you aren't still doing those things i'm going to be mad at you. I want you to remember who you were in this moment because i believe its that time in my life where i know that change is important. Please tell me if you followed your dreams or not because i believe that you will one day find the balls to move away and never look back. I believe you will do everything that i only dream of at this point in time. I know you may be looking back at this and questioning why i either stressed out so much about the future and about life... or you are ashamed that the dreams in life that you chose never happened. I hope that flame didn't completely burn out in you and i hope you have found a way to reignite it and i hope you have found happiness in your life that you can take home with you. I hope you have learned how to fight off the nightmares and all the thoughts that keep you up at night and i hope you dream as vividly and as kindly as you used to. I really do believe one day that you will be okay. I know that this isn't the time or the place for you to feel the way you do about things right now but its okay. I believe that future me has finally found the ways in which you make life okay. I hope mom is doing okay and i know that you worry about her. And please for the love of everything show her this when this comes back to you because right now i know life seems kind of crazy but i know you will always have her. And if you are reading this right now and something isn't okay then i hope you are at least helping yourself in life. Just remember that you have survived every single one of your bad days. All of them. And i cant be anymore proud of you. I honestly don't know if this is a good day to send this to you but i believe it may help in the future. You are doing good. I promise. As long as you are happy, you did everything i wanted you to be. You made it past everything i thought i wouldn't survive. You did everything you were supposed to. And if for some reason you aren't. Read this, Kaila. I promise you that if you listen to me you will be okay. I think I've always believed in you but right now i don't think that has shown yet. I love you. Always love yourself no matter what life throws at you and i promise you will make it. Always stay true to yourself and your feelings because i know you will do fine in life. And hug mom for me okay? cherish her. Always. Please. I'm sending this to you today because whether or not you will need it now. i know at some point in your life you did need it. And i hope you will use it for your own well being. He will always be there for you even if you can't see him. Just remember that, okay? I know it may not seem like it at times and its hard for you to even believe that hes there but he is okay? And remember that even though our life together was shorter than expected and it was a roller coaster of a relationship, he still loved you and always will. I promise. This isn't the end of your story and this isn't the end of mine. See you in the future beautiful. Be kind to yourself;