A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ideups ym htta eray in to 32 hwo( flei nad m’i nodw n,ow ouy tleret,) tkiagnl my aer eylltocpem ncgedah ni 1ts2. Fo ym nad ilef eray etsb ti rwtso teh saw. Tno we ouhgr ,oen a drbthiya treag cdhetdi ewer a ym utghrho me asw s21t as thcpa my so‘y’madn gnigo. By y,era ti of eth atth uodlw odwn cmeo nrgmlcubi nad hmte wthi elttil u’odlntw be the lla ensrdif ayw msteeerbp i ohtutogrhu i nya nowk did. Emak tath ndt’o uyo gmhti kcohs tbu uo,y vie’ su tohb rof neuohg the ep,sut dicer or of oy,rrw. ’antre ethy n,owk msee wtah ppoeel tnaw lla ouy thta adn ot i toemmseis. Ynma eitllt rae so seraile it the my tasp stju dd’tin rae fo thta 21st aery ttha rsonae ew yuo itkhn are there frmo lppeeo oclnytstan lnuit rs,fouel os we ttha ndraou. I uidslcai era,y aslo linsyntee d’tind ceaebm dopedrp dna ttah out duaaterg i. A olwdu ofr i bineg i nde woh efndnwou otni tgo ot oseemon ’tindd ihuotwt iwht ruthohg ti ym ldpiesp lveo knwo lvie btu up tno oyga… and able owh flei i. Oru elhlictm. And ietrhygnev she ylmcpteleo uyo no hatt dw,rol stecrpivepe odwul efli tihgr esh’ ni sjtu is mhi e,m leov hist my gdhcean. .
S12t my ohhtgu atarduggni 2230 aeyr in a did uni a eatfr up tnew tiwh dtagudaer raey ,em i off kbac ned i in i dan yjul 12:. Os purdo oyu dwolu be. I os rpodu ma. Ednde het ttdoariissen adn ot few on ym a ggtbsie ppeeorcitn fof begni pu a iftsr :) swa rksma ’sit my nnollceuisg i hmetveenica no, adn td,ae fo.
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Ciisoend i cilet,lhm igvonm a sbet bnee up reve iwth nad nvlgii dre,i deden tou ist’ hte utb. Urht, deid satl ocskh rgtniiw a of was grtih dgadanr olt and and my ddeilm hte aitdsierntos ti ni it a erya,. Viist i og swhi uoy ltle nito arfte at him all cdlou og ttel,er ihm nd,okwloc aawnyy uoy eh ot weotr dna nda a of i eo,hm ubt uot snmtho uoy eartf meco that a ese und’otcl yuo to dah celoup. Kbca )ill,w eht ’tdno nuseriev yoru dba (i ash uoy efel so onwk.
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Uoy i eltl ihsw ertseh taht i nitshg uodcl. Fo oprud owh ilek you am i. Reasy shiw ot eotnmm tlrea i rnidek het uyo woh asw of adtnies 4 in i. But ma ouy, eaihnlg orimesp i i. Igneb taprs taht ot ,neeb ysflem dirawn ndirek knigrow no aehl laeh boedrb ot was usrfloe to irnne ew ruo fo am i i am ehva sthoe nad form lidch i esyfml el,ik ntah ever su ’otdn. (esy ’mi urlrtcyen sueaebc dna tihrbday stih iwgtrni hitgr a gonig behotrr ahev tuo rouy ’erant taefr di’ dan ondfu mginpo eehldp 4 oru as on isecen th13 igtnhs sa a !e)elrt,t! dan ltliet ew ma epsnweh wlle we npehews i w,no tbi. I on rigknow tub tath am is hgsoemtni. I onermay htsi no atth dn’to ma ew lfee truh os osbdareuin iognkrw. Usor lhdo is pelpseo nistxecteapo it pisbltynrieios to fo ton wtih yteh otn su, ehrto ldae are oru to. Ignlhdo a nkwo r’ueoy hatt and fo olt i. Tpu ihngst ykao sti’ ouy tehos ot m’i ownd llginet. Yoak ts’i to ouy psindaiopt oelv epeplo. Eucseab tno ’sti e,lif uyors t’si eriht. On twha iacycapt ebeuasc you feli eht and igviln gniod slee ltle uyo uolhtn’sd h’yreet hsodul be ot ont one hsa uroy. All saceosecrsi taht to tarliey thye atwh digno oyru sewesnist era to rea oyeru’. Em inonthg mtresat. Vahe ti veha np,ehepda neueirvs ti illw your d’sluehov udwol kc,ba if hte. Rmof tirfs odsiiscne nya ti towuhti i ahnet’v ugorthh rmospei itginhkn cmlitlhe uyo htta meda lufyl i dan pt(raa. . Woh hfigt cna vl)o?e ceusa. On nebig fo ihwt ydnoams su all fo fextrpydiahe llu’oy i ownk eb uto rfesind hits tertle ont teh. Uyo crfeo ni utb atn’c efli gtsnhi shti. Oerht ofr they doog dont’ yre’het dgoo reew ehty it ,us haec ont ont kwon ofr btu. You epty nda oyu rbetet os evign teh of so hcmu thorw much hwta and uoy anth oemr rewe olev diereevc ear rhfiisepnd era and. Awht teyh uor hgsnit hte smno,day oemc asw )em nde oowldfel ot wakdarw icw(hh snrpoiletya si otwiuht an tuc hte oruy su doaewll ot wsih dan i utb sya hesco na dculo enht ti nedfhrsiip edn csubeea ot enhw to hrote takact u,ot i are mdlbae ti oot ehyt bgnie on. Knigthni d,lrow isstansne tno ouye’r bouta atdteer are and lla e’veyth rae ubcaese plepeo itwh het you hrwto eht is fo leik tbu slot yuo yuve’o ehnw onen rohwt. Us ot wrohyt sdya nigeb etufru ,uyo in het my dientn nad of i dpens mefyl,s.
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Yosr,r m’i.
Aseple evgorfi ,em.
Ou,y kahtn.
Ouy eovl i.
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,evol.
Lod x reay em 23.

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