A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ltikgan trel,t)e yrea elif t12s nda o,wn supdie (how ni i’m wodn hacgend ni to 32 ear atht ouy mocepyllet my ym. Worst eth dan tbes ifle ym it of yrae saw. As ew ym me my phcta ghruo a dhctedi bthrdaiy a 12ts o‘nms’dya gtuhhro wsa nigog oe,n atger tno rewe. Tldo’uwn guoorhthut wya r,aey iwth fo ti yb dwolu het and tath owkn drenisf i ddi tehm the tlelit wodn lla tpmbeeesr eb i moce nay crlniugmb. Us o,uy uyo otbh utb ofr ’ndot ow,rry thta okcsh or cedri ghoeun teh v’ei te,usp ihgtm amke of. And okw,n tan’er hawt lla awnt ot yeht ttha uoy temsoemis eems opelep i. Jtus rehet so naonlyttsc lpopee esrfo,lu atth ddnti’ illtte we rae era mnya adurno inhtk my it os nosear spat yrae era fomr eth ntuil uoy ew ts12 hatt htta raeeisl of. I y,rae ntd’id thta oprpdde i aaerugdt alos inneleyst dna iacluisd uto ecbeam. A dseppli wthi orf bngei i got ’nddit hwo onit nkow up ilef olwdu i it end evol ilve ym tbu uowthit elab dan mseooen i to rtohugh agoy… ohw otn dnnfeuwo. Ruo icetlmlh. Hgniyretve e,m no ectplloyem feli she ahtt is and pvcerteespi my yuo lrd,wo tsih veol dlwou h’se in jtus trihg dchgena ihm. .
Eyar a drautadge tiwh back up t2s1 hought ranugaditg yrae i 2203 i ,me ned i ni ffo inu uljy etnw ni a dan idd artfe ym :21. Woldu eb yuo opdru os. Am os i duopr. A swa cgsnnueliol on, eht a ’ist bgnei asmkr dened no ): fo i eemahnitvce dan bgeitgs to stifr ym up fwe ,dtae dna off rpipnctoee my toeinatdrsis.
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A and ebne eht otu pu ltl,iemhc hiwt i,rde ncieidos omgvni endde ebst i ivginl s’it vere btu. A nda dide in gtirnwi eth demldi ym asw nda eyr,a iinasstdroet a tlo fo lsta htr,u gthir sohkc it rdgaadn it. Tbu siwh faetr og at ttah ortew ihm of nda ees uyo teletr, had a to ihm adn go sthnom uot ywaayn oyu i a etll uoy onti faert mo,eh uldco yuo iisvt i ntuo’cdl he lal peuloc to meoc ,dwoklocn. Bcka ryuo the so ouy wnok i( lfee ,wlli) no’dt sevenriu sah dab.
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Taht oucld swhi ehsert eltl i i tigshn oyu. Fo leik udorp i yuo ma who. Ni wish yuo eht 4 to yesar swa mtonme fo trlae hwo i i iasnetd kndrei. Moseipr btu alniehg ma i i ,you. Dan our am obebrd dn’ot apstr vere flemys from to gokwnir thsoe aehl no to we bnegi su ot i ehav efslmy bn,ee thta of olerfus i am i k,ile rinwad than chdil alhe neirn aws rnkdie. T!rt!e,)el and unfod pdelhe becesua as m’i t3h1 otu a rnigwti thigns nda e(sy sa ew nrcrteyul veha uro adn ’id oerrhbt a girht t’enar wlel encsie tihs ma 4 nwo, minopg ltietl i yrou yhbratdi tib etarf no we oingg eehpwns hspenew. But no is atth snhmgoeit am gwroink i. No hsit o’ntd rgownik ew truh so i ireauodsnb oamrney elef taht ma. Si not itwh uor rbliineiostspy of ot elpoeps rehot u,s tno ythe to aeld sour it lhdo ctseoipxetna aer. Fo ioghldn a otl dna oeyu’r htat nwko i. ’mi istgnh put wodn it’s uoy tenligl to yoak ehots. Akoy ptponsdiia sit’ ouy pelepo to loev. ,leif becsaeu ihert it’s ouyrs tno t’si. Esauceb eht adn llte apyatcci uoy ahs eb lees thwa shudol nvgili not ndiog ls’nuohtd life on to oyu ruyo reey’ht eon. That ndoig to inestesws ot lla sisroecseca heyt iltayer y’oeru aer era ryuo ahtw. Me arstemt ihgnnot. Ti teh lliw vahe it if uvodel’sh vaeh ruoy uesviner dpenp,hea duwol c,kba. Ayn gntkhiin cliheltm tsfir ’etanvh wttihuo mfor isroepm ruohhgt ta(arp eadm i uoy i that it dan ylluf nsodsiiec. . Fhgit oe?v)l owh cna eaucs. Fo ’lolyu anymdos i lla hte wokn eb edtxafryehip ont us fo nsdrife shit lteert on nibge tuo hwit. Tub uyo hsitng ni cnat’ hits focre lefi. S,u rof d’ont teohr odgo dogo otn nkwo ethy thyee’r chae but ti not eewr for ythe. Fo vole thaw yuo ear ouy dfsenirhip era hant mhcu nad ginev and mchu wrtoh bteert rmoe nad het rwee os pyet ierdveec uoy so. Ned laedwol herto edn tnighs ehnt oot i oru tolrepsaniy asy doflowel ythe ear eabldm igneb eth eht teyh ands,myo swa ecbsaue cut to,u ot phsnriidfe e)m su enhw an royu i wshi ahwt (wcihh utitwoh odulc si to ot hsoec it an utb arkdwwa ecmo to tctaka nda it no. Rae nnghtiki tainssnse not peolep si nneo eryu’o eevt’yh otuab vyuo’e wothr fo lkei eht thiw stlo lla eht r,wldo nad rttdaee uyo twhro uoy aer nhew ubt aucbese. Tniedn nad fo oyu, fuurte eht ,smfeyl my hwryto us i enibg in desnp to sday.
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Mi’ yro,sr.
Leaesp rvgoefi ,em.
Uo,y hntka.
Oyu evlo i.
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,loev.
Lod me x ryae 23.

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