A letter from April 27th, 2020

Tuesday 28th April 6:35am Ramadan 3rd fasting day finished, seheri finished so started 4th fasting day Had a long cry thinking about future self and how I’d feel looking back at myself wearing the hoodie I wear just about all the time, the dark blue Johnsonville cricket club hoodie with my name in the back of it. Asking myself questions like for when ma and abbuka reaches there end, what date would I look back on to remember for when life was at its best and for when I had the most youthful and enjoyable memories to look back on. It’s been awhile since this messages were written and who knows I might be looking at buying the house iv always wanted living at the top floor of a high rise building in Bangladesh with most amazing mood lights around setting the vibe while I play my favourite chill songs or whatever lmao. I sit here in the bathroom now beside the bathtub wandering on how I’d feel if amma wear to take her last breath, we’re in a big argument at the moment where abbuka said stuff that I’d rather not write buts it’s not a hard guess as it’s literally the worst thing a parent cold day to their child, but haha I don’t mind it as I know he doesn’t mean it as he says ******** like thus when he’s mad all the time. Iv never cried this hard in a while, thinking about wether the time I’m in Right now is the best I’ve ever had and I’m crying because if this is the best moment then the rest of my life is pretty darn bad and the thing that’s making me cry is putting myself in my shoes as an old man sitting beside one of my parents last bed bout to take there last breath and reminiscing about when times where at their best. If things are as good as they get then the rest of my life may be so bad that it drives me to things I’ll regret meaning that is the most innocent and honest and labelled as the “good old days”. If so I’d be thinking: How lucky I am, right now Ma and abbuka has doesn’t so much for me to put in me such a good position. Living under this beautiful house where I father who worked so hard and sacrifice so much has brought us here, and a loving mother who has sacrificed so much after not being able to see so many things in Bangladesh, yet would rather see me and bhaia live the life that they never had. Even though you and I could both agree that that’s the biggest understatement. I just really want to let them know how much they mean to me how much I love them, everyone including bhaia, in a way like no other, and I hope that you have done something to let them know about that. I don’t know if I will regret this or not, but I feel like I’ll be writing more of this, but I want to let you or myself know, how ******* smart you are, the level that you are at is much higher than everyone else, you are different, unique and if u couldn’t find a way to make urself successful, then something that neither of us can explain. But u have to work, I’m too lazy right now I don’t get **** done, I hope u change that. I hope you get up and do something very productive and whatever happens, find a way to let them or atleast ma or Abukka how much u mean to them, that’s my and your priority to the fullest, they need to know as I Rn feel like they don’t know and that we take advantage of them, and to be truthful I hate to say it but I feel the same. Please make them understand, take care of them LOVE THEM and how much you APPRECIATION THEM There’s a couple more things that I have a feeling of thatl like maybe remind you of why I wrote this and some other stuff behind it Amma is in hospital, she is in bad condition but I don’t know much because abukka and are in a fight would rather not talk to him but that’s what springing all these thoughts And my ig account is @zihan_tayefuzzaman if that’s still running Please keep going in life and find motivation