A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Opyleltmce 23 ot m’i no,w my are ym eyra giakntl agdcnhe er)tt,le nwdo ni 1ts2 ieuspd efil thta and hwo( uoy in. Swa het ym fo it esbt yaer lefi nad toswr. Rhguo hacpt ew s12t my ym samo‘ny’d not ogign rditybha me sa rtaeg ,noe rwee a a asw tdhdcie tgohuhr. Insrdfe uno’dlwt hte dnwo tihw dan all ibncrlugm ddi cmoe nay tellit ttha hetm i way wlduo ti eeprtemsb re,ay the be i yb hurtoghout fo wkno. Itmhg kcsoh or uoy, ,tspue tbu su of gheuno that het ouy hobt o’ntd ofr cdire ’eiv kema y,wrro. Hyet atr’en ot hatt o,knw smee i peoelp atwn sismemteo lla yuo waht dna. Htkni ltnsantocy uoy os ew atps fo esielar 2ts1 rfom eray atht aer ,srlfuoe thta llttie utnli ear it tnidd’ ynam rheet auondr sutj ym teh atht pploee rae asoren we so. Asol cuiasild eatdaugr and cmaebe repoddp dndi’t ,aery uot nyeelntis i i ttah. Tog ot ned it dwuol tno i dintd’ hiwt who a gy…ao nigeb uwotith nad elab btu i orf othurhg ohw up my dfnenwuo tnoi know feil i evlo veli semoone ilesdpp. Emichllt oru. My lief e,m uoy rgtih mhi no jsut omepcyletl adn rvynehgtei udolw htsi hes’ in egnadch hse cpretpveise taht elvo si drlwo,. .
Aertf idd aeyr 2032 i t21s ni fof ryea nui dan aguertdad i dne a uritaagdng my hiwt a ughhot bkca in yjul i up :12 ,em twne. Udpor so owudl ouy eb. I dopru os am. A ifstr fo ogilnneulcs eipepnrcot the up ym and asw i ot asmkr ym a n,o wef ’ist ): itssnitredoa dan no aet,d cveehnmatei off esgbtig deend ebnig.
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Ivgiln thiw but nddee adn e,dri tuo htlmcile, tis’ tebs ocdsenii imvngo teh a i rvee up enbe. Dan iedd sriittaodnes hskoc ry,ae ,hrut ghtir saw dan lats nrgdaad a gitriwn tol fo hte a ni ti mdilde ym it. Taerf ouy to cudol itvis taht hwis og tub onl,cwdok ’uotldcn meoc mih go ouy i lla adn you i of hmi uto dan a eh poceul iont tearf llet osnmth see a lrteet, weotr aayywn at oyu eho,m dah to. Has ll),wi yuo so veeuinsr nt’od bad kwon feel (i bcka ruoy eth.
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Shwi you ulcdo i reehst i sghtin that llte. Elki owh i you of ma droup. Hwo knierd i wihs of i 4 wsa taseind eht ni tlera uoy mnmtoe to yrase. Ubt osiemrp yo,u i ma nlgheai i. Lahe ma ridnwa smleyf ekl,i ew that to on orfsleu hnat bdrbeo of eignb apstr ne,eb vhae eosht iderkn i kiwngor and tno’d i swa hela ot i renin us iclhd am rvee efsylm to uro rfmo. I h1t3 shnitg onw, giogn ibt evha stih lliett d’i tuo and gtwiirn a’ntre adn rou uory scuaebe haiyrdtb we dufon as a 4 snceei otrbher mnpogi a ew elwl im’ am hdelep hrgti efrta re!e!lt,)t sa no and pnwehse yes( rcrnuetly weepnhs. Ma no ttah mgeohsitn is utb i iongkwr. Eelf so osiedrbnua shit i konrwgi am thta we on nmoerya ruth ’ndto. Ton asxeitpcteno ot su, sour of is ton lohd rou are ti to epslope oehrt whti beiypsotnirils aedl tyhe. And i olt uor’ey thta dnioglh a of nwko. Nlltieg oyu si’t ’im ngihts ot yoka nowd upt seoht. Lpeoep ts’i uoy ot elvo ayko iposnapdit. Rihte suyro bceaseu efli, ts’i ton ti’s. ’luntdsho efli neo viglni ouy to nto shudol be eteyrh’ ruyo dna uyo ahs eht cesaueb acctyipa wtah tlel on esel diong. Sieswetns e’uroy to tath aer thwa lal ouyr yiaetrl hety are gonid seorciascse to. Mersatt me gnhtnoi. Ldouw ,neppadhe isrneveu ’vsehodul iwll it if ti the ck,ab your vahe heva. I gutrohh emda respoim i uflly ouy hiwttuo scndsieoi it tea’vnh ofrm a(prta tchilelm htta trfsi htiginnk adn yna. . Owh sucae tfihg ?ov)le nca. Isth fardhepiexty oansdym rdnefis i tno lteter bnieg us hte lal kwno oully’ fo otu fo no eb iwth. Efroc lfie sgtnhi tnc’a ubt ouy hist in. Eewr kwon ti hety n’otd su, oterh ubt otn echa oogd rof ofr not tyeh hreeyt’ odog. Thna rseipdnhif orme ucmh ohwtr ecevrdei dna oyu are era egvin so nad mchu of nda so trtbee eolv ahtw ewre uyo the etyp you. I yas hcsoe meco hety wneh dne itshng the oehrt yoru too to weolofdl on ciw(hh hisw sdnmay,o egbni to oru nda an acktat aws shieirnpdf na it e)m si utb wlleaod hte hety ot it su ceuesab ,uto ned aer uhtotwi i ot tuc dmbael aarwkwd dolcu ilosntyerap hawt nthe. Cubaees eadrtet ouy vehyet’ adn the rol,wd aer htwro otn poepel fo nitnsssea enwh uobta eo’uyr are ielk oyu all si neno nktihngi but whti oyv’ue lots rhwot het. Su toywrh fo ,lsmfey ot my and ngebi nnidte the ni i despn uy,o ayds eftuur.
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’mi srro,y.
Goeifrv spalee em,.
,oyu nktha.
I love uoy.
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Ol,ve.
32 me eray odl x.

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