A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni ho(w hngaedc to arey 23 dnwo tilkgna lyeceomptl s21t epsiud flie nad rtte,)le im’ ear my ni my you own, ahtt. Sowrt eary my lfei bste and aws ti the fo. Ew sa rewe y’‘nomdsa my my ahtpc gigon eargt ohurg t12s hruhgto a yhitdrba ,eon hitdedc ton a asw me. I all it nwko yb thiw yan teh temh are,y teiltl moce be fo pmteeresb uguhohotrt het i ayw adn dol’wntu lwudo atht ucbgimnlr did efsndir nowd. Of d’ont emka owr,yr ahtt teh ouy hcsok utb uep,ts ouy, ofr goehnu ro othb su ghtim ’iev icerd. To on,kw yuo natw etyh i seem temmioess wath lal dna ttah a’tren eoelpp. Era dn’dti rfom yman ear ahtt yare so rseaiel lerfsou, lntiu rdaonu uyo rsneoa my ttha oplpee thikn it ew apts of ahtt ew are tcsyolnatn so tellti jtsu eht theer 1st2. Iilucsda dna nsltyeine epodrdp laos i’nddt out cbeeam erutgada i i ,ayer tath. I outitwh file otg wiht how to ewufondn levo a nto ingeb pledpis ned pu nda …yaog tub ym tid’nd i ti i eneosmo iont odlwu ofr knwo elvi gthhour lbae who. Mlteilhc rou. Negachd dan ,dlrwo in thgir jtsu lowud my tricpeespev si mhi ilfe ihst meycleltop on es’h esh uoy ihvreynget htat ovel e,m. .
In yjul a hwit ffo did hutgoh dan my 2230 e,m dgedruata ferat nui s1t2 i raye i ni up ckba :12 etnw ginatrdgau yrea a i end. Uoy so dpuro luwod eb. Upord am os i. Nbige ethnevmcaei itcpeorepn ): rkmas bggetsi i dna a eednd saiieonttsdr on a aws nad to eda,t t’is wef hte isfrt fo ym my clnonugsiel pu off on,.
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Veer tsbe eben hte i clilh,tme pu vgonmi si’t nad edned but d,eri uto hwti cneiodis vgilni a. R,uht hirtg a ym saw ti in twnirig fo agadndr iedd lto it and hte edlidm a tasl nsdoarsetiti aeyr, kchso and. Sihw ltle oldcu dha to rletet, iotn i you ,meho yuo see dtuonc’l and itisv dan i oyu ihm oecm snmoth atth all at og wanyya rftae mhi atfer a ot btu eh cuoepl ,kdonwocl uto a fo woetr oyu go. Has snviruee ond’t cbak wkno uoyr so eth oyu eelf i( lwi,)l dba.
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Ngtshi sereth uocld i yuo i ttah hiws llet. Ielk of owh am proud ouy i. Hte of uyo ryase wish ni hwo atndsei earlt i wsa eotnmm 4 ot i deirkn. ,ouy neglahi i tub i ma ispeomr. Vhae ot aleh i of steoh gnbei no meyfsl reve fmyels ma rou ,ikle nath to nrkied to dilhc i aleh we htta was sratp and oedrbb norgkwi i am rfmo rfleuso ebne, einnr wnadri su td’no. Ltteli hpesenw sa rehbort bti own, 4 npeewsh n’atre nsicee as t1h3 taefr i am uory nyertrulc nda triydahb id’ i’m otu ew ehelpd omping oru tihgr adn ewll htgnis a ngogi dan ret!)!l,et (esy we dunfo aceeusb hvea on tigrwni a tihs. Ahtt is gokrwni i ma ubt ostngiehm on. Leef i nsrabioeud wgkniro os am rhut htis on ew moreyan ’odtn htta. Is ti tno toreh our yhet urso soepple edal of us, rae octieexnatsp ot hodl ot otn thwi yissltionbrpei. Fo konw lto yu’ero nda a hlondig i htta. Ihtgns m’i to lelgtni put s’ti oyak ouy theso odwn. Vleo you ispnpdoati kayo to tsi’ oepelp. ’tsi terhi uosry otn sueaecb ’tis lefi,. On eht be to uory tlel odshlu lefi sah ivnlig uyo ignod r’eyteh ueeacbs uyo ’hontudsl otn and esle oen yacaitcp twah. Lal ear eo’yru gdoin iswstense yteh aytlrie oyru ear ot to wtha cciesoseasr thta. Tghnoni em tartems. Levsouh’d it vaeh wlduo b,cak rinuevse fi e,ndapeph haev ouyr hte lilw ti. Evhn’at ctlmlihe soipmre and any i frist mfor kthnniig luylf that oithutw aedm gtuohrh iscsinedo t(praa yuo it i. . Nac acuse lv?eo) tgfhi hwo. Xtdyhefrepia ton on ebnig hsti uto okwn fo lttere i su the hitw lla fo yosdamn olly’u be rsdfeni. An’tc hsit ecrfo utb ouy file ni ishngt. Su, hety ewre utb rof oodg ont nowk etyh ti rehto eyrht’e ehac rfo good dt’no ont. Aer awth fo etebrt so ermo adn ear uyo frsdiphnei os pyte ewre oyu eth dan vedecrie towhr htna cmhu nad ignve eolv you chum. Hgsint us o,ut yhte dan ear oru uct hwta ishw ot eldabm si wolfldeo shoec het na i wenh beceaus the to to )me hten oot ti geibn ubt ehrto i ulodc meco ot ti finsrpehid dawkraw yomdns,a yuor aws say hw(ich an ethy awoledl ned no oihwtut ned caktta yrnleoitpas. Oy’euv btu suecaeb yro’ue ostl of when hte eht nneo uaotb keli lal orhwt nda yuo is ouy nikhngit ear poeelp astnsnsei ont owrht arttede aer tihw rdow,l hevy’et. Owyhtr ot i nnedit uy,o dna gibne eht ydas tufuer lms,yfe sdpne ym ni us fo.
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,rrsoy im’.
Rogefiv eesalp ,me.
O,uy thnka.
Eolv yuo i.
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Ol,ev.
23 reay x dlo em.

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Letter Author:

about 1 month ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

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