A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Dgcnhea oellmectyp er,tt)el nda ondw ni yera lagitnk n,ow in usdpie tath rae my uoy who( my 32 2st1 m’i ot life. Dan aws osrwt feil eayr my best fo the ti. Gaert uhrgoth saw a s12t ehidcdt em n’dayo‘sm my iggno we bdathiry erew a ohugr sa otn ,neo pahtc my. I fo hetm i be twhi adn ondw wdluo mceo awy teh ddi msebepetr het yb tdl’onuw yan ttille taht e,rya bnricugml nwok lal tohroghuut eifdnrs ti. Teh igthm or egonuh shokc su ohbt thta uoy, r,orwy ’todn ’ive fro ,utspe cired emka uyo tub fo. You esem wn,ko eoeplp i eemtisosm all nad ot ahwt etyh aer’nt taht wnta. Itlun my so fo nsotlcynat s2t1 oadnur lettil ew era myna thta atht ntd’id r,elfuos yera apst think treeh nosrae rae leppeo ti raelesi os uyo thta teh romf ew sujt rae. Cameeb dporped tdni’d urgaeadt raey, hatt yeinetsln olsa siudacli adn i i uot. Dna lpedpsi ayog… vlei ot got it i owh beal orhhtug emsonoe dweufnno hwo ibegn iwth ym levo udlwo ’ditdn dne i up tub eilf i otn a wttuoih ofr nwok iotn. Lhtcmiel our. Ifle isth ahtt tjus ghrti on lwoud ym e’sh nahcgde veirstpcepe nad seh wol,dr ouy ni oevl ienvyetghr em, lcptoelmey him si. .
21ts ned augaetdrd m,e newt hwti did hhugot i i ffo adn nui yare ni pu luyj augngdairt i a kcba ni 2032 eray a my artef :12. Be so proud uoy luowd. So am duorp i. Opncteierp no ffo amvneiceteh ): ulesglncnio dneed wfe nbegi my of saw up a a rksam it’s gbtegsi hte dta,e on, and ot nda i my siftr odsnrtisitae.
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Eebn up lingiv tuo i’st a vinomg nad hwit tbu tbes enedd ed,ir cm,heiltl i eerv dsiincoe hte. Eidd fo adn ,rthu slta tol a a ym rnaadgd in osckh hte medild inrtssetdiao adn trgih ti y,rea asw it wniirgt. Ot ucopel ees a dan ot tmnsho eohm, out ellt ta i ertaf uno’ldct lal i ttha adn tino mhi loduc of eh vtiis uyo featr owlocd,nk yanywa btu him og go yuo had ocem et,etrl ouy owetr a siwh you. Ill,w) acbk (i efel eursvine so ahs onwk teh adb uoy dt’on ryou.
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Rthees duocl ahtt eltl i ishw i uoy gnhsti. Who fo ourdp am i oyu kile. Fo uoy swhi idrkne 4 i ot who asw esyra leart het tnmome i ndaiste ni. Isproem i btu i uyo, aelgihn am. Roebdb kdenir tpras ma su leah swa hsteo refsoul vhea ma ikronwg i taht geibn fo ot nto’d ew to lke,i evre and on ,enbe than ruo ot inwrad ennir i hdilc i mlefsy ehla mrof myself. A i ew otu isntgh igogn nad onduf icsnee hrtbeor yrbithda !)!ette,lr a atfre ahve itb adn wgrinti tltlei hwespne 4 lwel ,wno ’rtena shepwne ruo githr imognp aeuesbc h3t1 ma we on yrou sey( iths id’ im’ sa elnrtyurc eplhde as dan. Ma i mgsoenhit rinwgok no tub is thta. So ikrgown oyrnema sthi i on hrut that rbaiudesno ew tdo’n lfee am. Uosr lodh tno tecsnaptxioe aer ot it of threo ont uro ,su yeht si to laed plpesoe whit rslyiitibesopn. O’uery nidolgh a olt and i onkw hatt of. Upt akoy itnlgel odnw to higtns its’ mi’ you eshto. Kyoa polepe to sptdpiiano s’ti oyu levo. Not syrou rehit eseabuc t’is feil, si’t. Ot oury lelt uoshtdn’l ton seel yeteh’r you hsoudl tacipacy saeubec noe nidog ilgvni eb no the oyu efil ash hwat dan. Sisestewn rea htey hatt lla aer cassiocsree thaw gonid oryu eroyu’ to rleatyi to. Em mtertsa iohtgnn. If owdul it senruive ckb,a haev illw uryo veah p,eenaphd ohu’levds it eht. I atth ouwitth i fmro it any rimpseo (patra stifr you hvte’an nad truohhg kntgnihi sniecidos aedm clemlthi lyluf. . Woh can ceaus e?vo)l hftig. Fo otn eb twhi all ’llouy no ixreahfeypdt sthi ynaosdm us ltrete otu iendsrf wkon hte gnbie i of. Lfie ihts oyu ercfo tan’c in btu tsingh. Good erew nto tno ti other fro htey otdn’ su, rof aech ogdo yeht tub yr’htee kown. Cmuh fo tepy rtwho weer egniv yuo nad eth tanh rome dna os devcieer trteeb you wtha ndfpeirhis rae much os rea love oyu nda. Wneh srhdiifenp soech it hrtoe uory an i to is ihsw say ebngi ou,t to and ot awth dcluo aws tkacta i mcoe utc an mnsy,doa laedlow eht yeth adeblm the ethn den oot den bcuseea tub su our on )me awdrwka hic(hw ot yntplseraio tehy it htgnsi fwedolol rae iowtuht. Uy’eov rea is hwne eplpeo eikl and lord,w aedrtte tub stol r’eouy nto eescuab teh hrwto tuaob ihtw rae uyo of vytehe’ het onen orhwt uoy all hknniitg estinsasn. Tuuerf nda ,you ni aysd my yohtwr to i efsylm, binge us of eth ienntd dpens.
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I’m ,rorys.
Gorfiev paeles e,m.
Aknht ouy,.
Vleo oyu i.
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,levo.
32 yera x me lod.

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