A letter from April 30th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Hey Girl!!! Happy Birthday! I hope you’re doing well. Or better at least, today isn’t so great. The step monster is wrecking havoc on my mental stability. I have a concussion 🤪 and we’re in the middle of corona season. I hope you’ve figured out how to deal with your depression and anxiety. I hope you’re actually reading this. We always joke about how your ego is too big to **** yourself but I hope it stays like that. I know I cry a lot now. I’m not sure that’ll change much. I’m 350lbs right now. I used to be gaining weight everyday but now I’ve kinda stopped gaining weight. I’m kinda stuck here. I’m working against my binging habits and unhealthy eating but it’s hard in these corona times. I’ve been playing cards by myself and with mom. I want to work out but sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy and what if people don’t like me even when I’m skinny. Mom says I won’t be developed until I’m 25. I think I believe her but my feelings are still valid now. That’s something I struggle with. I want to be validated. I deserve it. I hope you feel validated where you are. You deserve it. Did you go through with nursing school? I know now I’m thinking I’m not nearly smart enough to pull it off, I don’t think I can. I don’t mean to be so negative but it’s where I am today and right now. I want to be happy. At least I think I do. I can’t really remember what it feels like to be happy, I read somewhere that people punish themselves because subconsciously they don’t think they deserve to be happy. I hope I’m not like that. I don’t think I am but who knows. It’s your subconscious right? I look at my step father and I can’t see that man my mom supposedly says he was. All I see is a mean creature that somebody poked too many times with a stick. I hope you’re still friends with my friends. I think they’re good ones, ride or dies yunno? But then again I thought that about that other girl and she was ******* crazy. If I were to go through with nursing I think I would be good at it. But I don’t know if I’m smart enough. I’ve been told so many times by the step monster that I’m worthless and stupid. Fat and ugly. Loud and obnoxious. Sarcastic and mean. I’m not sure I’ll outgrow those words. They fit pretty well I think. I’ve owned them at this point. I wear them as armour. I sound way to poetic right now, which is funny because I’m 92 days sober (not that I was an alcoholic or a druggie before). Here I am me in my boldness, writing something I’m destined to forget. I hope I receive this well. I hope all is well and stays well. Provided we get out of Rona time without it turning into zombies. I hope your happy, I hope you’re happy now. I’ve finally learned how to play crib so be proud of that. Ronnie taught me, I hope he’s alright. I like him. I hope Ken is alright too. I’m not sure thats a funeral I can make it through. Either of them. I think I can sit through the step monsters without crying, but that may be a rash statement. Maybe we’ll fix everything. But I doubt it. I don’t think. If mom knew the things he’s done or the **** he’s said she’d understand. I don’t know how to end this. I don’t know if I want to end it, I like pretending that everything is okay and will be okay. I’ve always liked fantasy and emerging myself in a world that isn’t mine. That being said I should probably say goodbye. So goodbye I love you. Blessed be my love, Blessed be. With warm hugs and much love, Kyra Leigh Kurtz. 2020.