A letter from April 21st, 2020

Hey, you. It's you. Weird. Happy birthday to ya. I'm 21, but by the time you're reading this you should be turning 27. That's ******* wild. At the point that I'm at right now, I can't even imagine where I'll be next month. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm just floating around, waiting for life to hit me instead of taking initiative and making it my own. We've always had that problem. I remember when we were 12, thought we knew exactly what we were doing and where we'd be by now (21). Little did she know, she'd be clueless just ten years later. Life hits you hard. What I do know is that where I thought I'd be right now is nowhere near where I am. I only imagine that's the case for you, now. If not, however, I hope it's better than you imagined. You deserve the break. I guess I'll start with what's going on now. Currently it's April 21, 2020 at 2:24 A.M. Coronavirus Quarantine has us on a weird sleep schedule, praying that yours is a little better than mine. It's been six months since you left A***. Six long months, filled with risky casual *** and lonely nights, but we got through it nonetheless. I'm better than I was then, even though it's hard to recognize sometimes. Four days ago you decided you would embark on a year-long journey of celibacy and self-discovery--I am REALLY hoping you made it through. I realized that I was using *** to cover up what was really going on. I just didn't want to feel alone, didn't want to feel hurt. But the truth is, as I am learning slowly, you need to feel everything, even the pain. The pain lets you know you're alive, it lets you appreciate the sweet times. "But to feel nothing, so as to not feel anything, what a waste!" (I hope you still watch CMBYN 3x a month) Here are a few things that currently bother me, issues that I hope you reflect on and realize were trivial in the grand scheme of things. Your mom has been driving you crazy. I'm sure she hasn't changed, but I hope you've learned to cope better. Tell her you love her for me, she needs to hear it. While you're at it, tell your dad how much he means to you. I am about a year away from finishing my Bachelor's and starting the next chapter of my life, whatever that may be. I have no idea what I want to do and it plagues me, I only hope you've figured it out. I am broke. A*** left me penniless and it makes me feel like I'm less of a person. I hope you've made it out of your financial rut and you're back to saving the way you once did. Overall, I'm just so sad and anxious. I have good days, but it feels like the bad outweighs the good. I just have no idea what I'm doing...sometimes everything just seems insignificant; other times, even the little things feel huge. I just want to be effortlessly happy but that's not how we were made. I need therapy, I need medication, I need something. I hope you've managed to work through your fears and that you're getting/you've gotten help. I may not say it often enough, but I love you. In just the short 21 years that I've been alive, I have overcome so much. I got through a four-year long relationship that ended in lies and cheating. I got out of a seven-month long relationship that almost ended our life. I have battled depression, self-harm, anxiety, and I am here. I am breathing, writing to you in hopes that you're continuing to power through like the bad ***** I know you're capable of being. I'm getting better, I see it. I feel it. I cannot wait to see how far you've come. Stop and think about your accomplishments, and give yourself a pat on the back. I hope you've learned to cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit when it's due. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. The simple fact that you're still around, despite all of the ******** you've endured, is worthy of celebration. I am so proud of you. I really am. How are Mac and Mickey? Mac should be 7, Mickey should be 9 now. Are they still driving you insane? Do they still win your heart over though, every time they look at you? I miss them currently, haven't seen them in a few weeks. Give them a pet for me, spend some time with them. I am sure you've been so caught up in life that you haven't stopped to realize they're getting old, too. Love them with everything in you, the same way they've loved you. Are you and your cousin still close? As of right now, we've talked every single day for the last 6 months. She's been imperative in your self-healing process. You may not see eye-to-eye always, but she's everything to me. If it's been a while, call her and tell her you love her. How's Alexus? I know you guys are still friends, however close you may be. She's currently planning on coming over Monday, so that should be fun. I don't know where life has taken her, but tell her I say hi. I'm sure you'll be sending her a screenshot of this e-mail regardless. Mom? Dad? Marcos? Abuela? I don't know what the situation is, but here's to hoping they're all still around. Please make sure they know they're loved. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life, I isolate myself. I hope you've improved. This one's important...is Mayday Parade still together? Please tell me they are. I hope they still bring you same happiness they bring me. I don't want to sit here and speculate what the future might look like. It's easy to look onto coming days and hope for the best, but I've never been one to handle disappointment when my presumptions turn out to be incorrect. I don't know the damage that five years can do. However, I do have hopes. I hope five years makes you happy, I hope it leads you to love (even though the "you" right now may not be open to it), I hope it leads you to experience things you only ever dreamt of experiencing, I hope it lands you in places you only imagined seeing with your own two eyes. I hope you get to travel the country with your dogs like you always daydreamed about. I hope you cover yourself in tattoos and you continue to mess with your hair. Never lose that part of you. I hope you've learned how to save money again. I hope you've learned not to sweat the small things so much, it takes a toll on you. I hope five years taught you patience and self-love, you've always been so hard on yourself. I hope five years have brought you clarity, that you're content with where your life is and where it's headed, that you're pleased with the choices you've made and where they led you. I hope you have no regrets, because they're not worth it. Most importantly, I hope five years have urged you to forgive not only others, but yourself. Forgive yourself for any pain you've inflicted on yourself, forgive yourself for choices you've made that seemed like mistakes at the time, forgive yourself for not being perfect and for falling short and for not trying sometimes and for trying too much other times. I'll be better than I was. You'll be better than you were. Continue to speak these words into existence. You will never be the best, you will never have it all figured out unfortunately. I can only imagine you're just as lost now as you were when you were writing this letter. However, even if you're not where you wanna be, you are where you need to be. Here's some advice from your younger self. (1) It may not seem like it, but remind yourself that every experience is imperative to your growth (even the ones that almost **** you). (2) Remind yourself that you are beautiful daily, speak nothing but words of love to yourself and to others. (3) Keep creating and and keep finding new hobbies even if you only keep up with them for a few weeks. Anything that makes you smile even a little is worth the time. (4) Know that your heart is the same even if your body has changed. (5) FIND THE GOOD IN LIFE. Just this morning, I went on a drive to ease my anxiety and I came across a huge field of yellow flowers. Riding around, music loud, windows down, and a field of flowers. That's all it took to make me smile today. Keep looking for your yellow flowers, I promise you they're there as long as you look. (6) Please know your worth. Never let anybody treat you like you are nothing because you are everything*. Settle for nothing less, ever again. (7) Do not let anybody tell you who you should be or what you're doing wrong. You know why? Because you are doing what you can, you are doing what you love, you are trying your best, AND THAT WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. (8) Reward yourself sometimes, will you? You made it another five years--I hope these were a little nicer to you. Keep finding reasons to smile, things to be grateful for, motives for living on. Know that you have made me so ******* proud for simply making it to this message. Continue to make the most out of every day, even when finding your yellow flowers seems impossible. I love you always.