A letter from March 30th, 2020

Dear Future Me, My goodness, am I DETATCHED right now! This whole phenomenon, history lesson, or whatever anyone else wants to call it have gotten me puzzled and lost overall. I do feel the need to worry, after all, I do have some ill members in my family, but I can’t seem to work past my selfishness. I want to return to a normal life; in fact, I didn’t even realize how much I depended on a routine to get through until now. However, I feel completely numb to this whole international issue. It’s almost like what our past has worked into my generation of teens is to be completely desensitized to chaos, because it isn’t just me who feels indifferent. I hate to say it, but most of the words I’m using currently to describe this issue are, overall, an understatement. People love to debate it politically, socially, and just in general love to debate the situation, but I can’t find myself truly in danger past all the emotions I’m feeling. Maybe it’s just because I’m a teenager, but I thrive off of social interaction, and that’s been the most damaging thing in this fiasco because the simple interactions have been taken away from me. I call several of my friends, but it’s just not the same. Truly (might as well just vent because it’s an email to my future self), I feel like I come off horridly clingy. I get these feelings that no one wants to talk to me anymore, and that several of my friends are simply tolerating my presence. Because I’m thinking of that, it’s making me think that no one wanted to be around me in the first place, but I KNOW I’m smarter than my internal thoughts. I know too well that isn’t the case, but I can’t stop thinking about it; the brain is a very strong tool, and a very vast, complicated world to wander through. Despite my emotional endeavors, thinking about school ending has me thinking about where I’m going to be in the future. Having the burden of my seniority coming up, it has me thinking about how unprepared I actually am. In summary, I want to be an actor. I’ve been thinking about specifics in the acting field, and the two things that stick out to me are stage acting/singing and voice acting. There’s a wide range of possibilities between both of those fields that interest me greatly, but once again that’s not my biggest worry. As a theater major, I know that, in college, I’m going to have to learn several fields of theater, even technical and stage managing. The main issue with me is the fact that I’m still completely clueless as to where I’m going to go. My friends and I are talking about going to college(s) in California, but things are super expensive due to being out of state. That, and there are so many schools to choose from. Lately, I feel like I’ve been dependent on the idea of auditions during my junior and senior years of high school for colleges. Theater offers that opportunity (which is a MIRACLE), but it also has me thinking about the possibilities of not getting hefty scholarships that will take me places, and I’m just lost as to where to go from there. I like to make a big show that I know where I’m going in the future in front of my friends, but the real truth lies in the fear that I hide; I’m absolutely petrified and as lost as I’ve ever been. However, I should make it somewhere considering my passion is a pretty strong tool for me as a person. I daydream about all of the opportunities I can possibly achieve to claim successfully in the future. I think about being in a studio behind a microphone, belting my little voice away and hopelessly devoting myself to a character that I absolutely adore. I also think about it being my que on a stage for a solo I was assigned to, and completely blowing a live audience away. What makes me even more motivated to get to these spots is the idea of having a family of the arts with me; I imagine friends entertained by my voice in the voice acting studios, thrilled to talk and communicate with me and our characters and being completely lost in the scene, and sometimes falling into some blooper moments whenever messing up a scene. I also can see me with a cast and crew, loving who each of them are outside of their characters and being completely enthralled by the experience. It’s my imagination and the possibilities that I think about that truly motivate me overall, so that’s how I know I’m going to get somewhere. I have that hope, at least; I don’t mean to sound selfish. I am begging for my older self to get a therapist if she has the opportunity. You can’t balance the entire world on your shoulders Ainsley. You need some help, even if you feel like people (like family) will be disappointed at your emotional instability. Your emotions matter just as much as anyone else’s feelings. Sometimes you need to work for yourself instead of for the satisfaction of others. You can’t always meet to people’s standards, and several people will come and go. The one person you have with yourself forever and always is YOU. Use that to your advantage. Get to know yourself and your true potential. Wherever you are, 5 years from now, it’s going to be special. What matters most is that I am going to be proud of you every step of the way. Always remember that. Greatest wishes and hopes, Ainsley McGee