A letter from April 15th, 2020

Dear (Sacha) FutureMe, I'm gonna be honest. I found this off of a youtube comment, so not an original thought. I hope you're doing well, that's what I want most in the world for you - you're 23 years old now. That's really frightening for some reason. It's an idea I'm not sure I could get used to. What do you do now? After going to school for film..how could my life turn out, do you have a job? Do you work in the creative industry? Are you acting!? Are you happy? I don't think I'm happy most of the time, I think I sort of just exist in the moment not thinking if I am truly happy. Have you discovered how to make yourself happy on your own? I really hope so. Moving on, so...set the scene all exams have been cancelled, school is no longer on. Paulina, Catherine, Becky, and Emily. Arguably your only friends from highschool - do you stay in touch? Because right now - I find it impossible to barely enjoy talking to them, are these just reminscent memories.... Did you ever actually bleach your hair, I know i've been meaning too but it's so hard to commit. I'll get there one day. Did you ever lose that weight I wanted to, 178lbs my dream weight :( Do you ever talk to mum? I know she makes you anxious, anger and just makes you hate yourself, but I don't want to leave things unsettled. What about Charlotte, as if there's a way you wouldn't talk to her :) And how about Conor and Becky and Violet, I wonder if you miss them. You don't still live in Northern Ireland right...I am actually smarting than that right? And did German pay off? Are we bilingual yet hehe In all seriousness am I alright? Was there ever something wrong with me. Because I sort of revel in the idea that I'm not just made this way, that it is more of a chemical thing in my brain. That I don't actually hate myself, I know you can fool yourself, but deep down it really hurts. It hurts knowing that you hate so many things about yourself but you refuse to inanct any changes. I hope that's changed, I hope you care for yourself. Is there anyone special in your life?? That's all I've ever wanted, a date, a kiss, something that just sort of fills the void in me. Makes me whole, I know I shouldn't think like that because I'm strong and an Individual and all that crap - but I just can't help it. I hope by the time you're 23 you can stop feeling empty and just live. Live life as full as you can, I want you to be scared to die because of what you'll lose rather than just accepting because you think you have nothing to live for. Love, past me