A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ni nwdo im’ itlankg ot pyctlelmeo in 2t1s ,rtl)tee my woh( yrae upsied ttah are hnadceg 23 and my efil w,on ouy. Owstr ym ti ryea wsa teh dna sebt feil of. A nsmy’a‘od otn a aws ym e,no em ym sa cdideht onggi rgeat rdyahtbi thpca ohgur hhgotur ts12 we erwe. By eht lla sebtermpe rndfies rea,y twhi wlduo know n’otuwdl cmeo blicnumrg ayn eht fo ywa i onwd eb it did toohrghutu dan thme i ttelli htat. Htat kame othb uyo fro t’nod y,uo of kcohs ro ubt eht p,tuse rw,ory uneohg ecrdi su thgmi evi’. Eepplo whta antw i ’rtean sesieommt nda ehyt uoy all htat k,won smee to. We lutni many tsconytaln ,foserul ew 1t2s inkth eroans oaundr so tehre uoy ahtt era so it ppeloe fo rae ddt’ni from psta ttah jtus raisele atht my erya hte tieltl era. Otu i ppdedor ysneielnt uadclisi cbmaee ahtt reay, nt’did i laos adtegura adn. Fro gruthoh adn gto eabl iegbn oa…gy meesoon i nto ldouw eipdspl how my end i whtuoit tihw tub ndowenfu a pu i eolv ohw ’ndtdi ownk ti vile to oint life. Hltmicle uro. You and istpceevrep tshi irtgh tath s’eh in eilf agcnhed jtsu eovl ouldw m,e mhi is ehs no my gryntehiev lwd,or tylpomeecl. .
Ddi 3220 in atfer e,m up htwi ym inu twne uadradteg tnagdaruig i in ujly hhtguo t21s i a 12: end nad ryae ckba i a off yaer. Opdur be uwodl os uyo. Am i pduor os. Hte adn ,no stifr soncliugnel i amteeinhcev npirtoecep a ): fwe ’tsi tggeisb my on dan pu ad,te rasdnotsetii a fof my fo dende giben mrska to was.
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Up been ,irde het nigvil a cleit,mhl i t’is tuo endde veer btse socdiine whit gominv dna ubt. Gnriwti ti a lto ya,er in gtrih dgndara saw fo ,thru a ckosh edlidm tals ti nad eth dna tisrinestado ym ddie. Yawyna nad i hmi llte come fo tfaer uoplec ouy mheo, a oyu cloud smnhto lla coodwlk,n oyu atfer shwi htta btu out go vtisi ctlondu’ ees tnio rwteo ot og imh he at uyo te,trle i a to adn dah. I( so ackb d’otn adb eruievns uyo elfe eth sha wkno oyru l)iwl,.
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Hsiw atth i i ehrest lcodu lelt gshtni uoy. Uyo dpuor i of woh ma ielk. Of aerlt asw woh whis 4 hte i in ot i dkrnei syrae yuo teisdna omntem. Tub uy,o iseopmr ma elhanig i i. ,nbee i i am asptr ot aleh heal rvee ihdcl yfeslm nrnie oseht irokwng wiandr enibg ebrodb ,ekli heva fmor ew nod’t ymfels hnta ot am ot urolesf i nda fo rekind swa uor atht no su. Irhtg otu ghinst cetrnuryl as siht t3h1 gnmiop roetbrh thayirdb 4 as a nad aesbeuc oggni i uoyr eitltl wo,n bti reatf hspnwee arn’et rou ew on we wngrtii sepewnh ma mi’ i’d sy(e iecsen hlpeed trtee!!,l) onudf dan a ellw veha dna. Krnwogi utb is atth i ma senmtiogh no. We ’nodt uhrt iworgnk efle eromany i iuesndobra tish ma ahtt no so. Uro ton tihw are dael it peespol uros tehy s,u ton of hdol rehot ateecipotsnx ssyrilinipeobt is to ot. Konw i hlondig of that yoe’ur nda olt a. Yuo sgniht oehts upt tlnglei i’m oyka ot dwno s’ti. Sti’ noisipdpta ouy ppeoel ayok to voel. Aecbeus eirht ont ’tsi i,elf ts’i oryus. Dna eht dshluo twah indgo oryu glnvii sha eb lelt lese tolhns’ud to ont noe flei ccpiyaat on uoy oyu asueceb eytre’h. Oesiassccer tahw to are thye lla oigdn to uryo aer ryatlie ahtt newisstes uo’yer. Igontnh atsretm me. Ahev eth wuldo ak,bc hd’lsevuo oyur neppdeh,a llwi esinreuv ahve fi ti ti. I uyo ylful i ahen’vt ti gtkhniin htta imcehtll emad siecinsod nya eopimsr iwouhtt fmor rfits urotghh nda apat(r. . Nac )v?leo tgihf who ucsae. Nebgi no us the efndirs tsih ton fo out be fo tetler i lal oknw o’ulyl mdaoysn ithw fayihepdxtre. Ni eilf you but tanc’ itsh feroc tingsh. D’ont hyte rwee okwn us, ofr ti ton ceha oodg rteho btu for te’ryhe odog tno htey. Chum vegni irsdeniphf tbeetr rea yuo rae of ytep and uoy you eorm elvo cmhu ewre hrtwo icvdeeer the thwa dan os nhta so adn. Uroy ocme wsa abedlm ot oto the neibg it ear symd,noa ishw ot no wrdaawk i dcluo asy me) hwtoiut thaw thne tuc aktcta ehyt hoter is rhepnisfid elodwofl igthns an ot tbu it ,tou to buescea den rou ytsrnapeilo us teh dne hnew dolwlae an ehty i dan cehso hcw(hi. Ouy fo eitsnssna elki rae eeplpo uyo tbu vhtyee’ eht oubta is lots hrwto all hnitigkn ’roeuy eonn ’eouyv nda lrdw,o cesaueb nhew not teh ear raetetd tiwh hwort. Orwyth dyas i editnn my ni ngeib us lsy,fem het of trfeuu ,uoy dna epsnd to.
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I’m rorys,.
Evigfro leeaps ,em.
Uoy, nthak.
You elov i.
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,levo.
23 me ryea x ldo.

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