A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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To isuepd my ’im in rae ym ielf erya ee,r)ttl w,on emyleptloc 23 ni ndhegca nda tgnakil htta oh(w ouy t2s1 nwod. Elif asw het ti of my arye wstor stbe dna. Rtohugh my my ew ouhgr egrat a a wsa ,noe me oan’‘ysmd hictded sa capht t2s1 ribythda tno eewr inggo. Ndwo all wloud be kwon ti fo dna emsptreeb ihtw grimubcln eht i i by ry,ae omec letitl wonut’ld toughrthuo that hetm sifdern teh ddi ayn ywa. Amke owrry, su ,uyo fro d’not tobh yuo shcko eht tepus, of or gnueho creid gmith evi’ thta but. Ttha i and etyh eolpep ot yuo atwh ntare’ nawt esme lla mtmessioe oknw,. Ndi’dt s2t1 ytontlacsn era eerht eth ti rae nudroa atth era ktnhi yman soreufl, rmfo tleilt just ym htta tnuil lseaire ew yare fo sapt we ouy lppeeo nreosa htat os so. Tath aembec tuo utaerdga id’dnt asilucid odeppdr laso ray,e and i i ntieenlys. And up i eduofwnn tno dne ivel htiw bineg woh hittwuo oknw eipsdlp ntoi a ovle ubt ot tgo rguhtoh lefi goy…a it d’ditn rfo how my i blea owlud eeosomn i. Our mhcitlel. Ouy igrht seh adn gcdaneh he’s tujs my stih mhi tmcpleyeol picetevsper thta in oulwd e,m elif rneyhetvgi is r,lodw voel on. .
Aery huhtgo did ni e,m pu wthi i ayer aiggrtdnua ni ym 21: nad nui ffo aratudedg i i a kcab 2302 ts12 wetn a rteaf dne yluj. Eb oyu uordp os woldu. I ma duorp os. S’it eteicroppn fof efw nad d,eta i ): iamtehvecne up a legcsouinln ym gsbteig dna a tfirs ksrma no, ot no my was egbin fo dedne hte astidrntieso.
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I vere a eneb nddee ehi,tmlcl out nlvgii ondiiecs hte ired, hwit up btu is’t tesb nmoivg nda. Gnwtiri saw hscko a ti nideisoasttr and and ihgtr imdlde tlo tsla drdngaa ti my rea,y fo t,uhr teh a eddi in. All he rel,tte dan oemc a ot cutl’odn go nhsomt rftae ttah oupcel hmi dna ta ,hmoe to hmi of ese tnoi out a ouy ltel rotew i ubt lndook,cw adh go oyu uoy i viist ouy aaynwy featr hswi doluc. Odtn’ cbka bad het uory uyo os efle onwk l,liw) ash (i einversu.
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Ishw ahtt uoy tsnghi oducl i i llet tehesr. Am how i fo yuo oupdr klie. Of drniek ot who insaedt i hte you yesra aws 4 ommetn rleta hwsi i ni. Btu nhlaeig i ma rmsepoi i yu,o. Ot tn’od rinen form on ngkriow alhe lrsefuo dairwn ordbeb to am vere dclih hnat rou ebe,n ot su ttha ehal ebgni fo i yfesml ik,el i aws nridek rtpas heva nad mefyls i ma we osthe. A pnhesew 4 and ’mi scauebe tne’ra wno, vhea ydhtraib ohbretr we ggnoi nhstig hsit ltr)e!t!,e htirg oyru llew lttlei ginopm dofun no oru th13 iwirngt ibt di’ i ceisen dna rctunyerl sa ma lepehd a tou (yes rtafe we sa wpehnes adn. No ma i si tub ogtiemsnh knrigwo tath. Ttah yomrean so stih on efle ew ma utrh ’odnt udaenorsbi i kgiowrn. Eelsppo era not soru s,u is ethy to stielsporibyin ont of lhdo it ot elad eroth with ruo enpotxtiaesc. Ohngdil of i a and thta ’rouey okwn tol. Uoy glteinl eshto to tpu tsi’ wndo ’im sgnhit yaok. S’ti odiisptnpa peleop yuo kyoa oevl to. ’tis ton etihr efli, tsi’ aebuces oyrus. Be eno dsluntho’ cytaciap eth esle uyor ot tahw hsa no ton oignd heryt’e ouy eifl lingvi tell oyu esbceau hudosl nda. Niodg ouyr htey to era rueoy’ tahw lertiya ear to stesnseiw that lal osscisaerce. Em ttamesr hgontni. Kac,b evha wuldo vahe if pep,enhad ti lilw ti ruoy irenuesv vdshe’lou het. Hothrug mticlleh ofrm i eidscsoin dan oyu ulfyl dame meoispr tuwihot t(raap i gninithk yna that trifs atnh’ev ti. . Thfgi anc hwo eacus )le?ov. Lulo’y nowk all fo eb tetrle us no fo igben otu i ydasonm ont ihts eth rtdehyixeafp ndsreif hwit. Ta’cn btu hits fiel ni nhigts croef yuo. Aech tyhe ’ethyer ton but ewre oodg orf etorh d’not ofr nwok us, ehty ont ti doog. Rome nad are ovel ear eypt crieeved oyu so mcuh hmcu ouy were tebter npihidrfse of ivgen ntah hte os ouy hrwot adn dan ahtw. E)m adn wfedooll wldealo shwi aws an cwih(h ouldc ohrte ot neth to sairyolnpet ot rawdkaw sthgin coehs ti htaw si i aer oury ysa but nde ambled naomdys, henw i cut on eaebusc uro het ythe aatktc na it too to teh come fsihpderin twuthio den uot, eyth eingb us. Raeettd eueacbs rlowd, uey’ro het wrtoh ilke adn otn obuat neon hnwe fo era niihtgkn poleep is tihw tbu sienstnas lal tsol whotr yueov’ oyu uyo e’vthye het aer. Rwtyoh yu,o desnp my ysda to slmf,ye dtenin ienbg i fo uefrtu teh su dan ni.
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’im s,ryor.
Govifer lpaese m,e.
Yo,u aknth.
I you leov.
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Oevl,.
Eyar x dol me 23.

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