A letter from April 14th, 2020

Hi, future me, its freshman year of college you. Happy Birthday! Right now, at this moment, you are extremely stressed out about a project for a class that literally does not matter. Remember technical writing? And the ******** campaign you had to write that you totally freaked out over? Hopefully one week from now us does well on it. Anyways, how are you? I feel like you’re still struggling, and if you are it’s ok. Go for a run. Hopefully, you’re still running. I’m not great at it yet, and I just sprained my ankle from falling down the stairs on Easter! Remember that? Anyways Friday was the anniversary of dads *****. Two years later it’s not any easier. Are we still guilty that we didn’t answer the phone that morning? Are we still angry at the universe for giving him cancer and taking away our best friend? Or have you finally found a way to find some peace with it? Because if I’m being honest with you, I’m crying right now just thinking about how selfish Alex was two years ago. I hope you’re in grad school, or in the process of applying. I hope you didn’t let mom talk me out of it. I still don’t know if I forgive her for everything, maybe you have and I applaud you for it, that couldn’t have been easy. I hope you’re still close to Emma, me and her are in a good place right now. Let’s talk about love. Right now I feel really alone. I know that my friends love me(hopefully you still have them in your corner), but it’s different. Hopefully, someone loves you, or at least loved you by now. I for one haven’t been loved since dad died. It’s crazy that he was literally the only person in my life, well our life, that loved me, and when he died, I felt all the love in my life disappear. If you are in love, please please please don’t take it for granted. For you and me being loved is rare, and I still feel like we don’t deserve it because we took the only love we ever had for granted. I highly doubt that if you are in love, it’s with Aaron, but if you are, that’s insane. I really really like him, and he literally has no ******* clue who I am. I’m so interested in him and I liked one of his Instagram posts at 3 AM and nothing! Not even a follow request! Lowkey that broke my heart just a little bit. But other than him, I really really hope once I get to where you are I know what loving myself feels like. I really hate myself right now, everything about me. Hopefully, you have a reason to be alive. I’m sorry that this is depressing, but you know how it is, you lived it. Overall I hope that youre finally happy and healthy. I hope cookie is still alive and I hope youre still alive. Im rooting for you. Ps. you are really into willie nelson right now and the Weeknds new album. I love you, from here to the moon and back. Please be kind to yourself. Love, An Alex that is already proud of you.