A letter from May 4th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I honestly don't know where to start here so this is going to be god awful and not my normal writing ability but I haven't slept in weeks and really don't know what or why I'm writing but here we go. I don't even know if this will work because ill probably be dead in a few years anyway but if by some miracle I'm not I guess I should just start talking I guess? dear future me, are you happy yet? because I'm sure not. I hope you are. I don't know why I'm addressing future me as 'you' because technically we're the same person but who the **** cares. Im sending this 5 years in the future I think I'm not doing the math but I'm sending this to when i think ill be getting ready to start my freshman year of college if i even am going to college im about to finish 8th grade and honestly im so done with school and people that i might just say **** it and not go to college even though i think i want to, although i don't know if i want to or i think i have to. I change my mind to often to know what ill be studying when i get there but right now i want to go to the University of Washington and dual major in English and Criminal justice because that is where my interests currently lay. Im 14 right now, i know im not supposed to know who i am but im so incredibly tired i so so tired of not knowing who i am. i don't know my gender or ********* im so tired of it im so so tired i just want this **** to be easier. do you feel safe now? i hope in the future i feel safe, its weird because i know im probably safe at home i don't feel safe at home. i don't like it here i don't want to be here any longer. i keep hearing people telling me to hold on but goddammit its so ******* hard. im slowly losing everyone in my life, i know its probably my fault but i don't know what im doing. im talking to amelia less, most people from my school are scared of me or just don't like me (i don't blame them haha) my family is a whole other topic that it feels wrong of me to talk about because i don't know whats happening. dad hasn't lost his job yet but i can see it coming most of the time mom and dad talk their arguing about how they might support the family if and when dad loses his job. it would feel wrong for me to write this write now (right now being 2:00pm on may 4th 2020) and not mention the whole *** pandemic going on right now. We've been quarantined for almost 2 or 3 months at this point I've lost track of all time (March 12th is when we started quarantining) at the beginning i was having fun during this because it just meant i didn't have to go to school and deal with all the ******* people i hate i got to read more, relax more i was exercising but now i don't even know im just in such a bad place but i cant even explain it but i hate it im so tired all the time and i want nothing more than to just fall asleep and not wake up again, Jackson says i try to hard to be edgy or whatever the ****, im not trying to be i just genuinely don't want to be here anymore but i cant say it to anyone because no one ******* listens to me, im asking for help in the best way i know how (because we all know my dysfunctional *** doesn't know how to ask for help) but no one understands and its so frustrating because i don't know how to ask for help, i hope in the future you learn to ask for help because i don't know how much longer i can do this dude. honestly, i highly doubt that, with the way 2020 is going to doubt the world will last long enough for this letter to reach the future because JESUS CHRIST, they found ****** wasps in Washington 3 days ago, we will all be dead in a few months and i will not be surprised. do you have a group of friends in the future? honestly, i blame fanfiction for my unbelievable standards for relationships and im not talking about the dysfunctional fanfiction that glorifies abusive relationships im talking about the ones that has an incredible group of friends and relationships that are to perfect for anyone to actually have. honestly, i just want a group of friends because if im being honest i dont have any real friends. Dr Michelle thinks that my crippling loneliness (her words not mine) is becoming debilitating to my mental health i don't know why i felt the need to say that but i did I'm writing this because i saw someone on TikTok do it and i thought it would be fun i wonder what the thing will be in the future hm. by the way since your in the future and you know, did i ever finish my this i believe essay? its hard hearing on a daily basis that your not living up to your potential but i don't know i honestly don't know how i feel anymore i haven't turned any school work in since mid march, its not a fact that im proud of but its just a fact i just cant bring myself to do it. i just cant. i hope in the future your doing what you want because right now im not allowed to, i hope you look how you want, do what you want, think and feel how you want. are around the people you want. i have no choices in my life i know i am young but Jesus guys come on im not allowed to change im not allowed to try im not allowed to question anything its ******* annoying. do you and amelia keep in contact? do you remember how we met? in 4th grade when she took care of me when i was sick even though we didn't know each other, do you remember the day she called you and told you she was moving the summer after 6th grade? i remember it right now. i was sitting in dads truck she called me and told me she was moving i ran out to my art studio and just started sobbing, she was what kept me stable that year she was my only real friend for so long now I've lost her to. we don't talk as much as we used to. i know i valued our friendship when it happened but i just wish it didn't have to end. we still talk sometimes but its not like it used to i miss how it used to be, actually no, i miss how our friendship used to be, i wish we could still have the friendship we used to have today, because i used to be a piece of ****, i still am but a little less of an ******* then i used to be maybe. idk your in the future what do you think? im still an ******* but how much of an ******* am i really? i can see how much of an ******* i used to be so im assuming that you'll be able to see how awful i am rn. do you have a partner in the future? i hope you do because even tho i dont see why everyone my age whats to be in a relationship so badly (i personally think it's idiotic because we are still ******* children) i want to be in one when im older, i want to be loved i want to k n o w im loved (because in all honestly i don't know if i am right now) i want my partner to know they're loved by me i dont know i sound needed i know. mom told me the other day that me Jackson and Jordan are to hard to raise. i dont feel loved here. what's the gov like in the future? still god awful i assume? actually **** it im sending this directly 5 years in the future to i think that ill get it now in 5 years so ill be in the middle to the end of my freshman year of college so hi freshman year me you doing what you want to do yet? if your reading this go out and make the most of your life right now please and thank you ok well now im being yelled at because i need to go over to aunties so she can help me with math i dont want to go over i feel unwanted over there like im intruding. ok i have to go now, i hope you maybe learned something from this or maybe your just laughing at how maybe cringe this is idk dude im not thinking write ok well bye i guess? the depressed 14 year old version of your self bye i love you - may 4th 2020 2:40