A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ouy ohw( im’ 2ts1 lpeyeomctl to eupdis 23 nlgaikt ttah deahgnc ym ni t)etr,el nda my iefl in wond rae year ,onw. Asw rstwo flei eyra eht fo ti dna tsbe my. Ewre sa s21t we eagrt ym oruhg hghruto me yhrtadbi a a wsa ecthdid my n,oe pacth ggion na‘ydmos’ otn. Fo dan guouthtorh wya temh tath oudlw meoc het rae,y yb ’duowtln ltielt betrseemp eth i any ti odnw tihw i ddi be all imlgcrbnu kown dsnerif. Us uoy, wy,rro of ’dont tups,e eth hunoge htta aekm htob hoksc vie’ driec you ro orf but thmig. Etyh ,kown lla metsomeis wnta uyo i ’aenrt htta atwh to eems olpeep nad. So het yera auordn morf rea tlitel thta ti le,osruf ew ouy ahtt nilut railese htta tsap rae eterh of we my ikthn ttnasoclyn mayn eelopp idn’dt era so s1t2 tsju nesora. Nd’tid dedpopr ttha i atueragd aebcem i adn neiyntsle siidaucl soal out aye,r. I i a dwlou to tub ginbe onkw who elif ivle up otutiwh edn ao…gy nda nto otg uwfonned whti hgtrohu vole onemseo rfo aebl ym who ndt’id it i ldsepip toin. Ruo imllehct. E,m on ,owrdl htrig imh doluw dna thta hnyviterge elif ehs si veol ni ecltpemyol hits my you ngcdeah ’seh eiptepersvc sujt. .
Me, igrtaundga ulyj year bkca ym niu a ewtn ni off aery aagetdurd retfa ni end 2:1 adn 2023 hitw i ts12 ghotuh ddi a up i i. Udolw be roudp you os. Ma oupdr so i. A ym :) i nda up eepotcinrp was to oietriandtss few het ’sti itrfs dneed sgoiceunnll a on nhacmvietee ym on, fof ibtsgge e,adt of rskma nda geibn.
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And teh wthi i igmvon enbe a tou up gliniv ededn ’its i,rde lhlmec,ti ubt erve bset isnedioc. ,htru sniadtrtioes trwigni ti fo a ni olt saw last a agrnadd ti eddi khosc and e,rya nda mdeidl teh ym itrhg. Fo ayynwa eetlrt, tbu a ese nad go ohme, visit ellt to uoy weotr uyo a uoy otu lla i to nad uyo could iotn osntmh ttha go eh fatre i cpeoul ctound’l ahd mcoe mih eartf n,dwooclk ihws ta mhi. Uoy os fele bda yruo not’d nokw het (i li),lw ash acbk evirsune.
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Llte i uldoc hswi you srhtee sitghn htat i. Who orpdu ouy liek i fo am. Eht ouy 4 ni ot hisw wsa aysre ndastei i rndkie how nmeotm altre i of. I i ma utb ,oyu heglani sriepmo. Heal patrs am ikel, ndarwi aws eysfml rdebob aleh vhea ttha to to i begni sylemf hidcl serlofu ruo fo n,bee ever td’on on ew nwkgiro am i morf enrin dna tanh hteso su i ot idenkr. ’di on w,no scaeebu we heswepn tllite higtr enhweps fuodn wgitnri am adn aidrtyhb seicen uory a sa sa ’mi ihnstg rlrtuency and well e(sy a hpelde we heotrbr frtea and i uto oru rena’t onigg h1t3 gnpmio 4 evha tihs bit rlee!t,t)!. Seithogmn no i am htat ubt nwgriko si. Nwkrigo i lefe htta so ot’dn no itsh rdinbeauso eraomyn ew ma hurt. Soprinlbyietsi hreto ot hitw nto suro it hety ot ton our iptneaxecost ppeleso edal ear dohl us, fo si. Of i atth a ’ueryo tlo oknw ildghon nad. Elnitlg s’it oyu ownd m’i ot aoky tpu thsoe ihntsg. Ayok to leov it’s lopeep adosiipntp yuo. Ehitr ,leif bucaees ton s’ti tsi’ ysrou. ’hluntosd yuo eb gnodi ilfe eht letl bsaeuec lsee osdluh eon wath sha livngi nto hee’ryt ouy oryu no actaciyp ot nad. Uroy wath ot ndgio wtinesess aer lal reuo’y aescocirsse to htey are that trayeli. Hnigont mtserta em. Ryuo ,enhadppe ti vaeh dwolu lwli c,akb if hte hvea edlsuovh’ ti veuseirn. Nahvte’ i yan icsdineso mtillech oyu sftri yufll maed ikntnghi ghhourt atth mrisepo rp(ata mfor dan ti i utthoiw. . Ueasc who )?olve cna thigf. Rettle iwth su of i nwko hte daitfehrpxye nto uot ’oulyl niegb all eb sednirf shit monsyad on of. Hits ni fcero flie t’nca thsing btu ouy. Htye tub oogd otreh dt’no otn erwe ofr onkw orf gdoo it yteh aceh theery’ not u,s. Were chmu of so are the yuo cmhu uoy hnrpiedsfi wtah dan levo vciedree tbteer uoy and rome igevn ptye era torhw dan os athn. Asy rhtoe uwohitt i teh ot it dne tnsolpyerai ctakat ihws swa i wlelaod too h(icwh ythe dbalem secho us biegn het lwfdloeo cdoul oryu ti are heyt nehw utb eesuacb na wdrwaka ot uor meoc out, dsaonm,y tuc to m)e to ispnehrdfi igsnht na is on hwat hnte dna dne. You tub lost yu’voe htve’ey wthi not is of eplepo ohtrw wlodr, yuo dtreaet enon era ecbseau nad all the eilk nhwe ikigtnhn nsistsaen the ear ry’euo owrth uaobt. Uerutf ni adn ibneg sefmy,l of su ouy, orwtyh i dneps ym syad nidten teh ot.
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Yrr,so i’m.
Vrigfoe paelse ,em.
,you akhnt.
Eovl you i.
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V,leo.
Old eary x em 23.

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