A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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My 32 ondw aklgnit ’mi to rea arey ym ni in ifle dan sdepui yuo petlcmyoel (ohw st12 cgdahen ow,n ttah ,elrtet). Nda eth arye was ti ym tswro of efil tbes. 21ts gtear htouhgr we oghur a tno swa noggi me my dteidhc tahdiryb ewre ym oen, a as ahtcp ’ao‘dnyms. Ddi it ttah be by i ignbmclur a,rye of i olwdu tuohrtgouh hte ayw ceom nda knwo hmte dersifn ayn wtih uldwo’tn llteti het lla tespembre dwon. Bhot ryr,wo su ridce hatt evi’ rfo utb todn’ mtghi ro ,utpes fo emka ou,y oyu cshko the ngoehu. Soeesmtim okwn, ar’tne lla whta emes i ot htye tawn elepop ahtt you and. 2st1 rmof ew aleseir htta amyn htat tlltei we you eth tnhki theer tpsa oe,fslru ahtt of uonrda ti os tycotnnlsa eolpep ntiul nddt’i jtsu os ryea my snroea rae era are. I ecemba tddni’ and r,eya olsa eilyetsnn ciusilda duaretag i oreppdd tou tath. Iont iwth hwo ivel uhothgr nde i utb wtohtiu gto i ti dan rof ohw idn’td nkow leov ym a leba moonees lwoud ufoennwd lefi i eginb ot ppilsde nto up yago…. Uor hemtclil. Htta em, hse hist ehignvryte necdgha ldrw,o loudw si ni hse’ epcpisveert pceolyemlt sutj yuo dan mih eolv efil on ighrt my. .
12: a me, pu uylj aradudtge nde in yaer in efrat ym i nad 1ts2 toghuh nwte arye uni atrnigguda hwit i i cbka 0322 a off did. Rpudo so be you lodwu. So ma droup i. Fof i’ts efw ncaieetehmv niitrsdaoest bggetsi to of i a ym aetd, my dan a was eht adn no epnritpeco igben pu ): rsfti o,n ednde rkams gusleclinon.
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Dei,r ithw a eth ededn vomign eerv tesb otu ivignl bene adn i sti’ mltlhc,ie pu but soidcnei. A fo ni lsat e,ary it nad teh tnaedstiiros ddliem ddie was my a ru,ht it ithgr olt iwtgnir and hsock agndrad. Hwsi ouy eh a dwclokn,o i iont vstii i fater tlle ubt to oehm, eomc woret you dctol’nu ahtt you ihm tou ftaer fo ot og ouy notmsh go and adh a dcluo ese hmi at ocepul and ,rttele all nawyay. Cbka (i has nsueervi wokn oyu ,l)ilw uoyr not’d abd efle hte so.
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I that ulcod sthgni wsih ellt i hteesr you. You odrpu i kile of woh am. Ni uoy resya eht aws wsih tmoemn who eidnrk i to i 4 teinads lerta fo. I utb mipeosr i nieahgl ma ,uyo. We ot evah fmelys wiarnd saw cdilh i rmfo ursoelf lfmsey ot reve on i ot su am obdreb our i fo hale i,kel tnha dtn’o lhae einbg strpa ma nad nrien rekind neeb, rnogiwk htta hteso. A htisng sbaeuce wlel a i won, nwepehs ufdno ew siecne vhea retaf itrhg ’di dan dna nigog tulcneryr ydihrabt we ruo wirgnti orertbh sa 4 ehplde ,!!le)tret seewpnh gpiomn m’i arent’ ma dan tieltl (eys yruo bti out t3h1 no sa sthi. I tbu gikwonr is on tosmegihn am atht. I on myenoar ’dnto iradsbeuno thta ma gnkirwo eelf so ihst ew tuhr. Rou peoelsp tnxspoaietce rae osur si speinoslbyriit ot ti laed not torhe hwti ot su, lhod of tno htye. ’ourey a olt goidlhn tath wkon i fo nad. Lnelgti tpu wodn akoy oyu ghntsi eshto to sti’ ’im. Evlo ot uoy dpipistnao ’sit aoyk poleep. ,file ts’i nto suryo ebeasuc t’is hreti. Lhsoud you eth ot htdlsuno’ lees eon eb dna llte sah whta ton gonid life caeeubs yuro trye’eh no you ilgniv captyiac. ’ueyro rea era lal to tlrieay oury taht ssnwiseet ot htye ngdio iscecsresoa htaw. Ngtionh em estrmat. Yruo if dluow surviene ti it hvoseu’dl aevh the ,hepednap aveh wlil ab,ck. Hletilmc ouy i atht yna ghtinkin iwhottu ti i piorems ylful rtap(a hoghtur omfr t’eanvh nad amde ritsf coinissde. . Fhtgi acsue ol?v)e ohw nac. Eth i sith ndirfse ’uloly tteelr all ton out fo eb fo bgeni on ithw mydoasn know pxadheifytre us. Ni uoy tshgin corfe but fiel hits t’nac. Oogd ubt eyte’hr nto fro ’notd ont orf ehty ti knwo eewr eorht ,su tehy dgoo ehca. Rae so htan gvien uyo veol erwe rea awth hmcu uyo uyo edvecrie tpey and etrbte rome cmhu os teh of ifrsinehpd dan dna hrowt. Odlalwe end on (wchhi lelowofd too dan dne drkawaw ythe ubt to eyht sya uot, it i tatcka dlbeam dlouc uct to ehosc swhi hwen eht troynepials roeht ot rhdsfiienp uor yruo aer omce cabusee atwh itowhtu na ethn hnsitg i bneig su eth to was ydnm,osa it is e)m na. Sssennait of ighktnni thwi hte is nweh oevu’y teraedt uyr’oe are dna utb aobtu oplepe v’tyehe neno wol,dr uyo ear olst rwtoh lla ohwtr keil aueecsb oyu not teh. S,mefly dna i igben us uefrtu eth orhywt ydas uo,y my ni densp of tnnedi ot.
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Oy,rrs ’mi.
Esepal e,m voeifgr.
Thkna ,uoy.
Veol oyu i.
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Vel,o.
Raey em old x 32.

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